Saturday 7th November
I got up this morning and both kids were doing their normal thing. Arguing and nit picking at each other in the way they always do. I got ready for and went to work as normal knowing that i would be home at about 12pm.
Work went well, nothing out of the ordinary, good day.
When i got home, i called Wife to find out if i had enough time to get some stashed christmas presents out of the car before she got home from shopping. She didn't pick the phone up so i gathered that i had the time i needed and hid the presents in our bedroom.
Wife called me about 15 minutes later and i knew straight away that she was having a very difficult day.
When she finally got home i knew that things had been really bad. Big was in the front of the car and Little was in the back. We've never done that. She carried L into the house too as their shoes weren't on.
Once we set both kids up with lunch Wife told me what had happened. They were in a supermarket when L snapped. No obvious trigger, no warning, just a complete rage filled meltdown. It was so bad that Wife had to sit on the floor with L, restraining them for 20 minutes. During this time Big was getting more and more upset because L was hurting Wife.
Fortunately the other shoppers weren't judgemental, they were actually quite supportive of Wife. One even gave her a shoulder squeeze.
After they left the supermarket, L went again. This time wife had to do the same at the side of the car. It didn't last as long this time.
Once they were in the car, L went again. Full on rage and trying to hurt B. Wife ended up removing L shoes and putting B in the front. She drove home with a lot of anger and aggression coming from directly behind her.
This is what i was confronted with as soon as Wife got home. I hate this bit, i don't fully know what's gone off and talking it through in front of the kids is hard especially when you have a child that is constantly on the edge of pure rage and another who is so hyper vigilant because of the other ones rage that there's no easy way to do anything.
I was calmer than Wife because i hadn't had to deal with anything really today. To top it all off, L had been in the defiant toddler stage all day in-between the rage and would/could not listen to a thing that either of us were saying. Wife was exhausted and it was only 1pm. She was shouting at the kids because of the stress and needed to get away. She ended up going to bed for an hour or so, i went up to see her and she sobbed.
Before long i had to come back downstairs because i could hear an argument between our children escalating, i've no idea what it was even about i just know that it was getting worse. Fortunately, L had decided that whilst they wouldn't respond to a thing Wife was saying, they would for me so it was easier.
Wife came downstairs and I managed to get a moment with L. I used some PACE and spoke to them about how they were feeling and if there was anything that was bothering them. I got a good 10 minutes of rage mixed with a distraught child and back again in 20 second cycles. All of which was down to birth family and having to leave etc.
I went with my instincts and did what i could to sooth and support them. I then decided to get the new Todd Parr book out (The goodbye book) and we went through it. I think i did the entire thing 4 times in the end and had both L and B really snuggled into me whilst reading it. They seemed to relate to it and L has asked to read it over and over again since.
After that we continued with our day. L was right on the edge the entire time and B was starting to really push us both. We went for a run around a country park together. L ended up being taken back to the car after spitting (something we don't accept at all, ever) and again calmed down but still had stuff bubbling under the surface whilst we sat in the car.
Wife came back to the car with B and we went home to have some snacks and prepare for the fireworks display that we were going to later on.
Both kids were all over the place, L was especially hyper active and couldn't regulate. B was getting more and more cheeky.
We managed the fireworks and managed to get both kids home and to bed relatively simply considering.
Sunday 8th November
As soon as we got up, we knew we were in for a rough day. Kids were bickering and being generally nasty from the word go. We went to do breakfast, got through that then it all kicked off.
We don't even know what started it, again there was no obvious trigger, nothing that we could think of that started it but before we knew it L was swapping between sobbing hysterically and utter rage. L spent a good 30 minutes screaming at the top of their lungs so much so that they all but lost their voice and 3 days later they're still croaky.
Once L calmed down (ish!) B started. From nothing to all out rage in absolutely no time. Wife and i were holding up ok until a good 20+ minutes in of B screaming at us, at one point they got up, came less than 2 inches from my face and screaming at the top of their lungs.
We do carpet time to calm down here, staying relatively close to us so it's a form of time in. B kept going and going so i got down on the carpet to talk to them and they punched me in the eye. Full force, straight in my eye. I'm not sure how i did it but i kept my cool enough to stand up and tell them that they'd just really hurt me. I then put up with another 5 minutes or so of being called a liar.
I'm not going to lie, i didn't keep my voice down at this point. I did shout back a few times but i calmed down again quickly. Once i was calm, the stupid thing happened. I didn't do anything out of anger or anything like that but i pushed B. I didn't do it hard and i didn't do anything to hurt them or anything like that. I pushed them 3-4 inches as they were sat cross legged on the floor and it was enough for them to lose their balance.
Holy crap did that escalate things!!! We had so much more anger and aggression then (understandably) that along with my immediate guilt and we were in a really toxic cycle.
I decided that i needed to talk to our social worker about it so sent her a text and she said she'd call.
Wife and I had a little down time whilst the kids seemed a little more settled. We all got ready and went out to sort out a reward for L for something else we had been doing with them. We went into our town centre and sorted some food and L's treat out.
After that i had to visit an elderly relative so Wife took the kids to the supermarket. Once i finished with my relative, i called Wife to see where she was. Yet again things had deteriorated and i could sense from her tone that things were really tough yet again.
When she finally got to me it turned out that B had decided to torment L almost to the point of yet more violence. They kept getting in L's face and telling L that they're no good at X, Y, Z and generally being horrible. It escalated to shouting and screaming at Wife and being completely defiant and nasty towards L.
Once back in the car they had calmed because Wife refused to get anyone in the car until they had calmed down.
We had a quick pit stop to make at another relatives and whilst i popped in, B started trying to hurt L yet again. Wife had to get them out of the car where they started threatening to hurt her and me.
Once we got home we called our social worker and talked her through the incident. She was confident that i hadn't hurt B or deliberately meant to but had to inform the placing LA which we were expecting. She also said that she would call and speak to school to explain it so that if anything was said, they knew what was going on.
After that we kind of had a decent evening, we had a carpet picnic and watched a film. L was hyperactive as normal but nothing too bad. B was wonderful, very much the child we know and love. They were showing no obvious signs that the incident had upset or worried them significantly.
Bed time was uneventful and pretty straight forward, both kids were exhausted as were we so we were pleased that it went well.
Monday 9th November
Both kids were still not great this morning. Lots of bickering and aggression between the two of them.
We explained our weekend to the kids teachers and warned them to be on edge. Every single time we talk to them, they are amazing.
We got back from the school run and our SW called me. She had talked everything through with the head teacher at school and the head teacher had said that she has absolutely no concerns with our parenting, if anything she is quite on the opposite side of the coin and can't praise us enough. She also said that she would talk to B about it during the day and report back to us. Our SW then thanked her and everyone at the school for supporting us so well in the last few months under very difficult circumstances.
Our SW had also tried to call the placing LA and low and behold, no one was in or available. No one. Not a single person was available to talk.
Now this would be a good time to explain that a few weeks ago B disclosed that they were significantly sexually abused completely out of the blue. We reported it and were told that the police had been contacted and someone from the placing LA would be in touch to interview B very soon. This still hasn't happened. Nothing was previously known about any form of sexual abuse before this, it was hinted at during various behaviours that have come out since coming home but nothing solid. Their SW has actively denied all knowledge of anything ever happening despite the warning signs that we were seeing.
Eventually we got a call from one of the senior practitioners at our agency. She explained that she would be visiting us that afternoon to discuss what happened on Sunday and to speak to B. A couple of hours later we got a call from the placing LA saying that someone is on their way to attend with the SP from our agency.
I also spoke to the head teacher at school and she was amazing, completely understanding and supportive and reiterated her support for us and everything we've been doing with the kids. She explained that she'd spoken to B about hurting us and spoke about different parts of the brain with them (in a very much child orientated and impressive way - your brain has a sensible owl and a silly monkey and sometimes the silly monkey doesn't listen to the owl or just takes over on its own) and then mentioned what happened with me, B didn't mention it until the head teacher mentioned the specifics and then they told her exactly what happened.
At this point i was furious, i openly admit to doing wrong and overstepping the mark but the fact that they were rushing out for this and not the disclosure is absolutely disgraceful. The person in question is known to have a significant level of contact with other children so could be part of a much wider scale of abuse.
When the SW from the LA arrived, our SP had been here for at least 45 minutes. We questioned the lack of response to the sexual abuse disclosure and all she could respond with was that the police were handling it. I got agitated and explained that actually they had promised that someone would be out weeks ago and our SP backed me up and took it further. She didn't like it then told us that she would be talking to them about it that night but was quite blunt about it.
