Homefinding

This so far the weirdest and most difficult part of the whole process. We knew it was going to be but the reality of it is bizarre.

It all started with a letter inviting us to our home finding seminar and an additional sheet had a list of events happening in and around our area in the coming weeks/months. We decided on the events we wanted to attend and told our social worker.

Within a few days, we were going to our first exchange evening. I'm not sure what either of us were expecting but the reality was strange. We walked into a room and met up with some of the other people from our workshops and had a good catch up.

After the welcome chat with the hosting authority, we were free to look at the 30 ish profiles dotted around the room from 4 reasonably local authorities. That's when things got really weird. Looking at pictures of beautiful children and instantly saying, yes or no or too young or too close to us felt wrong in a way that i don't think I've ever experienced before.

Our home finding social workers were there for support and a chat whenever we felt like we needed it and we did. We had a sit down and chat with them about panel coming up and general life. After a while they asked if there was anyone we had noticed or wanted more information on and we mentioned that the only one we'd seen was one over the other side but nothing had grabbed us as such. They arranged for their profiles to be sent over to us after the event.

After we left, i felt really strange. I couldn't explain why i just knew that i felt really weird about the whole exchange evening thing. There was nothing in particular that got to me, it just unsettled me in a way i wasn't expecting. 48 hours later the same thing hit my wife and she couldn't explain it. With the way it happened to both of us, be prepared to experience a similar thing if you attend an event like that.

Not long after the exchange evening we went to an activity day. We'd heard all sorts about these activity days and were both looking forward to it and incredibly nervous. We made sure our minimal costumes were in place and went for it.

The introduction to the day was quick and easy, there'd been some children drop out and a couple of last minute additions, don't do this, do that, the food was being served last so go have fun and play with some kids.

We didn't know where to start, the weather was absolutely awful so the only thing we knew was that we wouldn't be going outside for now at least. We decided on the craft room and sat down at a table to make something that matched the theme of the day. Before long we had a child and a social worker sit with us and within a couple of minutes, we were chatting easily. I don't think we could have chosen a more perfect start to the day!!

We spent about 15 minutes chatting and crafting and when we'd finished making our thing, we thanked the child for all of their help and moved on to the next thing...play doh!!! i love play doh. Not sure i will when it's trampled into the carpet but as things stand, i love play doh. A little note here, if you do go to an activity day and are at a table with children playing and there's no chairs, kneel down, we were the only ones who did (including the people there with birth/previously adopted children) and it made a big difference.

When we got to the table, we realised that 2 of the children there were the ones who's profile we'd seen not long ago so we were curious to see what they were like. It took about a minute to get talking and playing and helping them with bits and have them help us. We named a bit of play doh that looked like a caterpillar, much to the delight of the oldest one.

After a while we realised that we'd spent quite a bit of time with them so thought it best to move on. We sat down with another couple of siblings and started helping one of them make something else that matched the theme well. The older of the two was easy to talk to, a little reluctant to let us help with the task but did after a little encouragement. The younger of the two wouldn't engage at all, neither us or their foster carer could get them to talk to us or respond to any questions, at one point i was hit with something they were holding. Looking back on the behaviour that child displayed, it could be a very clear indicator of some bigger issues.

We'd been at this table for about 5 minutes when the children from the exchange evening appeared and started talking to my wife straight away. It didn't take much time for me to join in and we all helped each other with some designing and gluing and sticking. It felt easy with them in a way i wasn't expecting. We again became conscious of being seen to be spending a lot of time with them so decided to move on to a different room.

On the way out, we caught up with their foster carer and asked a few questions based on what we had seen and what we'd read in their profiles. She was very honest about them, told us about their challenges and some of the things they're overcoming/have overcome since being with her and then they appeared from round the corner so we stopped our chat and decided to go to the quiet room.

On the way through to it, i asked wife how she was feeling and her response summed up where i was perfectly..."I can see it." At that point we realised that we had spent almost an hour and half with them. I started getting really emotional too so we had a good sit down to try and let things settle before going out again.

Our home finding social workers were there so we mentioned that we were definitely interested in pursuing things with them and would be registering our interest which we did at the end of the day.

We wanted to get outside since the weather had improved significantly so out we went only to get out there and realise that they were out there too!! We stopped and watched them for a little while from afar (again not wanting to look like we were hovering around the same children) and a BAAF person came and had a chat with us.

