Homefinding

This so far the weirdest and most difficult part of the whole process. We knew it was going to be but the reality of it is bizarre.

It all started with a letter inviting us to our home finding seminar and an additional sheet had a list of events happening in and around our area in the coming weeks/months. We decided on the events we wanted to attend and told our social worker.

Within a few days, we were going to our first exchange evening. I'm not sure what either of us were expecting but the reality was strange. We walked into a room and met up with some of the other people from our workshops and had a good catch up.

After the welcome chat with the hosting authority, we were free to look at the 30 ish profiles dotted around the room from 4 reasonably local authorities. That's when things got really weird. Looking at pictures of beautiful children and instantly saying, yes or no or too young or too close to us felt wrong in a way that i don't think I've ever experienced before.

Our home finding social workers were there for support and a chat whenever we felt like we needed it and we did. We had a sit down and chat with them about panel coming up and general life. After a while they asked if there was anyone we had noticed or wanted more information on and we mentioned that the only one we'd seen was one over the other side but nothing had grabbed us as such. They arranged for their profiles to be sent over to us after the event.

After we left, i felt really strange. I couldn't explain why i just knew that i felt really weird about the whole exchange evening thing. There was nothing in particular that got to me, it just unsettled me in a way i wasn't expecting. 48 hours later the same thing hit my wife and she couldn't explain it. With the way it happened to both of us, be prepared to experience a similar thing if you attend an event like that.

Not long after the exchange evening we went to an activity day. We'd heard all sorts about these activity days and were both looking forward to it and incredibly nervous. We made sure our minimal costumes were in place and went for it.

The introduction to the day was quick and easy, there'd been some children drop out and a couple of last minute additions, don't do this, do that, the food was being served last so go have fun and play with some kids.

We didn't know where to start, the weather was absolutely awful so the only thing we knew was that we wouldn't be going outside for now at least. We decided on the craft room and sat down at a table to make something that matched the theme of the day. Before long we had a child and a social worker sit with us and within a couple of minutes, we were chatting easily. I don't think we could have chosen a more perfect start to the day!!

We spent about 15 minutes chatting and crafting and when we'd finished making our thing, we thanked the child for all of their help and moved on to the next thing...play doh!!! i love play doh. Not sure i will when it's trampled into the carpet but as things stand, i love play doh. A little note here, if you do go to an activity day and are at a table with children playing and there's no chairs, kneel down, we were the only ones who did (including the people there with birth/previously adopted children) and it made a big difference.

When we got to the table, we realised that 2 of the children there were the ones who's profile we'd seen not long ago so we were curious to see what they were like. It took about a minute to get talking and playing and helping them with bits and have them help us. We named a bit of play doh that looked like a caterpillar, much to the delight of the oldest one.

After a while we realised that we'd spent quite a bit of time with them so thought it best to move on. We sat down with another couple of siblings and started helping one of them make something else that matched the theme well. The older of the two was easy to talk to, a little reluctant to let us help with the task but did after a little encouragement. The younger of the two wouldn't engage at all, neither us or their foster carer could get them to talk to us or respond to any questions, at one point i was hit with something they were holding. Looking back on the behaviour that child displayed, it could be a very clear indicator of some bigger issues.

We'd been at this table for about 5 minutes when the children from the exchange evening appeared and started talking to my wife straight away. It didn't take much time for me to join in and we all helped each other with some designing and gluing and sticking. It felt easy with them in a way i wasn't expecting. We again became conscious of being seen to be spending a lot of time with them so decided to move on to a different room.

On the way out, we caught up with their foster carer and asked a few questions based on what we had seen and what we'd read in their profiles. She was very honest about them, told us about their challenges and some of the things they're overcoming/have overcome since being with her and then they appeared from round the corner so we stopped our chat and decided to go to the quiet room.

On the way through to it, i asked wife how she was feeling and her response summed up where i was perfectly..."I can see it." At that point we realised that we had spent almost an hour and half with them. I started getting really emotional too so we had a good sit down to try and let things settle before going out again.

Our home finding social workers were there so we mentioned that we were definitely interested in pursuing things with them and would be registering our interest which we did at the end of the day.

We wanted to get outside since the weather had improved significantly so out we went only to get out there and realise that they were out there too!! We stopped and watched them for a little while from afar (again not wanting to look like we were hovering around the same children) and a BAAF person came and had a chat with us.

We didn't really end up talking to many more children, a couple very briefly but that was it. Overall, i thoroughly recommend going to an activity day. The children get a full day with a party like atmosphere and it gives you a small glimpse into what the children are like behind the profiles.

We emailed our social worker and told her about the people we'd met and she was really pleased. She got straight on to their social worker to try and arrange an exchange of our PAR and their CPRs which was awkward because ours had to be anonymised and we weren't allowed to see theirs because we weren't approved yet. It didn't happen straight away but it did eventually and that was when we were told that we were in a competitive matching situation. That really stung. Our social worker reassured us whilst trying to make sure we were remaining sensible but it really got to us. She read their CPR's and called us the following night.

Waiting for that call was horrible. She ended up calling earlier that she'd arranged which made it so much better on us but the waiting stuff is not fun. She gave us an overview of everything she had read and asked us how we felt about it. Hearing about the things these children had been through was strange but on a positive note, the 3 of us started getting really quite enthusiastic about our ability to parent these children.