B & L were eating dinner when she got here and because she was there, B inhaled all of their food.
Our SP had to leave before we even got to the point where the SW interviewed B. She asked about the incident and B said that they punched me and nothing happened after that. She pushed them for a little more and B explained it all and demonstrated exactly what i did.
After that she started on the sexual abuse. She asked one question. She asked B if they remember telling us something about someone a few weeks ago. B said no, she asked if they were sure, they said yes and that was it.
Unfortunately i had to go out to work before she could leave so Wife was left to hold down the fort. The SW said that she has no concerns that it was a violent incident or that there's any concerns for the placement. She said that she still has to talk to her manager but doesn't see that anything else would come from it.
Honestly, I'm pleased that it looks like it won't be taken any further but completely and utterly disgusted with them over the sexual abuse stuff. They're beyond incompetent. It's terrifying that they make key decisions in abuse and neglect cases.
Big got up during the night and sobbed that we weren't in bed, it was 8pm.
Tuesday 10th November
Big got up again in the early hours, got within an inch of my face and said in a really loud voice, "SEE YOU IN THE MORNING MUMMY." I screamed.
Other than that we had a decent morning. The school run was ok and i managed to sneak a word with teachers in the playground to explain about last nights meeting. Again, they were amazing. One offers to do anything at all possible to help us in anyway they can, the other says that she wanted to give me a big hug and stroke me. A tad random but it was all very positive.
Wife had a work day today so i called the SP from our agency and spoke to her about it. She's pleased that it doesn't look like it's going to go any further but she is disgusted with the handling of the sexual abuse disclosure. So much so she's in talks with the agency manager to come down on the LA hard.
There's also concerns that the kids are reacting to the introduction of life story work and that the fact that the LA has done 2 sessions with them and have nothing extra planned is ridiculous. They're going to push for our side to take it over now, we all feel strongly that it's time to move away from the LA, they're doing nothing for us that is benefitting our family and are working against at every possible opportunity.
We've been advised to get a complaint in once the order is sorted.
The stress from the last few days has taken it's toll. We're exhausted. All 4 of us. There's a black cloud hanging over us and it's in the shape of the placing LA. We're hopefully applying for the order in the next few months so hopefully it shouldn't be too far off. I just hate that my kids are being put through this crap again and again. It's not fair and it is not right.
I've rambled a bit but i think i've only covered the main things. Adoptive parenting is damn hard, nothing compares to it, nothing at all.
Tuesday 10 November 2015
Tuesday 15 September 2015
6 months in...
How the hell has that happened!? Goodness knows.
It's been tough but i figured that i'd do a top tips and things we've come to realise sort of blog.
Ask the foster carer(s) every single question you can think of. Foster carers know more than most of the other professionals involved but don't necessarily know what you want or need to know. Our LOs FCs were great but were surprised at how many questions we asked. They've been foster carers for over 20 years but have never been asked so many questions.
You will be blamed for everything the kids have been through. They don't realise and in some cases won't intend to but each time they realise that something was off or start coming to terms with something that happened with BPs, you will be blamed in every way a person can be.
CPRs have only half of what you need to know in them. Ours are horrendous. Things that happened that are extreme are no where to be seen. So much information missing and potentially (although we have no way of proving it) some lies from Voldemort.
You will have to fight for support. Do not rely on the kids social worker to inform other people involved, Voldemort didn't and as a result we really had to fight and if it wasn't for the support of our agency i really don't think we would have had any support yet.
Adopting is work. All day everyday you will work your arse off and the chances are it won't feel like you're making any progress for a long long time. We're just starting to see some steps forward now and that is quick.
Please, please, please choose your agency carefully. Our agency are always going above and beyond to ensure that we have everything we need. We've come so close to disrupting in the last couple of months and they've saved our arses over and over again, i can not stress that enough.
Talk to and keep in touch with as many adopters as you can. Friends, family, teachers etc may get it but they aren't living it day in day out and the only people who truly appreciate what it takes are other adopters.
School can make all of the difference. Our school is amazing, they respect us, our ideas and our parenting style. They never question us and are always keeping us up to date with what's happening with both of our kids. They don't pressure the kids and are constantly readjusting what they already know.
This is only really brief, i could go on for hours but i think these are the key points.
It's been tough but i figured that i'd do a top tips and things we've come to realise sort of blog.
Ask the foster carer(s) every single question you can think of. Foster carers know more than most of the other professionals involved but don't necessarily know what you want or need to know. Our LOs FCs were great but were surprised at how many questions we asked. They've been foster carers for over 20 years but have never been asked so many questions.
You will be blamed for everything the kids have been through. They don't realise and in some cases won't intend to but each time they realise that something was off or start coming to terms with something that happened with BPs, you will be blamed in every way a person can be.
CPRs have only half of what you need to know in them. Ours are horrendous. Things that happened that are extreme are no where to be seen. So much information missing and potentially (although we have no way of proving it) some lies from Voldemort.
You will have to fight for support. Do not rely on the kids social worker to inform other people involved, Voldemort didn't and as a result we really had to fight and if it wasn't for the support of our agency i really don't think we would have had any support yet.
Adopting is work. All day everyday you will work your arse off and the chances are it won't feel like you're making any progress for a long long time. We're just starting to see some steps forward now and that is quick.
Please, please, please choose your agency carefully. Our agency are always going above and beyond to ensure that we have everything we need. We've come so close to disrupting in the last couple of months and they've saved our arses over and over again, i can not stress that enough.
Talk to and keep in touch with as many adopters as you can. Friends, family, teachers etc may get it but they aren't living it day in day out and the only people who truly appreciate what it takes are other adopters.
School can make all of the difference. Our school is amazing, they respect us, our ideas and our parenting style. They never question us and are always keeping us up to date with what's happening with both of our kids. They don't pressure the kids and are constantly readjusting what they already know.
This is only really brief, i could go on for hours but i think these are the key points.
Sunday 26 July 2015
Food For Thought
Our children came to us with no known food issues. There was never any indication that they had ever been without food, i'd even go as far to say as there seemed to be too much.
Shortly after they moved in Little started eating toothpaste and alarm bells started ringing. We soon realised that neither of them would chew their food and that if there was food around, neither of them could relax. We began to think that they had definitely not been fed consistently especially after Big started eyeing up the scraps after having eaten a huge Sunday Dinner. We went to a party with your standard buffet food and before long they were stealing stuff constantly.
We mentioned our concerns to our social worker and Voldemort but it was only our social worker that showed any sort of concern. Eventually our SW decided to tell Voldemort that she believes that the children had had lots of food for a very limited time then had to go without for days/weeks on end. Voldemort then responds with, "yeah, that's exactly how it was." Nothing is mentioned in the CPRs at all.
This was when we decided to go behind Voldermorts back and try something that our agency had told us about all through our training.
Basically, we got a small cool bag (the sort you'd have for an individual picnic) and took the kids to the supermarket and allowed them to choose things that didn't need cooking, no sweets, no chocolate and no crisps. Once we got home we filled the bags as full as we possibly could by taking everything out of the wrappers and explained to them both that this is their food. They don't share anything, swap anything, the don't need to ask to have it, they can have as much or as little as they want at any given time. From that moment on we ignored the existence of the box until it needed refilling.
The first day, Big sat and ate for almost 3 hours solid after having a normal lunch. It didn't take long before the sick bucket came out and the nausea started. 5 minutes with their head in the bucket and it was back to eating without having thrown up. This 5 minutes on, 5 minutes off cycle for the next hour or so. Then it was time for dinner. Big's face was a picture, the thought of having to eat a full meal seemed to scare them!!
We encouraged them both to eat their meals normally saying things like, "we're a bit worried because you've not eaten much today" etc. We told school all about it when they went back (the box stayed at home and was only available whilst they were home) the next day and explained why we were doing it. They were incredibly supportive.
Little started to get bored of it first but we always knew that it would work that way. After about 5 days it was only at night that they would want it out and it would only last a few minutes.
Big took about an extra week. We realised that it was only last thing at night and first thing in the morning that they would want it so we started saying that we'll see them in the morning for breakfast whilst we were wishing them goodnight. The very next night Big announced that they didn't want it tonight and gave it to Wife to take downstairs. We were in total shock.
We then took some advice from our agency about how to remove it. We didn't want to phase it out because the theory was that it was always full but we didn't want to surprise them with it not being there. We were advised to talk to them about how they don't seem to want it at the minute so we're going to put it away and if it feels too strange then we can always bring it back.