We didn't really end up talking to many more children, a couple very briefly but that was it. Overall, i thoroughly recommend going to an activity day. The children get a full day with a party like atmosphere and it gives you a small glimpse into what the children are like behind the profiles.

We emailed our social worker and told her about the people we'd met and she was really pleased. She got straight on to their social worker to try and arrange an exchange of our PAR and their CPRs which was awkward because ours had to be anonymised and we weren't allowed to see theirs because we weren't approved yet. It didn't happen straight away but it did eventually and that was when we were told that we were in a competitive matching situation. That really stung. Our social worker reassured us whilst trying to make sure we were remaining sensible but it really got to us. She read their CPR's and called us the following night.

Waiting for that call was horrible. She ended up calling earlier that she'd arranged which made it so much better on us but the waiting stuff is not fun. She gave us an overview of everything she had read and asked us how we felt about it. Hearing about the things these children had been through was strange but on a positive note, the 3 of us started getting really quite enthusiastic about our ability to parent these children.

Next was panel. We were approved!! Woo!!

Just after panel we heard back from their social worker saying that she wants to arrange a meeting with us and stating that we are no longer in a competitive matching situation.....our social worker had emailed that over to us after she'd been away for a weekend and only saw it at almost midnight, i woke at about 6am and checked my phone only to burst out crying whilst waking wife up to tell her. We were being seriously considered to parent these children!!!!

That meeting came, we discussed a lot of stuff, asked and answered a lot of questions, ate cake, drank tea, had a tour of the house and garden, looked at pictures and watched a DVD of them. Their social worker seemed to be really on board, our social worker is and so are we. We know that the children are going to need a lot of support going forwards but nothing is worrying us when it comes to our ability to parent them, everything we've heard and every question asked/answered has made sense to us.

In conclusion......it's official....WE'RE LINKED!!!!

Panel

It's been a couple of weeks but i thought it might be good for me to get our panel experience down in the blog :)

We arrived close to our agency almost an hour early so decided that a trip to costa was in order. A hot chocolate and short walk and we arrived! We were nervous, our social worker was visibly nervous as it was her first ever panel and we are her first couple.

Before long, the time arrived for her (another social worker who knows us pretty well joined her for a bit of support) to go in and get quizzed. After about 15 minutes, we were invited in.

Walking into that room is pretty intimidating!! We had 8 panel members and our social worker(s) and the room was really quite full, goodness knows what it would have been like if there were more people.

One of the panel members had run the workshops during stage one and was one of the reasons we chose our agency, seeing her face was such a relief. We calmed right down. The questions soon started and we got into a rhythm with them. Almost everyone was really pleased with our answers and the general feeling in the room was one of complete support.

Now i say almost everyone because there was one panel member who was not happy about anything we said. They asked us to name 3 parenting qualities we believe we possess and when we started, we just kept going. The person in question stopped us after a couple of minutes and said, "well that was 2." the social worker who was there for support was not happy. She folded her arms and said, "I counted 4."

After that there was a question about schools and we said that more than anything, we want a school that can meet the needs of our children and teach about diversity. We mentioned that we'd visited a faith school who teach tolerance and said that tolerance just isn't good enough for us. We also mentioned that results and league tables are relatively low on our list of needs from a school. Awkward panel member hated that answer.

After that we were asked to leave. We waited in the back room for the chair and vice chair to come and tell us the verdict and it took what felt like forever. They eventually appeared, told us to relax and said that it was a yes! Incredibly happy!!

Our social worker came through to us and we had a chat about it. Awkward panel member had said no. During the approval process we have decluttered most of the house, redecorated parts, lost a lot of weight each and had a big overhaul on our garden. APM's official reasoning for saying no was that they're convinced that we've done all of that stuff to be approved and won't ever keep it up and they were concerned with us not approaching any schools until the end of term (despite us not even starting stage 2 until the end of June).

Our social worker was furious and even said that all of the questions APM asked made her think they hadn't even read our PAR.

We then decided to go to the nearest town centre for some lunch and a celebratory cider and before long, the couple that went in afterwards joined us. Turns out that APM was nice as pie and approved them despite them not doing things that had been asked of them along the to do with their house, garden and weight.

I don't want to think it but i can't help feeling like maybe APM's decision had more to do with the fact that we're gay than anything else and that truly saddens me. Overall, we're approved and that's the main thing but the fact that APM did what they did just reminds us that this isn't going to be straightforward and even in the most supportive of environments, people may not be as open minded as we'd expect.