Stage One

We're officially in Stage 2! We're really pleased that everything has gone relatively smoothly up until this point and just want to make a note of it all for future reference.

We were accepted onto Stage one in April and straight away we jumped into doing our homework (the enormous mountain of the stuff!!) and had our first workshop the following week.

The homework was more awkward that anything. Talking about yourself isn't something that comes naturally to a lot of people and we definitely fit in that category. Some questions were really simple to answer but others were difficult. To be asked what you feel your best characteristic is when it comes to being a parent and yet you've never been a parent, it's difficult. We both answered as honestly as we could and used friends and family to help with some of the difficult bits.

The workshops were really helpful, we covered a hell of a lot in the few hours that we had. We did an exercise with bits of string where one of the group had to be a child that was about to be adopted but we had to think of all of the people that had been in her life up until that point and how she felt about them and what they meant to her. We both found that exercise in particular, very helpful.

In the following workshop, we had a discussion about the specifics of abuse (i've mentioned this in another post) which again was helpful but draining.

We have been reading lots of blogs during stage one and we're going to point family and friends in their direction a little later on in the process.

We've both read 'Creating Loving Attachments' too. I have found this to be seriously helpful and have already recommended it to someone who is struggling and arguing lots with her birth children. Even when we've been babysitting for our many nephews, we've tried to use some of the stuff mentioned to try and get us used to it. What with that and Nick King's (follow the guy on twitter, lots of laughs and some good advice from time to time) '7 second rule', we're awesome babysitters! Not 100% sure about how it'll transfer when we have our children but we're starting as we mean to go on.

We had our end of stage one interview with our agency, this took us a little by surprise. We weren't told anything about it before we got there then were told that it takes about 3 hours...totally shocked but tried to hide it and answer everything as well as we could. It all seemed to go well although with hindsight, we both agreed that we could have answered some of the questions much better and at the end we were told that both social workers were happy for us to proceed but the manager had to sign off.

After that we were both relieved and started talking more about what we were expecting in stage 2.

Weirdly, i then had a wobble for a couple of days where the thought of becoming a parent terrified me. One thing that i've learnt through reading about PACE is the importance of acceptance and that starting with the acceptance of your child's 'inner life'.

Knowing that and experiencing the fear that i was, i suddenly realised that i need to accept it. It might sound strange but i was scared for a reason, i was scared that i couldn't cope with the sorts of behaviours we might be faced but regardless of how much i tried to deny it, i would still feel that way and that's fine.

Since then i have accepted that it's fine to be scared. I think that if you're not all scared about the prospect of suddenly having a child or two move in with you forever, that's a little weird.

We are going to face challenges that we've never had to face before and that is scary and intimidating but we are so determined to do everything we can to make it work. We're determined to learn as much as possible between here and there and then to continue that learning for as long as possible.

We're not always going to get it right but the fact that we care enough to want to always get it right speaks volumes.

Thank you to those of you on Twitter that helped me see that.

Gender Stereotypes

We had a visit from our stage one social worker yesterday, she made a comment about our newly decorated bedroom being ideal for a boy because of the toys we already have in there. I called her on it by telling her that it was all of the stuff i was into as a kid and she apologised for stereotyping.

I mentioned it on twitter and we got into a really good discussion about it and the differences between girls and boys and what's generally seen as acceptable.

I'm all for our children, male or female, to express themselves in any way. If that means we have a boy that wants to run around in dresses and sleep in a princess bedroom, that's fine because it's his preference. In the same way, if we have a girl that never wants to be associated with the colour pink, again that's fine. I'm not saying that if a girl wants to wear nothing but pink and a boy wants to never even see a doll that they should be forced to, it's about their personal preference.

Toys in particular really drive me mad. You walk into any toy shop and have a quick look around, instantly you'll notice the divide between girls (pink) and boys (blue, red green, black) toys. Why can't toys just be toys?? Sweden have this one spot on, their 'Toys R Us' equivalent launched a new catalogue in late 2012 showing boys and girls playing with the toys on each page. A quick google search will bring you some images up. Isn't that how it's meant to be though? Children learn so much through play and by limiting what they're allowed to play with creates a negative attitude towards the anything that isn't included as the 'norm' for that gender.

Girls tend to have the princess thing forced upon them from an incredibly early age, so many people instantly think that because they're having a female, she'll be a 'girly girl' and want to grow up to be a princess when they're older so few people think to call them anything else. I have another twitter account and a while ago i saw this link and loved it. If we have a girl or girls, i'll be using them daily.

Girls get it before they're even born. How many times have you heard of someone having a girl and being told, "Oooh! You'll finally have someone to go shopping with!!" or something equally as stereotypical. Why is it that girls are the ones that are generally encouraged to help in the kitchen and more so with the cleaning? Are we really still living in the 1950s ideology of what a woman should be? Have we not moved on from the cleaning, cooking and child rearing image at all?

I do think that boys have a much more difficult time of it than girls especially when it comes to their emotions. If you read the responses to this tweet you'll see that i had a great reply from 'Two out of Three' who, i think, hits the nail perfectly on the head.

Generally speaking, boys (and in many cases men) aren't expected to show emotion or any feminine attributes because they are then perceived as weak or weird. Surely being able to show that you're upset & want a cuddle regardless of you age is much better for your mental well being than bottling it up and then potentially getting angry because you don't know how to deal with it?

I hear so many boys being bullied when they try new things or want to play with different toys and (scarily!!) a lot of it comes directly from the parents. I've heard boys being asked if they're a weirdo because they wanted to try a bit of nail varnish on 1 or 2 finger nails, I've heard parents calling their sons girls because they've cried for some reason or another, i hear boys being called gay by their peers constantly because they don't like this 'boys' toy/game/tv program/computer game/colour.

I believe that we need to allow children to just be who they without putting this excessive social pressure on them to conform to something they may not be.

I believe that a girl who wants to climb trees and get dirty will grow up being as strong and brilliant as the girl who wanted to dress head to toe in pink everyday.

I believe that a boy who wants to play dress up and sing along with songs on his favourite film will be just as amazing and well balanced as a boy who wants to do nothing more than rough and tumble.

The difference being that it's their choice, not anyone else's. Children have a right to find out who they are without feeling restricted by what society calls 'normal'.