We did that on Thursday which was day 19 and so far neither of them have been too bothered. Big has been a little anxious about where it is but hasn't wanted it.
It's been a bit of a rollercoaster, the initial few days really got to us both. Absolutely no idea how they didn't throw up after eating for so long, seeing them doing it made us both feel so ill. We got so angry with it but it wasn't anger aimed at the kids, for the first time since they came home it was anger at their BPs.
At one point Big had left the lid open and because the food had got warm, some stuff had started to go furry. Big wasn't bothered, they were sat in bed with both hands full of food eating without thinking about what it was. They were pretty much forgetting to breathe and only gasping for air every minute or so. What the hell happened for them to want to do that?!
We're much better off for it, the kids have responded really well and are hopeful going to continue and if not, we'll just bring it out again.
Shortly after they moved in Little started eating toothpaste and alarm bells started ringing. We soon realised that neither of them would chew their food and that if there was food around, neither of them could relax. We began to think that they had definitely not been fed consistently especially after Big started eyeing up the scraps after having eaten a huge Sunday Dinner. We went to a party with your standard buffet food and before long they were stealing stuff constantly.
We mentioned our concerns to our social worker and Voldemort but it was only our social worker that showed any sort of concern. Eventually our SW decided to tell Voldemort that she believes that the children had had lots of food for a very limited time then had to go without for days/weeks on end. Voldemort then responds with, "yeah, that's exactly how it was." Nothing is mentioned in the CPRs at all.
This was when we decided to go behind Voldermorts back and try something that our agency had told us about all through our training.
Basically, we got a small cool bag (the sort you'd have for an individual picnic) and took the kids to the supermarket and allowed them to choose things that didn't need cooking, no sweets, no chocolate and no crisps. Once we got home we filled the bags as full as we possibly could by taking everything out of the wrappers and explained to them both that this is their food. They don't share anything, swap anything, the don't need to ask to have it, they can have as much or as little as they want at any given time. From that moment on we ignored the existence of the box until it needed refilling.
The first day, Big sat and ate for almost 3 hours solid after having a normal lunch. It didn't take long before the sick bucket came out and the nausea started. 5 minutes with their head in the bucket and it was back to eating without having thrown up. This 5 minutes on, 5 minutes off cycle for the next hour or so. Then it was time for dinner. Big's face was a picture, the thought of having to eat a full meal seemed to scare them!!
We encouraged them both to eat their meals normally saying things like, "we're a bit worried because you've not eaten much today" etc. We told school all about it when they went back (the box stayed at home and was only available whilst they were home) the next day and explained why we were doing it. They were incredibly supportive.
Little started to get bored of it first but we always knew that it would work that way. After about 5 days it was only at night that they would want it out and it would only last a few minutes.
Big took about an extra week. We realised that it was only last thing at night and first thing in the morning that they would want it so we started saying that we'll see them in the morning for breakfast whilst we were wishing them goodnight. The very next night Big announced that they didn't want it tonight and gave it to Wife to take downstairs. We were in total shock.
We then took some advice from our agency about how to remove it. We didn't want to phase it out because the theory was that it was always full but we didn't want to surprise them with it not being there. We were advised to talk to them about how they don't seem to want it at the minute so we're going to put it away and if it feels too strange then we can always bring it back.
We did that on Thursday which was day 19 and so far neither of them have been too bothered. Big has been a little anxious about where it is but hasn't wanted it.
It's been a bit of a rollercoaster, the initial few days really got to us both. Absolutely no idea how they didn't throw up after eating for so long, seeing them doing it made us both feel so ill. We got so angry with it but it wasn't anger aimed at the kids, for the first time since they came home it was anger at their BPs.
At one point Big had left the lid open and because the food had got warm, some stuff had started to go furry. Big wasn't bothered, they were sat in bed with both hands full of food eating without thinking about what it was. They were pretty much forgetting to breathe and only gasping for air every minute or so. What the hell happened for them to want to do that?!
We're much better off for it, the kids have responded really well and are hopeful going to continue and if not, we'll just bring it out again.
Saturday 4 July 2015
Fighting for Support
Last week our social worker made an official request for theraplay for us as a family. To say that the LA were shocked would be an understatement. Apparently, (despite our social worker updating all involved after every meeting and message with or from us) there is absolutely no need for it and it was an absolute no.
After receiving that email our social worker decided that the best thing to do would be to call them and have a chat about it all. From what our social worker told us, it descended into absolute chaos almost immediately. The therapeutic support woman repeatedly spoke over her, wouldn't let her explain our side and said that there was absolutely no reason to believe that Big and Little need any sort of additional support at this time. Our SW said that when she put the phone down, she actually screamed.
Fast forward to this week and the manager of our agency rings up the LA and demands a professionals meeting after having a phone call from the TS woman's manager. That meeting happened on Thursday just before the LAC review.
We were asked to attend after things had been discussed. When we got there it had been decided that the way forwards is to assess the children's attachment type with each of us and either get us to work on what we already have to develop it further or to help us gain new skills that will help us to help them and make it easier for us all overall. That then has the potential to follow on to theraplay. They are also going to do some direct work with Big and Little on life story work, personal space, road sense and stranger danger.
The TS manager has said that she will send us details of some courses that offer a very practical approach to parenting traumatised children.
It all sounds good, if nothing else we are actually being acknowledged. If it wasn't for our agency, i'm not sure how we would have got to this point, they are fighting for us every step of the way.
During the meeting it was noted that Big and Little's social worker wasn't paying attention. In fact, she was looking out of the window and writing a report about something different all together. How the hell can we be expected to work with someone like that??
When we arrived we were told about everything and then we were handed life story books to have a quick look through now and take home. I went through about 10 pages of Big's and pointed out mistakes on each page. Now i have a memory for dates and ages so when it said that BM was x years old when Big was born and i know that she wasn't i flagged it up. Voldemort (as she's more commonly known) instantly snapped "It's right, i worked it out." i held my tongue as much as i could and reasonably quickly responded with, "Well you didn't work it out very well because it's wrong." And you know what, it is!! stupid woman. After that TS said that they would send the originals through on email for us to edit and send back so that they could re print and laminate everything for us.
The LAC review went well, the thing that made us both really happy was how amazing school are. Every single thing we've been telling and have told the LA school then said without prompt or knowing that we'd said it. Our SW is amazed by how fantastic school is. They know what they're doing, they know their stuff and they are doing everything they can to get what they need to help our children thrive.
When we got home that evening we looked at the later life letters and realised that there's at least 1 significant mistake in there and there's definite information missing.
The following evening i started looking through the LSBs to edit them....in short, they are shit. 104 pages between them and 62 pages edited. Some of the main reasons for removal and half of the story are missing. These are documents that have apparently been checked over by multiple professionals that know Big and Little's history. Quite frankly it's disgusting and as a result we've decided to do it ourselves and we will be sending an email detailing our reasoning behind it and slating the LA.
Since the LAC review, Big and Little have been absolutely awful. This is the worst few days for a while now and i am completely and utterly sick of being a Mum tonight. I miss being relaxed, i miss the woman that shouted probably once every 3 or 4 months. I miss quality time with my Wife. I know it'll pass but right now i'm just completely fed up of the stress of having to deal with an entire organisation who refuse to do their jobs unless you pull out the big guns.
After receiving that email our social worker decided that the best thing to do would be to call them and have a chat about it all. From what our social worker told us, it descended into absolute chaos almost immediately. The therapeutic support woman repeatedly spoke over her, wouldn't let her explain our side and said that there was absolutely no reason to believe that Big and Little need any sort of additional support at this time. Our SW said that when she put the phone down, she actually screamed.
Fast forward to this week and the manager of our agency rings up the LA and demands a professionals meeting after having a phone call from the TS woman's manager. That meeting happened on Thursday just before the LAC review.
We were asked to attend after things had been discussed. When we got there it had been decided that the way forwards is to assess the children's attachment type with each of us and either get us to work on what we already have to develop it further or to help us gain new skills that will help us to help them and make it easier for us all overall. That then has the potential to follow on to theraplay. They are also going to do some direct work with Big and Little on life story work, personal space, road sense and stranger danger.
The TS manager has said that she will send us details of some courses that offer a very practical approach to parenting traumatised children.
It all sounds good, if nothing else we are actually being acknowledged. If it wasn't for our agency, i'm not sure how we would have got to this point, they are fighting for us every step of the way.
During the meeting it was noted that Big and Little's social worker wasn't paying attention. In fact, she was looking out of the window and writing a report about something different all together. How the hell can we be expected to work with someone like that??