Next was panel. We were approved!! Woo!!

Just after panel we heard back from their social worker saying that she wants to arrange a meeting with us and stating that we are no longer in a competitive matching situation.....our social worker had emailed that over to us after she'd been away for a weekend and only saw it at almost midnight, i woke at about 6am and checked my phone only to burst out crying whilst waking wife up to tell her. We were being seriously considered to parent these children!!!!

That meeting came, we discussed a lot of stuff, asked and answered a lot of questions, ate cake, drank tea, had a tour of the house and garden, looked at pictures and watched a DVD of them. Their social worker seemed to be really on board, our social worker is and so are we. We know that the children are going to need a lot of support going forwards but nothing is worrying us when it comes to our ability to parent them, everything we've heard and every question asked/answered has made sense to us.

In conclusion......it's official....WE'RE LINKED!!!!

Panel

It's been a couple of weeks but i thought it might be good for me to get our panel experience down in the blog :)

We arrived close to our agency almost an hour early so decided that a trip to costa was in order. A hot chocolate and short walk and we arrived! We were nervous, our social worker was visibly nervous as it was her first ever panel and we are her first couple.

Before long, the time arrived for her (another social worker who knows us pretty well joined her for a bit of support) to go in and get quizzed. After about 15 minutes, we were invited in.

Walking into that room is pretty intimidating!! We had 8 panel members and our social worker(s) and the room was really quite full, goodness knows what it would have been like if there were more people.

One of the panel members had run the workshops during stage one and was one of the reasons we chose our agency, seeing her face was such a relief. We calmed right down. The questions soon started and we got into a rhythm with them. Almost everyone was really pleased with our answers and the general feeling in the room was one of complete support.

Now i say almost everyone because there was one panel member who was not happy about anything we said. They asked us to name 3 parenting qualities we believe we possess and when we started, we just kept going. The person in question stopped us after a couple of minutes and said, "well that was 2." the social worker who was there for support was not happy. She folded her arms and said, "I counted 4."

After that there was a question about schools and we said that more than anything, we want a school that can meet the needs of our children and teach about diversity. We mentioned that we'd visited a faith school who teach tolerance and said that tolerance just isn't good enough for us. We also mentioned that results and league tables are relatively low on our list of needs from a school. Awkward panel member hated that answer.

After that we were asked to leave. We waited in the back room for the chair and vice chair to come and tell us the verdict and it took what felt like forever. They eventually appeared, told us to relax and said that it was a yes! Incredibly happy!!

Our social worker came through to us and we had a chat about it. Awkward panel member had said no. During the approval process we have decluttered most of the house, redecorated parts, lost a lot of weight each and had a big overhaul on our garden. APM's official reasoning for saying no was that they're convinced that we've done all of that stuff to be approved and won't ever keep it up and they were concerned with us not approaching any schools until the end of term (despite us not even starting stage 2 until the end of June).

Our social worker was furious and even said that all of the questions APM asked made her think they hadn't even read our PAR.

We then decided to go to the nearest town centre for some lunch and a celebratory cider and before long, the couple that went in afterwards joined us. Turns out that APM was nice as pie and approved them despite them not doing things that had been asked of them along the to do with their house, garden and weight.

I don't want to think it but i can't help feeling like maybe APM's decision had more to do with the fact that we're gay than anything else and that truly saddens me. Overall, we're approved and that's the main thing but the fact that APM did what they did just reminds us that this isn't going to be straightforward and even in the most supportive of environments, people may not be as open minded as we'd expect.

The Approval Process

We started this funny old process in April. As i'm writing this, we're less than 24 hours away from (hopefully) being approved.

When we started we were keen to learn and talk to as many people as possible to get as much insight into what it means to be an adoptive parent, something that i think we've done quite successfully to date and as a result, we've developed some awesome friendships.

Stage one was great, very much the start of a sharp learning curve. We completed our workshops and really enjoyed them. We got talking to some of the people there too and are keeping in touch with them, one of the couples has their panel straight after ours.

Once we got to stage 2 the workshops seemed to relax a little. The information was a little more intense but the participants seemed to be more laid back and it was actually a lot of fun. Our agency has a brilliant approach to the workshops and really gives us a lot of information and is always offering to support further learning.

We have learned so much throughout the workshops and have found them to be an invaluable experience, they really do go above and beyond in every way!

Our social worker is so fantastic, talk about going above and beyond, she replies to any message as soon as she gets it. That's whether she's working or not, if it's 11pm on a Friday night, she replies. She's been known to send us emails at almost midnight before, we could not have asked for a better or more committed social worker, she's amazing!!

Our home study was brilliant!!! So cool to sit and discuss stuff with someone new. Parts of it were quite tough and that left us both feeling quite tired with crazy headaches afterwards but we were fully supported by our social worker all the way through. We're able to be completely honest with her about anything and everything. If you're doing your home study, make sure you allow plenty of time (we were told an hour and half to 2 hours each time and they were more like 2 and half to 3 hours most of the time) and if possible, don't go to work afterwards.

Towards the end of stage 2 we attended a home finding seminar. Completely invaluable, it set out what to expect from approval panel onwards which is something we've shared with family so that they know what to expect from us.

We've decided that we won't share anything about how home finding is going until we have a milestone reached, our emotions are going to be pushed to the limits through matching and we just don't want the added pressure of people knowing every single interest we have or don't have.