When we arrived we were told about everything and then we were handed life story books to have a quick look through now and take home. I went through about 10 pages of Big's and pointed out mistakes on each page. Now i have a memory for dates and ages so when it said that BM was x years old when Big was born and i know that she wasn't i flagged it up. Voldemort (as she's more commonly known) instantly snapped "It's right, i worked it out." i held my tongue as much as i could and reasonably quickly responded with, "Well you didn't work it out very well because it's wrong." And you know what, it is!! stupid woman. After that TS said that they would send the originals through on email for us to edit and send back so that they could re print and laminate everything for us.
The LAC review went well, the thing that made us both really happy was how amazing school are. Every single thing we've been telling and have told the LA school then said without prompt or knowing that we'd said it. Our SW is amazed by how fantastic school is. They know what they're doing, they know their stuff and they are doing everything they can to get what they need to help our children thrive.
When we got home that evening we looked at the later life letters and realised that there's at least 1 significant mistake in there and there's definite information missing.
The following evening i started looking through the LSBs to edit them....in short, they are shit. 104 pages between them and 62 pages edited. Some of the main reasons for removal and half of the story are missing. These are documents that have apparently been checked over by multiple professionals that know Big and Little's history. Quite frankly it's disgusting and as a result we've decided to do it ourselves and we will be sending an email detailing our reasoning behind it and slating the LA.
Since the LAC review, Big and Little have been absolutely awful. This is the worst few days for a while now and i am completely and utterly sick of being a Mum tonight. I miss being relaxed, i miss the woman that shouted probably once every 3 or 4 months. I miss quality time with my Wife. I know it'll pass but right now i'm just completely fed up of the stress of having to deal with an entire organisation who refuse to do their jobs unless you pull out the big guns.
Monday 22 June 2015
Moments of beauty
In the last few days and weeks we've been getting more and more really positive signs of a growing attachment/desire to be close and some trust with both of our children and i want to share some with you guys.
Whilst walking them both to school the other day, Little asked for my hand and looked at my when i gave it to them and said, 'you've got a son/daughter* on your hand" and smiled.
Big has started having really long and beautiful cuddles where they really snuggle in to us.
Both children are searching for us frantically if we're not immediately where they think we are.
Big is asking for more and more cuddles and kisses and makes sure they get plenty in with both of us each day and will get upset if we haven't had enough that day.
Little has started completely rejecting anyone but us for comfort in their time of need. Wife's BIL went to them twice in the same day recently and Little ran to find us and clung on for dear life.
We're getting disclosures more and more from Big. We had a 5 minute long very intense, very descriptive group of disclosures a few days ago that kind of knocked us for six.
They both search for us and look to us for reassurance in new situations. Big goes as far as coming back to us repeatedly.
They seem to be far more relaxed. This probably sounds weird but they do, something has changed with them both and they aren't so anxious all of the time, they're more happy to know that this is what we're doing right now and we're not having to constantly tell them what we'll be doing next.
When we're out somewhere, they both ask to go back to our house. Little even announced the other day that "our home is over that way". Neither of them have ever said home before.
During every cuddle, Little will stroke/pat us in the way that we do to them. Big is starting it but not in the same way just yet.
*Little didn't say son/daughter, they only said the one that they are.
Whilst walking them both to school the other day, Little asked for my hand and looked at my when i gave it to them and said, 'you've got a son/daughter* on your hand" and smiled.
Big has started having really long and beautiful cuddles where they really snuggle in to us.
Both children are searching for us frantically if we're not immediately where they think we are.
Big is asking for more and more cuddles and kisses and makes sure they get plenty in with both of us each day and will get upset if we haven't had enough that day.
Little has started completely rejecting anyone but us for comfort in their time of need. Wife's BIL went to them twice in the same day recently and Little ran to find us and clung on for dear life.
We're getting disclosures more and more from Big. We had a 5 minute long very intense, very descriptive group of disclosures a few days ago that kind of knocked us for six.
They both search for us and look to us for reassurance in new situations. Big goes as far as coming back to us repeatedly.
They seem to be far more relaxed. This probably sounds weird but they do, something has changed with them both and they aren't so anxious all of the time, they're more happy to know that this is what we're doing right now and we're not having to constantly tell them what we'll be doing next.
When we're out somewhere, they both ask to go back to our house. Little even announced the other day that "our home is over that way". Neither of them have ever said home before.
During every cuddle, Little will stroke/pat us in the way that we do to them. Big is starting it but not in the same way just yet.
*Little didn't say son/daughter, they only said the one that they are.
Thursday 18 June 2015
update
Things have been trundling along at quite some pace really, we're 3 months in since forever family day today and i can't quite believe it. I don't really remember what life was like before kids but i do miss certain snippets that are fast disappearing.
Big is doing much better at the minute. I'm not sure if they're doing better generally or if we're getting better and dealing with stuff and not letting it escalate. School is going really very well! They love their school and are making lots of friends and being invited to lots of parties (cue lots of anxiety from us about photos etc) and other kids are saying hello more and more on the walk home.
The only thing Big is struggling with at school at the minute is playing. They'll approach a group of kids to play with and need instant and unconditional acceptance and reassurance or you'll find them stood at the side of things looking in or wandering off. School are being brilliant though and putting support in place to help.
We're getting a few old habits creeping back in at the moment but we think father's day is having a lot to do with that. Big in particular is expecting to send cards and presents to BD as they did when they were in foster care but obviously that won't be happening. We're planning a chat about it tomorrow to clarify some things. Big also is fantasising a lot about BPs and the things that happened when they were with them. One day there wasn't a lot of food (Little and their histories confirming it) the next day it'll be, "we did have food. My x/y/z had food." It's tough, they both need to hear a blunt version of the truth but they aren't yet ready and when we don't have life story books, it's really difficult.
Little is swapping between toddler and teenager at the minute. Sometimes we have the most wonderful little human on our hands but a lot of the time we have the terrible twos in a child that is no where near 2. It's hard and it's worked it's way into school but we're all doing the same things and they're responding well.
Other than that Little is doing really well. I say that but this week we've had hay fever, potentially asthma and potentially impetigo. 2 trips to the doctors and Big is pissed off about it, they just don't realise that having to go to the doctors isn't good thing.
The thing that is striking us as the most difficult at the minute is that Little gets stuff better than Big. the difference in the intellectual maturity between them is astonishing. Big is a classic example of an adopted child, you name it and we see it in them. Little is the 'average' child who does have some stuff going on but it's nothing like what we see with Big. Little let's things go appropriately but Big is completely hyper vigilant with everything and everyone but them to the point where they've had 2 major wee accidents in the last week. None before this.
We're definitely getting there though, we seem to be getting more and more in tune with them with each day that passes. I'm getting some daft Mum sort of instincts kicking in, i went shopping for a new top for me and came back with loads of stuff for them and nothing for me etc.
I feel like i'm starting to become a mum, how long it will actually take or last, i don't know. Thing's are getting easier though and i'm happy. Everyday isn't a struggle anymore, we live week to week unless something happens and then we only seem to go down to day to day. it's good. And you know what, we're feeling just about ready to apply for the order, we just need some stuff to be in place first.
Big is doing much better at the minute. I'm not sure if they're doing better generally or if we're getting better and dealing with stuff and not letting it escalate. School is going really very well! They love their school and are making lots of friends and being invited to lots of parties (cue lots of anxiety from us about photos etc) and other kids are saying hello more and more on the walk home.
The only thing Big is struggling with at school at the minute is playing. They'll approach a group of kids to play with and need instant and unconditional acceptance and reassurance or you'll find them stood at the side of things looking in or wandering off. School are being brilliant though and putting support in place to help.
We're getting a few old habits creeping back in at the moment but we think father's day is having a lot to do with that. Big in particular is expecting to send cards and presents to BD as they did when they were in foster care but obviously that won't be happening. We're planning a chat about it tomorrow to clarify some things. Big also is fantasising a lot about BPs and the things that happened when they were with them. One day there wasn't a lot of food (Little and their histories confirming it) the next day it'll be, "we did have food. My x/y/z had food." It's tough, they both need to hear a blunt version of the truth but they aren't yet ready and when we don't have life story books, it's really difficult.
Little is swapping between toddler and teenager at the minute. Sometimes we have the most wonderful little human on our hands but a lot of the time we have the terrible twos in a child that is no where near 2. It's hard and it's worked it's way into school but we're all doing the same things and they're responding well.
Other than that Little is doing really well. I say that but this week we've had hay fever, potentially asthma and potentially impetigo. 2 trips to the doctors and Big is pissed off about it, they just don't realise that having to go to the doctors isn't good thing.
The thing that is striking us as the most difficult at the minute is that Little gets stuff better than Big. the difference in the intellectual maturity between them is astonishing. Big is a classic example of an adopted child, you name it and we see it in them. Little is the 'average' child who does have some stuff going on but it's nothing like what we see with Big. Little let's things go appropriately but Big is completely hyper vigilant with everything and everyone but them to the point where they've had 2 major wee accidents in the last week. None before this.
We're definitely getting there though, we seem to be getting more and more in tune with them with each day that passes. I'm getting some daft Mum sort of instincts kicking in, i went shopping for a new top for me and came back with loads of stuff for them and nothing for me etc.
I feel like i'm starting to become a mum, how long it will actually take or last, i don't know. Thing's are getting easier though and i'm happy. Everyday isn't a struggle anymore, we live week to week unless something happens and then we only seem to go down to day to day. it's good. And you know what, we're feeling just about ready to apply for the order, we just need some stuff to be in place first.
Monday 13 April 2015
Intros and those first few weeks of being a family
I completely and utterly forgot that i blogged on the morning of intros! Anyway, here's a quick overview of our life for the last month or so.
The first day of intros was...awkward. Wife had a serious case of food poisoning which had her up vomiting from 2am, as we were about to leave, the other end started. It was awful! She felt so rubbish all day and all Big and Little wanted to do was run and bounce on the trampoline.
When we walked into the foster carers Big and Little were there and just stared at us. Big came to me and Little to Wife, we sat on the sofa and both of them stared at us. Big kept looking me right in the eyes and smiling their little head off. Later that day, Big told me that they had been dreaming of me, absolutely melted my heart!
Foster carer was great from the get go, no awkwardness with us and let us get on with it. We got a great family photo done at the park that is strange to look at now, it's almost as if none of us look like the same people.
Overall introductions were very successful. Neither of us felt like we'd "gone through" introductions if that makes sense? It was all going very, very smoothly and we were all very happy. By day 3 i started to feel the big L and was getting incredibly emotional. Wife wasn't there at all at that point, she likes them very much but not there with anything else.
Both Big and Little were getting very confused with all the back and forth business, we kept saying that this was their forever home but you can't stay here today and that just didn't make sense to them. We had to do lots of reassurance over the 8 days and made sure that they knew exactly when we would be there etc and that helped so much.
The worst thing about intros was actually Big and Little's goodbye party. We just felt so out of place, neither B or L were really that bothered about us for the most part because so much was going on. People kept telling us how lucky they are (infuriating!!) and how we don't even know what's about to hit us etc etc. Lots of needless small talk that just isn't really relevant to us or adoption in general and people thinking they know all about parenting a traumatised child because their great uncles second cousins nephew was adopted in 1753.
Forever family day arrived at the right time, we were all fed up of the endless driving and going back and forth all the time. We picked them up and said a very quick goodbye to the foster carer and got in the car. I was fine until the foster carer hugged me and i collapsed in a flood of tears. Wife decided to drive so i could gather myself but the whole exchange only lasted about 3 or 4 minutes, it was just so intense and i really felt like i was severing a limb or something. Very strange feeling knowing that you can't just ask that question or be reassured by that nod from the other side of the room suddenly. We have kept in touch and plan to do so in the future, they have made such a difference to B&L's lives, the change in them is phenomenal, they're barely recognisable as the same children who went into care.
The drive home was very quiet, neither B or L spoke much at all until B broke down about 20 minutes from home. We decided that the best thing we could do was to reassure them and i decided to hold their hand and stroke it from the front. It seemed to work and they calmed down and just sat holding my hand for ages afterwards.
Each day we have a thing that has to be done for Big. Big does not like it but it has to be done. Doing this on forever family day is where our wonderfully happy family dynamic started to crack apart big time. It was also the first time i was punched by my child, it was hell and it really did show us exactly how things were going to be from that point on.
Over the next week, things got worse and worse. Big hit, kicked, punched, spat, screamed, shouted, shoved, strangled, pinched, you name it really and Big did it. Going in the car was filling us with dread, it was becoming dangerous within 5 minutes of getting in the car and we were stopping, we just didn't know what to do for the best.
We turned to our trusty Twitter community and our social worker. Lots of people suggested getting an mp3 player each so that they were distracted in the car and not focussing on each other and that has honestly worked wonders!!! The first day we tried it, we managed car journeys plus shopping for 2 hours and 41 minutes without incident. We were completely over the moon!!
Behaviour at home was getting worse and worse and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse...their social worker came for a visit. On the day they were both fine but the following day was WWIII in the AM household. We had 7 hours of pretty much solid violence coming in a new wave every 10-15 minutes. It was unbearable and we just didn't know what to do. We were on damage control whilst trying to make sure that no one was getting hurt. I'm fortunate that i don't bruise because if i did, i would have had black eyes and multiple big bruises on my face, arms, legs, stomach, back, neck. Pretty much everything has come at me, very little of it has been directed at Wife. It was like going in to the hunger games and hoping to be the victor. Big managed to communicate that they were scared and worried that their social worker had/was coming to take them away. We knew that would be the case but hearing it was horrible especially when they clung to me as they said it.
Everything we were trying was failing, everything that had helped us cope up until this point and made things manageable had stopped working. We were completely out of ideas and trying to avoid getting the crap beat out of us. Big is of school age (we know doesn't really say much for you reading this) and when you have a child who is functioning in that moment as a toddler but is the size of a child 2 years older than their chronological age, it's very difficult. For those of you that aren't adopters or haven't been through stuff like this, imagine having a small teenager having a full on throw yourself on the floor tantrum in a supermarket whilst being in an irrational teenagers rage and try to stop that from happening without anyone getting hurt. Big isn't a teen but the principle is the same. It's an impossible situation and if you're in it, i can pretty much guarantee that you will shout. Then you'll feel guilty about shouting. Then you'll shout again.
We'd reached out for help from their placing LA earlier in the week and had an appointment set up with therapeutic support to try and help the situation. Therapeutic support told us to call/email if anything else got worse or we needed anything in the meantime. We did and got the biggest load of bull back in an email. I was so angry. Suggestions of having their social worker speak to them on the phone to 'diffuse' the situation and the like. Completely unhelpful and worrying that it would be suggested under the circumstances.
Throughout everything our social worker has kept us sane. From Big screaming in my face that i've hurt them whilst trying to restrain them, Little disclosing some really worrying things and everything getting on top of us, she's been amazing. She's done additional therapeutic visits to try and help things, she's been on the phone at the drop of a hat and really supportive of everything we've done.
When she visited she asked us how we're feeling. We'd been talking to each other about that very thing the evening before and agreed that out of 10 (1 being the absolute worst we could feel and 10 being the best) we were on a daily 2. Maybe a 3. She wasn't judgemental or shocked but did say that it was really bad that we were feeling that low. She did and has continually given us a boost and told us that she's amazed with how well we're doing and very proud of how we're working together.
We've been getting some big disclosures recently and since Big's most dramatic one, their aggression has calmed so much. In the last few days *touch wood* we've had no violence. We've had a few little things where someone has been pushed very lightly or i had their foot against my stomach but the tension went straight away and it changed from being intended to kick me to stroking me gently. We're nowhere near where we want to be yet but we've got a few consecutive days going now, fingers crossed it stays that way for at least the rest of the day.
The only thing that we're getting especially after a big few hour long meltdown that we're struggling with is the constant questioning and need to be in contact with us. We'll get 10 questions a minute for as long as 5 hours. In that time a face or arm will appear out of nowhere. I was chopping some veg the other day when Big grabbed my arm, i was using a 6 inch long very sharp knife. scared the living daylights out of me!!
We've been introducing our family to them for a little while now. We've introduced the main people who are going to be around regularly and everything has gone well. Both B&L have some cousins who they're idolising and are now forever asking to see them. It's good for us too, we suddenly have access to our support network in a way that those first few weeks wouldn't allow. It's coming more naturally now which is brilliant for all 4 of us.
I definitely love them but it's not a mother's love as such. It's very fickle, when things are bad a really can't stand them, I hate that we've brought the tension, stress and aggression into what was our happy little house. When things are good, i'm beaming. Everything they do makes my heart swell, one cheeky little grin from either of them and i love them that little bit more. Every cuddle means the world, every time one of them tells me that they like me or picks a daisy for me whilst we're on a walk i'm a bit of an emotional wreck. They've both started stroking our backs/arms when we have a cuddle in the way that we do to them, it's the most beautiful thing ever. They're the most amazing children in the world and i feel very privileged to be one of their Mums even though i don't actually feel like i'm a parent yet. Wife doesn't love them yet. She says that she's happy and she likes them but it's just not developed into more than that yet.