We started looking at profiles a few weeks ago and it's tough. To look at a few paragraphs and try and decide whether or not that child/those children could be your children is so hard.

The really bizarre thing about the approval process is how straight forward it's been. I don't know if that's down to how our agency have handled it or what but everything seems to have fallen into place in front of us. Any time we've had a worry, the solution has come within a couple of weeks at most. Everything has flowed so easily so far that it's completely like it was the perfect time for us to start it all. So happy and really looking forward to what the future holds!!

So for now, this is where we are.

Anonymity

Something seems to have come up on twitter recently, both myself and someone else (i can't remember who it was) realised that even if you're account is locked, you can be tweeted by people who don't follow you.

This lead me to think about overall internet privacy especially in regards to adoption. I'm normally quite an open person and don't hide much but recently, i've become more and more aware of the impact that could have on our children. 

We don't know the background that our children come from and don't know how safe we will be to put details about them online in any form. We don't know who might be watching everything we tweet, what is there to stop a genuine birth parent from posing as an adopter, getting talking to one of us and then discovering who you are just because you've slipped up without thinking on a couple of things and then have them turn up on a twitter meet up that you invited them to where your children are there? 

That absolutely terrifies me, the children that we end up adopting are going to come from a situation that is at best detrimental to their health and development but could well be life threatening. 

It's a big 'if' when you're talking about these things but you just don't know who knows who, how many times have you seen a friend talking to someone on Facebook that you know from a completely different social circle? What if one of their friends is a friend of a birth parent? Especially if you adopt through a fairly local authority, these things can and i'm sure do happen.

We've decided between us that we won't be announcing the genders of our children, their ages or birthdays, any of their physical features, no pictures from the neck up (maybe even not at all), no names, basically nothing that can be used to identify them. 

The same goes for us though, we won't tell people on twitter anything recognisable about us unless we actually meet them. No jobs, no birthdays, no anniversaries, no 'we're going to see X in concert tonight', no mention of the region we live in, no mention of the name of our agency, as little as possible. 

The risk to our children is just too great, lots of chance things have to come together for anyone significant to find us but it's possible. Nothing on the internet is ever safe and as the most basic thing,  it'll be our job as parents to make sure that our children are.

Stage 2 so far...

Stage 2 has flown by so far, it's really shocked me. I've just looked at my diary and realised that as of Wednesday, we'll officially be halfway through home study and as of Friday we'll have finished our prep groups! Time is flying!!

The prep groups so far have been great, our agency are brilliant and very supportive throughout all of them. The homework has been ok too, the first was pretty simple then the second was much more difficult but that had a lot more to do with the subject matter than anything. 

Our social worker is lovely!! We're really pleased that we got her, she's very understanding and absolutely loves cake...wife got some mega brownie points when she baked a big Victoria sponge a couple of weeks ago. 

My individual session was tough. I didn't realise until afterwards that she had got me talking about stuff that I've probably never mentioned to other people that I know, nevermind someone I don't. One thing felt really weird when I said it out loud and I found myself having to quickly change focus so i didn't cry but for the most part, talking about a lot of the stuff that went off was bizarre because it just doesn't feel anything like my life now. It's almost as if someone else lived it for me. 

Lots of what I had said hit me afterwards and I ended up emailing her to thank her for being great. She replied to say that she was really pleased with the session and the way I relayed the information, big bonus!

Family are getting more involved (in a good way!) now, both of our mums are reading more and asking more questions about everything. Our nephews are too which is brilliant! We're talking to them about stuff in a little more detail now too, starting to try and introduce the possibility of challenging behaviours so that hopefully if our children do hit them etc, they'll be more prepared for it and it won't completely shock them.

My SIL is reading everything she can get her hands on and is attending a family information day at our agency along with me and my FIL. It's so good to see everyone coming together and supporting us as much as they are.

The only bad thing to report is a completely idiotic comment from my Mum's partner. He has a bit of a history of saying really stupid things about anything and everything and when i was discussing using different names on social media (i gave some twitter examples) Mum was genuinely interested and asking why etc and he pipes up in the background with 'Dumb and Dumber'.

He really can be the biggest of the idiots when he wants to be, i don't even think he was fully listening to what we were talking about but Mum had a go at him and he shut up. I was so furious with him and really had to bite my tongue much harder than i wanted to. If he even thinks of saying anything even remotely close to that when our children are home, i will not do the same.

Wife and i have been trying to talk more about specific situations and how we'll cope with certain things and how we'll communicate that one of us needs a time out to catch their breath (i think the dogs may be walked a bit more than usual!). We've even started talking about how we'll explain some of the more random things like my Mum having wobbly eyes (nystagmus).

It's all getting more and more real by the day and i think our perception of what's about to happen is changing and we're maturing more each day. We're trying to be more patient over all (not that we're particularly impatient) and i think people at my work have a sixth sense about it because i am being tested to my limits recently. Here's hoping that it's all good training.

We're both still really excited, nervous and quite scared but generally, when we think about how scared we are, we have a smile on our faces. It's a good scared, a really good scared.

Stage One

We're officially in Stage 2! We're really pleased that everything has gone relatively smoothly up until this point and just want to make a note of it all for future reference.

We were accepted onto Stage one in April and straight away we jumped into doing our homework (the enormous mountain of the stuff!!) and had our first workshop the following week.