One thing that we don't remember being mentioned on our training was how hard it is to parent a child who is showing you lots and lots of extreme behaviour when you either don't love them or you don't love them unconditionally. Especially when they're using the other sibling as a punchbag. It's really, really shit.
We really have had a month from hell with them, we haven't been able to relax at all. If it wasn't for the fact that we can feel the attachment developing and that they sleep, god knows where we'd be.
The only thing we know for certain is that if it wasn't for our agency, social worker, twitter and a very good friend, we wouldn't all be together as a family anymore. That sounds extreme but the only way we were truly finding all of the strength we needed to get through each day was the constant contact and support from them. They have been incredible and we will be forever in their debt.
My biggest piece of advice for anyone about to embark on this journey is to be strict. Rules can be loosened as and when appropriate but going the other way is so much harder and in our experience, they need to know the boundaries and the stricter you are with the basics to start with, the sooner they get to at least start to understand where they fit in and how things will be in their new family.
The first day of intros was...awkward. Wife had a serious case of food poisoning which had her up vomiting from 2am, as we were about to leave, the other end started. It was awful! She felt so rubbish all day and all Big and Little wanted to do was run and bounce on the trampoline.
When we walked into the foster carers Big and Little were there and just stared at us. Big came to me and Little to Wife, we sat on the sofa and both of them stared at us. Big kept looking me right in the eyes and smiling their little head off. Later that day, Big told me that they had been dreaming of me, absolutely melted my heart!
Foster carer was great from the get go, no awkwardness with us and let us get on with it. We got a great family photo done at the park that is strange to look at now, it's almost as if none of us look like the same people.
Overall introductions were very successful. Neither of us felt like we'd "gone through" introductions if that makes sense? It was all going very, very smoothly and we were all very happy. By day 3 i started to feel the big L and was getting incredibly emotional. Wife wasn't there at all at that point, she likes them very much but not there with anything else.
Both Big and Little were getting very confused with all the back and forth business, we kept saying that this was their forever home but you can't stay here today and that just didn't make sense to them. We had to do lots of reassurance over the 8 days and made sure that they knew exactly when we would be there etc and that helped so much.
The worst thing about intros was actually Big and Little's goodbye party. We just felt so out of place, neither B or L were really that bothered about us for the most part because so much was going on. People kept telling us how lucky they are (infuriating!!) and how we don't even know what's about to hit us etc etc. Lots of needless small talk that just isn't really relevant to us or adoption in general and people thinking they know all about parenting a traumatised child because their great uncles second cousins nephew was adopted in 1753.
Forever family day arrived at the right time, we were all fed up of the endless driving and going back and forth all the time. We picked them up and said a very quick goodbye to the foster carer and got in the car. I was fine until the foster carer hugged me and i collapsed in a flood of tears. Wife decided to drive so i could gather myself but the whole exchange only lasted about 3 or 4 minutes, it was just so intense and i really felt like i was severing a limb or something. Very strange feeling knowing that you can't just ask that question or be reassured by that nod from the other side of the room suddenly. We have kept in touch and plan to do so in the future, they have made such a difference to B&L's lives, the change in them is phenomenal, they're barely recognisable as the same children who went into care.
The drive home was very quiet, neither B or L spoke much at all until B broke down about 20 minutes from home. We decided that the best thing we could do was to reassure them and i decided to hold their hand and stroke it from the front. It seemed to work and they calmed down and just sat holding my hand for ages afterwards.
Each day we have a thing that has to be done for Big. Big does not like it but it has to be done. Doing this on forever family day is where our wonderfully happy family dynamic started to crack apart big time. It was also the first time i was punched by my child, it was hell and it really did show us exactly how things were going to be from that point on.
Over the next week, things got worse and worse. Big hit, kicked, punched, spat, screamed, shouted, shoved, strangled, pinched, you name it really and Big did it. Going in the car was filling us with dread, it was becoming dangerous within 5 minutes of getting in the car and we were stopping, we just didn't know what to do for the best.
We turned to our trusty Twitter community and our social worker. Lots of people suggested getting an mp3 player each so that they were distracted in the car and not focussing on each other and that has honestly worked wonders!!! The first day we tried it, we managed car journeys plus shopping for 2 hours and 41 minutes without incident. We were completely over the moon!!
Behaviour at home was getting worse and worse and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse...their social worker came for a visit. On the day they were both fine but the following day was WWIII in the AM household. We had 7 hours of pretty much solid violence coming in a new wave every 10-15 minutes. It was unbearable and we just didn't know what to do. We were on damage control whilst trying to make sure that no one was getting hurt. I'm fortunate that i don't bruise because if i did, i would have had black eyes and multiple big bruises on my face, arms, legs, stomach, back, neck. Pretty much everything has come at me, very little of it has been directed at Wife. It was like going in to the hunger games and hoping to be the victor. Big managed to communicate that they were scared and worried that their social worker had/was coming to take them away. We knew that would be the case but hearing it was horrible especially when they clung to me as they said it.
Everything we were trying was failing, everything that had helped us cope up until this point and made things manageable had stopped working. We were completely out of ideas and trying to avoid getting the crap beat out of us. Big is of school age (we know doesn't really say much for you reading this) and when you have a child who is functioning in that moment as a toddler but is the size of a child 2 years older than their chronological age, it's very difficult. For those of you that aren't adopters or haven't been through stuff like this, imagine having a small teenager having a full on throw yourself on the floor tantrum in a supermarket whilst being in an irrational teenagers rage and try to stop that from happening without anyone getting hurt. Big isn't a teen but the principle is the same. It's an impossible situation and if you're in it, i can pretty much guarantee that you will shout. Then you'll feel guilty about shouting. Then you'll shout again.
We'd reached out for help from their placing LA earlier in the week and had an appointment set up with therapeutic support to try and help the situation. Therapeutic support told us to call/email if anything else got worse or we needed anything in the meantime. We did and got the biggest load of bull back in an email. I was so angry. Suggestions of having their social worker speak to them on the phone to 'diffuse' the situation and the like. Completely unhelpful and worrying that it would be suggested under the circumstances.
Throughout everything our social worker has kept us sane. From Big screaming in my face that i've hurt them whilst trying to restrain them, Little disclosing some really worrying things and everything getting on top of us, she's been amazing. She's done additional therapeutic visits to try and help things, she's been on the phone at the drop of a hat and really supportive of everything we've done.
When she visited she asked us how we're feeling. We'd been talking to each other about that very thing the evening before and agreed that out of 10 (1 being the absolute worst we could feel and 10 being the best) we were on a daily 2. Maybe a 3. She wasn't judgemental or shocked but did say that it was really bad that we were feeling that low. She did and has continually given us a boost and told us that she's amazed with how well we're doing and very proud of how we're working together.
We've been getting some big disclosures recently and since Big's most dramatic one, their aggression has calmed so much. In the last few days *touch wood* we've had no violence. We've had a few little things where someone has been pushed very lightly or i had their foot against my stomach but the tension went straight away and it changed from being intended to kick me to stroking me gently. We're nowhere near where we want to be yet but we've got a few consecutive days going now, fingers crossed it stays that way for at least the rest of the day.
The only thing that we're getting especially after a big few hour long meltdown that we're struggling with is the constant questioning and need to be in contact with us. We'll get 10 questions a minute for as long as 5 hours. In that time a face or arm will appear out of nowhere. I was chopping some veg the other day when Big grabbed my arm, i was using a 6 inch long very sharp knife. scared the living daylights out of me!!
We've been introducing our family to them for a little while now. We've introduced the main people who are going to be around regularly and everything has gone well. Both B&L have some cousins who they're idolising and are now forever asking to see them. It's good for us too, we suddenly have access to our support network in a way that those first few weeks wouldn't allow. It's coming more naturally now which is brilliant for all 4 of us.
I definitely love them but it's not a mother's love as such. It's very fickle, when things are bad a really can't stand them, I hate that we've brought the tension, stress and aggression into what was our happy little house. When things are good, i'm beaming. Everything they do makes my heart swell, one cheeky little grin from either of them and i love them that little bit more. Every cuddle means the world, every time one of them tells me that they like me or picks a daisy for me whilst we're on a walk i'm a bit of an emotional wreck. They've both started stroking our backs/arms when we have a cuddle in the way that we do to them, it's the most beautiful thing ever. They're the most amazing children in the world and i feel very privileged to be one of their Mums even though i don't actually feel like i'm a parent yet. Wife doesn't love them yet. She says that she's happy and she likes them but it's just not developed into more than that yet.