The homework was more awkward that anything. Talking about yourself isn't something that comes naturally to a lot of people and we definitely fit in that category. Some questions were really simple to answer but others were difficult. To be asked what you feel your best characteristic is when it comes to being a parent and yet you've never been a parent, it's difficult. We both answered as honestly as we could and used friends and family to help with some of the difficult bits.

The workshops were really helpful, we covered a hell of a lot in the few hours that we had. We did an exercise with bits of string where one of the group had to be a child that was about to be adopted but we had to think of all of the people that had been in her life up until that point and how she felt about them and what they meant to her. We both found that exercise in particular, very helpful.

In the following workshop, we had a discussion about the specifics of abuse (i've mentioned this in another post) which again was helpful but draining.

We have been reading lots of blogs during stage one and we're going to point family and friends in their direction a little later on in the process.

We've both read 'Creating Loving Attachments' too. I have found this to be seriously helpful and have already recommended it to someone who is struggling and arguing lots with her birth children. Even when we've been babysitting for our many nephews, we've tried to use some of the stuff mentioned to try and get us used to it. What with that and Nick King's (follow the guy on twitter, lots of laughs and some good advice from time to time) '7 second rule', we're awesome babysitters! Not 100% sure about how it'll transfer when we have our children but we're starting as we mean to go on.

We had our end of stage one interview with our agency, this took us a little by surprise. We weren't told anything about it before we got there then were told that it takes about 3 hours...totally shocked but tried to hide it and answer everything as well as we could. It all seemed to go well although with hindsight, we both agreed that we could have answered some of the questions much better and at the end we were told that both social workers were happy for us to proceed but the manager had to sign off.

After that we were both relieved and started talking more about what we were expecting in stage 2.

Weirdly, i then had a wobble for a couple of days where the thought of becoming a parent terrified me. One thing that i've learnt through reading about PACE is the importance of acceptance and that starting with the acceptance of your child's 'inner life'.

Knowing that and experiencing the fear that i was, i suddenly realised that i need to accept it. It might sound strange but i was scared for a reason, i was scared that i couldn't cope with the sorts of behaviours we might be faced but regardless of how much i tried to deny it, i would still feel that way and that's fine.

Since then i have accepted that it's fine to be scared. I think that if you're not all scared about the prospect of suddenly having a child or two move in with you forever, that's a little weird.

We are going to face challenges that we've never had to face before and that is scary and intimidating but we are so determined to do everything we can to make it work. We're determined to learn as much as possible between here and there and then to continue that learning for as long as possible.

We're not always going to get it right but the fact that we care enough to want to always get it right speaks volumes.

Thank you to those of you on Twitter that helped me see that.

Gender Stereotypes

We had a visit from our stage one social worker yesterday, she made a comment about our newly decorated bedroom being ideal for a boy because of the toys we already have in there. I called her on it by telling her that it was all of the stuff i was into as a kid and she apologised for stereotyping.

I mentioned it on twitter and we got into a really good discussion about it and the differences between girls and boys and what's generally seen as acceptable.

I'm all for our children, male or female, to express themselves in any way. If that means we have a boy that wants to run around in dresses and sleep in a princess bedroom, that's fine because it's his preference. In the same way, if we have a girl that never wants to be associated with the colour pink, again that's fine. I'm not saying that if a girl wants to wear nothing but pink and a boy wants to never even see a doll that they should be forced to, it's about their personal preference.

Toys in particular really drive me mad. You walk into any toy shop and have a quick look around, instantly you'll notice the divide between girls (pink) and boys (blue, red green, black) toys. Why can't toys just be toys?? Sweden have this one spot on, their 'Toys R Us' equivalent launched a new catalogue in late 2012 showing boys and girls playing with the toys on each page. A quick google search will bring you some images up. Isn't that how it's meant to be though? Children learn so much through play and by limiting what they're allowed to play with creates a negative attitude towards the anything that isn't included as the 'norm' for that gender.

Girls tend to have the princess thing forced upon them from an incredibly early age, so many people instantly think that because they're having a female, she'll be a 'girly girl' and want to grow up to be a princess when they're older so few people think to call them anything else. I have another twitter account and a while ago i saw this link and loved it. If we have a girl or girls, i'll be using them daily.

Girls get it before they're even born. How many times have you heard of someone having a girl and being told, "Oooh! You'll finally have someone to go shopping with!!" or something equally as stereotypical. Why is it that girls are the ones that are generally encouraged to help in the kitchen and more so with the cleaning? Are we really still living in the 1950s ideology of what a woman should be? Have we not moved on from the cleaning, cooking and child rearing image at all?

I do think that boys have a much more difficult time of it than girls especially when it comes to their emotions. If you read the responses to this tweet you'll see that i had a great reply from 'Two out of Three' who, i think, hits the nail perfectly on the head.

Generally speaking, boys (and in many cases men) aren't expected to show emotion or any feminine attributes because they are then perceived as weak or weird. Surely being able to show that you're upset & want a cuddle regardless of you age is much better for your mental well being than bottling it up and then potentially getting angry because you don't know how to deal with it?

I hear so many boys being bullied when they try new things or want to play with different toys and (scarily!!) a lot of it comes directly from the parents. I've heard boys being asked if they're a weirdo because they wanted to try a bit of nail varnish on 1 or 2 finger nails, I've heard parents calling their sons girls because they've cried for some reason or another, i hear boys being called gay by their peers constantly because they don't like this 'boys' toy/game/tv program/computer game/colour.

I believe that we need to allow children to just be who they without putting this excessive social pressure on them to conform to something they may not be.

I believe that a girl who wants to climb trees and get dirty will grow up being as strong and brilliant as the girl who wanted to dress head to toe in pink everyday.

I believe that a boy who wants to play dress up and sing along with songs on his favourite film will be just as amazing and well balanced as a boy who wants to do nothing more than rough and tumble.

The difference being that it's their choice, not anyone else's. Children have a right to find out who they are without feeling restricted by what society calls 'normal'.

Technology and children

If you could go back in time and stop the internet from being invented, would you?

This may seem like a preachy and slightly hypocritical post but i assure you, it's not intended to be read that way. It's purely my opinion and comment on technology in a modern society.

I love my tech. I love that i have so much power in the palm of my hand that with just a few taps on a keyboard, i can find out just about anything about anything at pretty much the same time as ordering a gift, paying my bills and booking a table at a restaurant.

The internet has opened the world up to more possibilities than ever before and that is a truly remarkable thing.

My issue is that i don't think enough people respect it. I don't think people talk about the negatives enough and i certainly don't think people are protecting their children from the dangers.

This isn't a comment on the high profile issues such as grooming and cyber bullying (although i'm not trying to play the down, this just isn't the post to be raising that discussion), this is more subtle than that.

When i was a child, i wouldn't dare ask my parents or grandparents for anything that would cost any more than about £50 and that would be pushing it but that apparently doesn't cut it anymore. A few weeks ago when i logged onto Facebook a friend of mine had put a picture up of her 3 year old sons birthday presents.

She bought him an iPad air and printer.

What the hell does a 3 year old need an iPad for??! Seriously.

It really has sparked something in me. No child needs a tablet and yet this seems to be the norm, more and more children are being given these overly expensive gifts before they have any concept of what they cost. More and more parents are feeling pressured to provide these things for their children despite struggling to pay their bills.

All this comes at a price, the more kids get, the more they expect. First it's a games console, next it's a tablet, by the time they're 8 or 9, they expect £500 phones. They don't learn what it means to be able to have these things, it becomes something insignificant.

On top of that, so many kids become obsessed with the internet and games etc to the point where they are seriously lacking in even the most basic of social skills and are constantly demanding the familiar sight and feel of a tablet or phone in their hands.

I'm not completely against a child having access to the internet and the tech that comes with it but i think it needs to be moderated properly. It shouldn't be an all day thing, they shouldn't be given the tablet etc to babysit them.

I'm hoping that when the time comes, our children will have a good understanding of the internet but won't rely on it to pacify them. I'm hoping that the same will be said for TV. I'm hoping that we will be able to encourage them to enjoy their childhoods and to be silly and to use their imaginations. To enjoy being outside and playing games and running around just because they can.

I don't want my children to become tech zombies. I want them to live.

To answer my own question, as much as i love the internet and all the positive things that come with it (the blogging community and twitter support for starters!), i would absolutely do it. Without a shadow of a doubt. Children need to be children and i honestly think that the internet is slowly but surely forcing them to grow up way too early.

Workshops

We attended our second workshop as part of stage one yesterday and i felt the need to blog about it.

The first briefly covered loss and grief, contact, becoming part of a minority group and legal issues. This was very informative and we both came away having learnt more than we were expecting and both had a different perspective of things from the childs point of view.

This week we attended the workshop dealing with child development, attachment, abuse and trauma and parenting, healing and hope.

This was a different kettle of fish. The abuse and trauma sections really had an impact on me to the point where i was exhausted by the time we got home and it wasn't even 8pm. I think it's completely normal to be in a situation where you're thinking about abuse and its effects (affects?!? i never know the difference) for it to have that sort of impact. It was mentally draining.

Whilst we were talking about abuse we had to give examples of neglect, emotional, sexual and physical abuse and domestic violence. All of that was fine and completely understandable but a couple of things that were said proved to be very controversial in the room.

When we were discussing emotional abuse, someone said that post natal depression was a form of abuse. Quite a few of us were shocked that it came up in that context without explanation and one woman spoke up. She was very unhappy with it being classed as abuse and gave examples of friends who would have been mortified to hear the same thing after going through it themselves.

I completely agreed with her. I personally don't think that PND is abusive. I think the repercussions of it can be in certain circumstances but this wasn't considered until it was challenged.

The next thing that was difficult was discussing sexual abuse. This is never going to be an easy subject for anyone to discuss, we all know that it happens and what it entails but to sit and talk about the technicalities and exactly what goes on is a whole other ball game.

So far this has been the only thing that has made me uncomfortable. It sounds daft as a grown adult but sex has never been something that has been discussed in my family (apart from the time that my Granny had a serious water infection and was convinced that the doctors were trying to have sex with her!) and to discuss it out in the open like that was weird. I know that makes me sound immature but even now, sex is a taboo subject with my lot.

We've been having lots of discussions about the sorts of children we feel that we'd be able to adopt and we've both said that we don't feel as though we have the right skills to be able to raise a child who has been sexually abused. The social workers made a point of basically saying that we can't say no to sexual abuse because they can't possible know everything before a child is placed.

This bothered us both again because if something came up then we would find a way to deal with it whilst keeping our children's best interests at heart but neither of us feel comfortable with taking on a child who is known to have experienced sexual abuse.