One thing that we don't remember being mentioned on our training was how hard it is to parent a child who is showing you lots and lots of extreme behaviour when you either don't love them or you don't love them unconditionally. Especially when they're using the other sibling as a punchbag. It's really, really shit.
We really have had a month from hell with them, we haven't been able to relax at all. If it wasn't for the fact that we can feel the attachment developing and that they sleep, god knows where we'd be.
The only thing we know for certain is that if it wasn't for our agency, social worker, twitter and a very good friend, we wouldn't all be together as a family anymore. That sounds extreme but the only way we were truly finding all of the strength we needed to get through each day was the constant contact and support from them. They have been incredible and we will be forever in their debt.
My biggest piece of advice for anyone about to embark on this journey is to be strict. Rules can be loosened as and when appropriate but going the other way is so much harder and in our experience, they need to know the boundaries and the stricter you are with the basics to start with, the sooner they get to at least start to understand where they fit in and how things will be in their new family.
Tuesday 10 March 2015
Matching!!
Last week we went to matching panel. We'd had a few bumps in the road on the way with late requests for medical stuff to be done and Big and Little's social worker basically not doing her bloody job which resulted in a breakdown of her and our social workers professional relation but we made it.
We set off mega early which ended up being a good thing because it took twice the time we were expecting to get there. We met our social worker in the car park and walked over with her. It was her first matching panel so she was really nervous but neither of us were, it was kind of weird. The anticipation of what was about to happen was definitely there but nerves weren't a factor.
When we got over to the location another social worker from our agency was there (she had done our stage one stuff) which was amazing. When Big and Little's social worker walked in completely unprofessionally, her face was a picture!! B&L's social worker didn't even acknowledge either of our social workers which was pretty infuriating actually.
The time came for us to go into panel so we all filtered into what was a tiny room really for 16 people to be in but we managed it in the end. Panel were great actually, everything was very much transparent, all questions were asked with us in the room which no doubt annoyed the crap out of B&L's social worker because they ripped her work to shreds!!! She was asked so many more questions than we were, they got her to admit that she'd not done work she should have done (which she now has to do) and the biggest thing...they got her to admit that one of the proposed contact arrangements for the future is not in the best interests of Big and Little!!!! We were in shock!!! The best thing though was when they told our social worker that her paperwork was outstanding, i think we all smiled quite openly when that came out.
Next we had to wait again in the waiting room. It didn't take long at all, Wife reckons it was only about 3 minutes and we were asked back in. It was a unanimous yes!!!! I started crying pretty much instantly, as much as we were expecting everything to be smooth, i think it was shock.
When we left panel to go to the planning meeting, we got chance to have a quiet chat with our social workers, they were so happy for us. Our social worker has been so amazing and supportive, she really has made an incredible difference. Comments soon turned to what panel said about her report, she was beaming!
Planning meeting went well, we managed to compromise on how long we'll be doing initially, the LA wanted us on full days from day one but we've managed to get it down to a few hours with the potential for a break in the middle which suits us fine.
As the week has gone on my Mum has become more and more of a nightmare. honestly, she's been completely over bearing and has started to take some of our excitement away. She's interfered in areas where there's been absolutely no need for her to and as a result we decided to get our letter to family and friends sorted sooner rather than later. We used the letter on this link and edited (quite heavily really) to suit our LOs. The reaction to it has been amazing, everyone has loved it, a couple of people have had that moment of realisation about what adoption truly means on a day to day basis because of it but above all, in 1 full day, i only got 2 messages from my Mum!!!! Woo!!
The best thing that's happened since matching panel...we got to speak on the phone with Big and Little!! Hearing their voices again after so long was amazing. Big told us what they wanted to do when we meet them, Little told us their favourite part of the DVD we did (the DVD is a huge hit btw, huge!) it was just amazing. I was grinning from ear to ear after that few minute chat!!
So here we are, on the morning of introductions, it's 4:48am and i haven't slept a wink since about 2:30. I don't think i'm nervous, i'm just so conscious that this is it, there's no changing anything from this point forwards, we are parents and we have to do the best job possible. I just hope that i'm up to the task!
We set off mega early which ended up being a good thing because it took twice the time we were expecting to get there. We met our social worker in the car park and walked over with her. It was her first matching panel so she was really nervous but neither of us were, it was kind of weird. The anticipation of what was about to happen was definitely there but nerves weren't a factor.
When we got over to the location another social worker from our agency was there (she had done our stage one stuff) which was amazing. When Big and Little's social worker walked in completely unprofessionally, her face was a picture!! B&L's social worker didn't even acknowledge either of our social workers which was pretty infuriating actually.
The time came for us to go into panel so we all filtered into what was a tiny room really for 16 people to be in but we managed it in the end. Panel were great actually, everything was very much transparent, all questions were asked with us in the room which no doubt annoyed the crap out of B&L's social worker because they ripped her work to shreds!!! She was asked so many more questions than we were, they got her to admit that she'd not done work she should have done (which she now has to do) and the biggest thing...they got her to admit that one of the proposed contact arrangements for the future is not in the best interests of Big and Little!!!! We were in shock!!! The best thing though was when they told our social worker that her paperwork was outstanding, i think we all smiled quite openly when that came out.
Next we had to wait again in the waiting room. It didn't take long at all, Wife reckons it was only about 3 minutes and we were asked back in. It was a unanimous yes!!!! I started crying pretty much instantly, as much as we were expecting everything to be smooth, i think it was shock.
When we left panel to go to the planning meeting, we got chance to have a quiet chat with our social workers, they were so happy for us. Our social worker has been so amazing and supportive, she really has made an incredible difference. Comments soon turned to what panel said about her report, she was beaming!
Planning meeting went well, we managed to compromise on how long we'll be doing initially, the LA wanted us on full days from day one but we've managed to get it down to a few hours with the potential for a break in the middle which suits us fine.
As the week has gone on my Mum has become more and more of a nightmare. honestly, she's been completely over bearing and has started to take some of our excitement away. She's interfered in areas where there's been absolutely no need for her to and as a result we decided to get our letter to family and friends sorted sooner rather than later. We used the letter on this link and edited (quite heavily really) to suit our LOs. The reaction to it has been amazing, everyone has loved it, a couple of people have had that moment of realisation about what adoption truly means on a day to day basis because of it but above all, in 1 full day, i only got 2 messages from my Mum!!!! Woo!!
The best thing that's happened since matching panel...we got to speak on the phone with Big and Little!! Hearing their voices again after so long was amazing. Big told us what they wanted to do when we meet them, Little told us their favourite part of the DVD we did (the DVD is a huge hit btw, huge!) it was just amazing. I was grinning from ear to ear after that few minute chat!!
So here we are, on the morning of introductions, it's 4:48am and i haven't slept a wink since about 2:30. I don't think i'm nervous, i'm just so conscious that this is it, there's no changing anything from this point forwards, we are parents and we have to do the best job possible. I just hope that i'm up to the task!
Wednesday 28 January 2015
Preparing for the arrival of Big and Little
It's obviously been a while since I blogged and so much has happened!!! I can't go into everything on here but i'll give you a brief overview.
We're well into the swing of buying for Big and Little now, they've got all of the essentials and their bedroom is coming together. Their social worker is proving to be a bit...awkward. We've asked very basic questions and she either seems to be dodging them or is quite indecisive when it comes to giving an answer.
The biggest thing we wanted to know was whether or not they are currently in the same room because we wanted to keep it consistent for them until we feel the need to change things. She could not answer the question at all. One day they are in the same room, the next they're not. It was driving us insane!
When we visited the foster carers, we got to see where they sleep and they are in the same room. Surely their social worker should have known that? Even our social worker said that she should be checking out their bedroom each time a visit happens. Couple that with her originally saying that she wanted a December panel then changing it to January. Then something else happened and it was February. Then when we did life appreciation day it suddenly became March because she couldn't possibly have the paperwork done in time.
On life appreciation day she also said that she'd sort some extra stuff out for us, nothing huge but stuff that will help with school admissions and then when we asked for it she's said that another social worker is now dealing with it. So frustrating, we completely respect that she's realistically over worked with very little 'spare' time but if that's the case, don't make promises that you can't keep.