All in all, yesterday was tiring!

The worries

At this moment in time, we are throwing ourselves pretty much completely into the unknown. We don't know what stage 2 is going to reveal, we don't know how we're going to react to any of it and we certainly don't know what our social worker thinks of us.

Most of it, we're pretty confident about dealing with, however, there are little things that i keep thinking about and over analysing.

My upbringing was not great. After speaking with my Mum about things recently, we're both pretty convinced that if it was now, i probably would have ended up in care. Mainly down to my Mum's ex and the abuse we all suffered as a family thanks to him but my Mum being bipolar really wouldn't have helped matters.

Is that going to go against us? Is the fact that my Mum and I get on really well now even though lots of stuff happened back then and she (from the outside) did nothing to prevent it? What if they decided that my wife's upbringing was too straight forward? What if that's all fine but they think that we're completely irresponsible now?

A few nights ago, I dreamt that we got to panel and were declined because of my hairstyle. They saw it as being something that showed that i was immature. They then banned us from ever applying again.

The week before that, i suddenly thought about my tattoos. Now i don't have lots of really OTT crazy tattoos but i do have a few and one that has a huge amount of meaning behind it is on my forearm. What if we get through this whole process, we're approved, matched and go to meet our children with everything being fine. Once we get there, what happens if my tattoos set something off with them and they instantly distrust me?

I know these are only little things but they're still there and they're very much real.

Twitter

If you follow me on twitter, you'll know that i have been cracking one with my stage one homework recently and it's been going well.

We had our first visit from our stage one social worker this week so that she could help with/ask about our homework. She was pleased with our progress and was keen to talk about some of the bits that seemed a little silly etc.

One of the pieces of homework is for us to do our 'eco map'. This is basically a list of people and organisations who will be there to help with support etc when any children come to live with you. She mentioned that we shouldn't forget things like CAMHS and the agency as well as friends and family. 

I mentioned that we'd listed twitter as a good source of support and she was very intrigued. I explained that i'd set up a new user and had linked up with lots of other people who are going through the process and have adopted and she was quite impressed.

So far in this journey, twitter has been incredible. the support and advice we've received has been second to none! The blogs we've connected with are brilliant, they're honest and informative in a way that we haven't experienced with the process yet. I'm so happy that i decided to set up a new user for this, it really is the best decision (other than which agency to go with) we've made to date.

When we were trying to conceive, we dabbled into the pregnancy and baby blogs and following people on twitter but were pretty much blanked. It felt like being the fat kid at school getting picked last for football, i was an outsider and boy did i know it. 

The adoption gang has been the complete opposite and i'm so happy about it. I'm hoping to connect with more people over time, offer support where i can and have somewhere to turn when we need it. 

Age

That may seem like a weird title to a blog post but since we started the process, age is something that has come up more and more.

Everyone we've told that we're hoping to adopt has asked about the age of the children we're interested in and when we say that we're thinking of up to the age of 7, theres 2 responses. The first is, "Oh but wouldn't you just prefer a baby??" and the other is, "But why 7?"

The first is a little annoying at worst but we explain that a baby isn't the be all and end all of parenting and they get it.

The second is a little more to do with our age. I'm still in my (late) 20s and my wife is only just in her 30s. If we had a child that was older, we're worried that they would feel even more out of place initially and then struggle more with attachment etc because of it.

Plus, if we turn up to school with a 10 year old, there'll be even more questions than there will have been anyway. The playground can be a very cliquey place anyway, we just don't want to add extra strain especially for a child that has been through the mill already. I'm not saying that this sort of stuff won't be an issue with a slightly younger child but i'm hoping it won't be as much of an issue.

Staying on the subject of our age, i feel young! The adoption circles seem to be mainly populated by people who are 35+ and each time i talk to people or see people at our agency, i'm feeling very aware of the fact that i'm a 20 something still.

Our agency haven't mentioned it at all and the fact that we've been together for over 10 years helps a lot but i'm still very aware of it. I'm hoping our maturity helps too, we've both been described as 'wiser than our years' since we were small.

I'm not sure whether being younger is going to go in our favour or not but i hope it does. After all, age isn't everything.

My Pre Adoption Bucket list...

I was on twitter last night and the conversation came up about enjoying certain activities whilst you can before children move in. 

That might sound a bit weird if you didn't catch the conversation but hopefully, when you see my list, you'll understand. 

1) Enjoy going to the toilet in peace.

2) Enjoy showering without an audience.

3) Enjoy lie ins where possible.

4) Enjoy the quietness of the house.

5) Be more spontaneous.

6) Make more time for each other.

7) Go to as many gigs/shows as possible.

8) Declutter.

9) Go to the cinema more.

10) Go out for dinner as much as possible.

11) Spend lots of time with family and friends.

12) Watch as many films that aren't suitable for children as possible.

13) Watch as many TV series that aren't suitable for children as possible.

14) Read everything you can get your hands on.

15) Improve your fitness.

16) Make the most of the house being empty when it comes to getting out of the shower.

17) As above but enjoying each others company... 😉

18) Spend more time in the countryside.

19) Watch the ISS go over more often.

20) Laugh lots.

21) Spend more time in the garden.

22) Go on holiday.

23) Make plans for your last few child free weeks.

24) Think about Christmas and make plans to spend as much of it with family and friends. It may be the last Christmas you can for a while.

25) Work more now so that you don't have to when the children move in.

26) More training with the dogs.

I'm sure that there will be more added to the list over time but i think it's a pretty good list to start from!

The case of the medical and the superhero pants...

Oh my word was that a nightmare!

I booked in no problems. I was told that it would take 45 minutes at most so blocked an hour and half out in my diary.

I got to the surgery early and expected to see a doctor that i had never seen before and i was right. He was lovely but had never done an adoption medical.

This was where the issues started. He went through the pleasantries and said how weird it was that this stuff had to be done for people that were adopting but anyone could have a baby at any point without the slightest batting of an eyelid.

He went through all of the basics of the form and detailed my history before getting to the nitty gritty bit. By this point, i'd already been there for the best part of an hour.

Next came the onslaught of weird test after weird test. I know they were weird because he said, "I haven't done this since medical school!" at least 3 or 4 times.

The weirdest, by far, was when he asked me to flash him. He needed to check the shape of my chest so asked me to stand in front of him and raise my top....if he wasn't a doctor, i would have to call him a pervert.

The most embarrassing part was when he had to check my glands. He explained that you have glands in your next, armpits and groin. Next thing i had to do was drop my pants and get on the bed...again with the 'if he wasn't a doctor' thing.

I dutifully dropped my jeans and got on the bed, completely forgetting that i had wonder woman pants on and didn't remember until i got home. I'm sure he'll remember that if i ever have to see him again!

It came to taking my blood pressure. At this point i have been in with the doctor for an hour and 15 minutes and i'm about to be late for work. Obviously, it's high. Not scary high but much higher than it should be. At this point we agree that we don't have enough time to finish off today so book another appointment for the following week to finish off.

The morning of the appointment, i find out my Mum had been mugged the evening before. I then realised (as i got to the surgery) that i had forgotten to bring any money with me. Bang goes the blood pressure again!!

My blood pressure was much better than the previous week but it was still higher than it should be so although it's not a problem for the form, i have been told to got to see a nurse next month just to get it checked again.

In the meantime i am going to be exercising more and watching what i eat more, i don't want this to turn into a problem that i could and should have prevented.

On a lighter note, the doctor let me take my form there and then so i took it down to the agency straightaway.

Stage One and being a 'lady partner'

It's official!! We're in stage one!!!

We got the confirmation last Thursday and it's been full steam ahead ever since.

Our referees all received their forms and letters on Saturday, they've all started them and they've all asked to have a chat with us about them to give them the information to fill in any blanks.

I have my medical booked and my wife is booking hers in the next couple of days. Her doctors surgery has been a bit of a nightmare!

The receptionist wouldn't book her in until she'd seen the form. Once she saw the form she sent her away because she hadn't yet filled anything in and the woman that knows what to do with it wasn't it. She filled it in and called ahead of going in and spoke to the correct woman. She told her to bring the form in and they'll take it from there.

She went in after work that night and was almost jumped on by the woman in the know! She knew who she was and kept saying, 'Oh it's so lovely, i'm so proud of you!!"  again and again. Then she asked for my form and when she explained that i'm at another doctors she was happy with that. She then turned to the receptionist and said, "oh isn't it lovely, *name* and her lady partner, oh i'm so proud of them!"

Wife left giggling, knowing that i would just love the new term!

Interview

We decided on our our agency! 

We went to our LA's open evening and we both absolutely hated it. There were lots of reasons for it, mainly the fact that they didn't seem like they wanted to offer any additional support post adoption. 

The words 'obligated' and 'obligation' were used easily 40 times in the couple of hours we were there. It really put us off. Our overall impression of them was awful, they seem to treat it like a business and made us feel like we would be queuing up in Argos waiting to see our children. Awful experience.

It was so far from what we want to have that we've said that we really want to move before our 3 years post adoption is up just so we can avoid having to deal with them if the time ever comes.

Anyway, after that we made the definite decision that agency number one is the one for us. They're just better for us, they really are pretty much exactly what we said we wanted and so much more!

We had the self assessment form in a email ready to be filled in so as soon as we got home from the LA meeting, we got straight on it. We decided that we'd send it first thing in the morning just in case someone had left their email on or something daft.

The next morning came and we sent it after having some minor issues with emails on the macbook. A few minutes later though, i realised that it had been sent from an email address that i set up as a teen....a really silly and embarrassing email address. 

After a few emails back and forth I made sure that they had the real email address, much to the amusement of the staff i'm sure! As it turned out, the person who needed to look at the form was on annual leave so we wouldn't hear back until Monday at earliest.

To cut a long story short, Monday came and we booked our phone interview for this morning with a social worker.

The call went really well, she asked us about our childhoods and asked some additional questions about bits on the form. She also told us about workshop dates... we've taken this as a very good sign!!

Just have to wait until next week now to hear back from the manager....we're feeling hopeful though!

The time is now....

For 10 years we've discussed having a family. 10 whole years.

When we were trying to conceive things were frustrating more than anything, constantly having to trust someone else to keep to their word and be reliable so that we might achieve our dream of becoming parents.

This is very different. I'm so excited and looking forward to the end result but suddenly i am very nervous.

We're submitting our application in the next 24 hours and i think that has made it all a little more real than it was last week.

Suddenly we're actually taking real steps towards parenthood.

Suddenly our adoption journey is actually beginning.