There's lots of life story work stuff mentioned too because both children are going to need to be worked with more and more as time goes on as neither is completely understanding of why they are where they are. We asked if their life story books are going to be available for placement as someone is currently working on it and their social worker couldn't understand why we'd need it that early and stated that normally it only arrives once the order is through. She does like to contradict herself!! We have just booked to go on a course run by our agency about life story work though so we're hoping that helps us whether we get the books when they come home or not.
That's that rant over!
When it comes to details about Big and Little, we're keeping very quiet on it all. We're not (at least for now) revealing their genders or ages. It's a personal choice really, it's part of who they are and not even family knew anything until Christmas.
Family were over the moon and emotional when they saw the pictures and we started telling them all about their personalities and likes and dislikes. There were tears and hugs, lots of excitement and so many questions. It was so wonderful being able to finally talk openly about Big and Little, it's really made a difference to us.
The main thing i guess we're trying to focus on now is to try and be as prepared as possible. We know that they like to be up early so we've started getting up early and trying to be really quite active as soon as possible (walking our dogs or doing an exercise DVD etc) to hopefully help form the habit that we'll have to deal with for a long time. Intros are going to be fun...up before 5am to make sure we'll be there on time, eek!
We'll be starting their welcome DVD soon too, we're planning a trip to the country park that's fairly local with all sorts of fun and games on the playground. We're hoping a couple of the closer family members want to make an appearance too.
The thing i'm becoming quite aware of is that i am most definitely looking at the future with rose tinted specs on. I'm imagining the fantastic fun days out we'll have as a family and where we'll go and what we'll do. I'm very much aware of the behaviours that Big and Little are currently showing and that they're likely to intensify on placement but that hasn't fully hit home yet.
I don't know if anyone could go into this thinking everyday is going to be hell on earth and i don't think you can fully prepare for the shock of it until it's there in your home. We're both trying to come up with strategies and ideas that may help with certain needs that they both have and hoping that when the time comes, the training we've received from our agency will kick in and we'll handle things well enough. i know that this is just the beginning and i know that we'll have days when we want to do nothing more than curl up in a ball and hope it stops but right in the corner of that thought i can see a flash of a smile or a cuddle at the right time and know that we'll be alright.
I think everyone has rose tinted specs on to a certain extent and i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I think it can be a very bad thing but so long as you understand where your child(ren) is coming from and why certain things may happen and respect that and try to work through it with them rather than against them, i think you'll be just fine.
I'm starting to get quite stressed in quite a few ways now too. We've had to change our idea about being Mummy and Mommy (or Mum and Mom) because Big and Little's social worker doesn't think they'll ever get it. You would not believe the discussions we've had for hours about why we think it'll work just fine and our reasoning behind it. We've settled (for now...very much for now) on Mummy and Momma, i think it'll do for now but it's still giving me a shed load of anxiety.
Last night i barely slept at all. I had the Mommy/Momma thing going round my mind and then yesterday we found out Big's middle name and it's the same name we wanted to give them. It feels wrong to keep it because Little will be getting a new middle name so we spent ages searching the internet and discussing alternatives. All night i was trying to come up with an alternative and i just couldn't settle. We have now agreed on a new name that we do love, it has a twist too which makes is really meaningful to us both so we're really happy.
I also dreamt about doing our first letterbox letter to birth Mum which was so strange. I remember a lot of the stuff that i put in it and it feels bizarre to be thinking about it at the minute. When i eventually woke from the dream my jaw was absolutely killing me and wife told me that i'd be grinding my teeth, i've not done that in years and i've never done it so much that i've made my jaw hurt!
The stress of everything is starting to show i think, we've managed to get a good email relationship going with their foster carers and that is helping a hell of a lot, they answer all of our questions and have so far made it really easy for us.
Anyway, i think that's the latest stuff, sorry it's all a bit jumbled up and strange!
We're well into the swing of buying for Big and Little now, they've got all of the essentials and their bedroom is coming together. Their social worker is proving to be a bit...awkward. We've asked very basic questions and she either seems to be dodging them or is quite indecisive when it comes to giving an answer.
The biggest thing we wanted to know was whether or not they are currently in the same room because we wanted to keep it consistent for them until we feel the need to change things. She could not answer the question at all. One day they are in the same room, the next they're not. It was driving us insane!
When we visited the foster carers, we got to see where they sleep and they are in the same room. Surely their social worker should have known that? Even our social worker said that she should be checking out their bedroom each time a visit happens. Couple that with her originally saying that she wanted a December panel then changing it to January. Then something else happened and it was February. Then when we did life appreciation day it suddenly became March because she couldn't possibly have the paperwork done in time.
On life appreciation day she also said that she'd sort some extra stuff out for us, nothing huge but stuff that will help with school admissions and then when we asked for it she's said that another social worker is now dealing with it. So frustrating, we completely respect that she's realistically over worked with very little 'spare' time but if that's the case, don't make promises that you can't keep.
There's lots of life story work stuff mentioned too because both children are going to need to be worked with more and more as time goes on as neither is completely understanding of why they are where they are. We asked if their life story books are going to be available for placement as someone is currently working on it and their social worker couldn't understand why we'd need it that early and stated that normally it only arrives once the order is through. She does like to contradict herself!! We have just booked to go on a course run by our agency about life story work though so we're hoping that helps us whether we get the books when they come home or not.
That's that rant over!
When it comes to details about Big and Little, we're keeping very quiet on it all. We're not (at least for now) revealing their genders or ages. It's a personal choice really, it's part of who they are and not even family knew anything until Christmas.
Family were over the moon and emotional when they saw the pictures and we started telling them all about their personalities and likes and dislikes. There were tears and hugs, lots of excitement and so many questions. It was so wonderful being able to finally talk openly about Big and Little, it's really made a difference to us.
The main thing i guess we're trying to focus on now is to try and be as prepared as possible. We know that they like to be up early so we've started getting up early and trying to be really quite active as soon as possible (walking our dogs or doing an exercise DVD etc) to hopefully help form the habit that we'll have to deal with for a long time. Intros are going to be fun...up before 5am to make sure we'll be there on time, eek!
We'll be starting their welcome DVD soon too, we're planning a trip to the country park that's fairly local with all sorts of fun and games on the playground. We're hoping a couple of the closer family members want to make an appearance too.
The thing i'm becoming quite aware of is that i am most definitely looking at the future with rose tinted specs on. I'm imagining the fantastic fun days out we'll have as a family and where we'll go and what we'll do. I'm very much aware of the behaviours that Big and Little are currently showing and that they're likely to intensify on placement but that hasn't fully hit home yet.
I don't know if anyone could go into this thinking everyday is going to be hell on earth and i don't think you can fully prepare for the shock of it until it's there in your home. We're both trying to come up with strategies and ideas that may help with certain needs that they both have and hoping that when the time comes, the training we've received from our agency will kick in and we'll handle things well enough. i know that this is just the beginning and i know that we'll have days when we want to do nothing more than curl up in a ball and hope it stops but right in the corner of that thought i can see a flash of a smile or a cuddle at the right time and know that we'll be alright.
I think everyone has rose tinted specs on to a certain extent and i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I think it can be a very bad thing but so long as you understand where your child(ren) is coming from and why certain things may happen and respect that and try to work through it with them rather than against them, i think you'll be just fine.
I'm starting to get quite stressed in quite a few ways now too. We've had to change our idea about being Mummy and Mommy (or Mum and Mom) because Big and Little's social worker doesn't think they'll ever get it. You would not believe the discussions we've had for hours about why we think it'll work just fine and our reasoning behind it. We've settled (for now...very much for now) on Mummy and Momma, i think it'll do for now but it's still giving me a shed load of anxiety.
Last night i barely slept at all. I had the Mommy/Momma thing going round my mind and then yesterday we found out Big's middle name and it's the same name we wanted to give them. It feels wrong to keep it because Little will be getting a new middle name so we spent ages searching the internet and discussing alternatives. All night i was trying to come up with an alternative and i just couldn't settle. We have now agreed on a new name that we do love, it has a twist too which makes is really meaningful to us both so we're really happy.
I also dreamt about doing our first letterbox letter to birth Mum which was so strange. I remember a lot of the stuff that i put in it and it feels bizarre to be thinking about it at the minute. When i eventually woke from the dream my jaw was absolutely killing me and wife told me that i'd be grinding my teeth, i've not done that in years and i've never done it so much that i've made my jaw hurt!
The stress of everything is starting to show i think, we've managed to get a good email relationship going with their foster carers and that is helping a hell of a lot, they answer all of our questions and have so far made it really easy for us.
Anyway, i think that's the latest stuff, sorry it's all a bit jumbled up and strange!
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