We could be less than a year from being Mummy and Mommy.

I'm a big bundle of nervous energy at the minute!

The big reveal!

Last week we decided that the timing was right to tell family and friends that we're starting the adoption process.

It has gone so well! Firstly we told my sister in law and my youngest sister. My sister was a little confused by it all but only really because she didn't really understand why we felt that we had to announce it (in a positive way). She's been doing a few assignments recently at college on fostering and adoption so has a reasonable understanding of what we're entering into and is really happy that she is going to be an aunty in the not to distant future.

My sister in law was SO excited! She's very happy about it and openly offered to help in anyway that she can. Referee number one secured.

Next it was parents. We called my Mum (who doesn't live locally) to tell her and straight away she was very excited. She asked lots of questions which were all sensible questions and even after we put the phone down, she continued to text saying how excited she was and how proud she of us.

Later that evening we visited my mother and father in law and told them. They were both a little more reserved but they are excited. My father in law is very much a 'go with the flow' sort of guy so is happy for us and supportive but until things progress further, he doesn't feel the need to be hands on. He's the same with my sister in laws children so it's not at all surprising.

We both feel like my mother in law has questions but needs to think about them before she asks them but again this is completely normal for her, she likes to process before acting on anything.

Next it was onto some of our best friends and those 'family' members that aren't actually related.

Our best friends were amazing!! Both of them were quite literally jumping up and down with excitement and more than happy to be our referees. We've been around their children and babysat for them from birth so having them say that they'll be our referees is amazing.

Our kids have lots of Uncles and Aunty's and cousins already!

Next it was onto my 'Aunty and Uncle' (the ones that aren't technically related but we've always treated them as family).

My Uncle has always been a bit of a joker and has taken every opportunity to take the mick and try to wind me up in a really lovely playful way but as soon as we told them, he said one of the nicest things he's ever said to me. He said that if something happened to them and it came to it, he would have no worries whatsoever about us raising their children.

When you know someone and your main relationship with them is a joker, take the mick sort of relationship, to hear that it's amazing!

My Aunty was also amazing and spoke about her experience with adopted children through work and really filled us with hope. They're both willing to be our referees too!

Next we told a neighbour who has been a really good friend of ours for the last few years and she was over the moon. She again is willing to be a referee so our referee count is at 3 couples and one single (although our neighbours husband may well be chipping in on it too.)

Overall i am so bloody happy! So many people are so happy for and so willing to do stuff to help us in any way they can. It's very exciting!

Next thing is to make our final decision on an agency or local authority....

Open Evenings...

So last night was the date of what was supposed to be our first open evening but because i've been so keen to crack on with everything, i found another one to go to last week.

We arrived later than we anticipated due to traffic but when we arrived everyone was very friendly and welcoming, they made sure that we had our information packs and had signed in so that they knew who we are and then they sorted us with a drink and a biscuit (bonus!).

Once we sat down, we watched a quick presentation about the agency and generally about fostering and adoption. After that there was a quick introduction to the agencies team and to some members of the adoption team of one of the local authorities near us (we are right on the cusp of one LA and in another so we have options there too) who work in partnership with the agency to try and provide the best possible support.

Once the official bit were talked through, we had a chat with an adopter who has recently gone through the process which again was great.

Lots of information was given to us and every question we could think of was answered. It was great to see the LA and VA working together even though it was only an information night. They were all incredibly relaxed and it was honestly brilliant.

When we left, we were so excited about everything and talked everything through for a good couple of hours. It was inspiring!

Fast forward a week and off we went to another agency for another evening.

Straight away, it just didn't feel the same. We had a talk from a couple of social workers and talked with some new parents which again was very informative and we learnt some new things about the process.

We got another information pack and spoke to some other people at the end. One of the social workers asked us some questions but didn't seem to be too interested in our answers, she even mentioned that she was hoping to still be able to watch her soaps when she got home. Weird thing to say so far as we're concerned.

Anyway, when we left i asked my wife which agency she was feeling best about. She was reluctant to say at first until i said that i didn't know why necessarily but it was definitely the first and she agreed and said that it was because she didn't know why that she was worried about saying something.

We spent much of the evening discussing it again and asking twitter what they thought and decided that our gut instinct is the best tool we have so to go with it.

Now for one more open evening with the LA who's boundaries we live within during fostering and adoption week and we'll be going for stage one!!

Let's get this thing started!

*waves*

Hi everyone!

I'm a 20 something living in the UK and one half of a lesbian couple. I've been with my wife for more than 10 years now and for the last 3 years we've been really focussed on starting a family.

We've always agreed on having a reasonably large family. Initially we said that we'd like to have a child each and adopt siblings but since then, i have had some issues that prevent me from ovulating and therefore i'll need additional help to conceive. We decided that it would be best if my wife were the one to carry but still have a couple of children.

To cut a long story short, we've been trying to conceive with a known donor for 2 and a half years. We had a miscarriage in 2012 that damn near broke our hearts but other than that we haven't managed to get there yet. We've been for tests at the hospital and everything is normal.

We both feel ready to be parents and because of that we don't want to have to wait another couple of years before we take more steps towards it so now feels like a good time to start the adoption process.

We having registered our interest with a local adoption charity in our area and have booked in for an open evening of sorts on February 13th. We're really looking forward to it and really hoping that we can get the process started as soon as possible.

Stay tuned for updates!