We attended our second workshop as part of stage one yesterday and i felt the need to blog about it.
The first briefly covered loss and grief, contact, becoming part of a minority group and legal issues. This was very informative and we both came away having learnt more than we were expecting and both had a different perspective of things from the childs point of view.
This week we attended the workshop dealing with child development, attachment, abuse and trauma and parenting, healing and hope.
This was a different kettle of fish. The abuse and trauma sections really had an impact on me to the point where i was exhausted by the time we got home and it wasn't even 8pm. I think it's completely normal to be in a situation where you're thinking about abuse and its effects (affects?!? i never know the difference) for it to have that sort of impact. It was mentally draining.
Whilst we were talking about abuse we had to give examples of neglect, emotional, sexual and physical abuse and domestic violence. All of that was fine and completely understandable but a couple of things that were said proved to be very controversial in the room.
When we were discussing emotional abuse, someone said that post natal depression was a form of abuse. Quite a few of us were shocked that it came up in that context without explanation and one woman spoke up. She was very unhappy with it being classed as abuse and gave examples of friends who would have been mortified to hear the same thing after going through it themselves.
I completely agreed with her. I personally don't think that PND is abusive. I think the repercussions of it can be in certain circumstances but this wasn't considered until it was challenged.
The next thing that was difficult was discussing sexual abuse. This is never going to be an easy subject for anyone to discuss, we all know that it happens and what it entails but to sit and talk about the technicalities and exactly what goes on is a whole other ball game.
So far this has been the only thing that has made me uncomfortable. It sounds daft as a grown adult but sex has never been something that has been discussed in my family (apart from the time that my Granny had a serious water infection and was convinced that the doctors were trying to have sex with her!) and to discuss it out in the open like that was weird. I know that makes me sound immature but even now, sex is a taboo subject with my lot.
We've been having lots of discussions about the sorts of children we feel that we'd be able to adopt and we've both said that we don't feel as though we have the right skills to be able to raise a child who has been sexually abused. The social workers made a point of basically saying that we can't say no to sexual abuse because they can't possible know everything before a child is placed.
This bothered us both again because if something came up then we would find a way to deal with it whilst keeping our children's best interests at heart but neither of us feel comfortable with taking on a child who is known to have experienced sexual abuse.
All in all, yesterday was tiring!
Thursday, 15 May 2014
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
The worries
At this moment in time, we are throwing ourselves pretty much completely into the unknown. We don't know what stage 2 is going to reveal, we don't know how we're going to react to any of it and we certainly don't know what our social worker thinks of us.
Most of it, we're pretty confident about dealing with, however, there are little things that i keep thinking about and over analysing.
My upbringing was not great. After speaking with my Mum about things recently, we're both pretty convinced that if it was now, i probably would have ended up in care. Mainly down to my Mum's ex and the abuse we all suffered as a family thanks to him but my Mum being bipolar really wouldn't have helped matters.
Is that going to go against us? Is the fact that my Mum and I get on really well now even though lots of stuff happened back then and she (from the outside) did nothing to prevent it? What if they decided that my wife's upbringing was too straight forward? What if that's all fine but they think that we're completely irresponsible now?
A few nights ago, I dreamt that we got to panel and were declined because of my hairstyle. They saw it as being something that showed that i was immature. They then banned us from ever applying again.
The week before that, i suddenly thought about my tattoos. Now i don't have lots of really OTT crazy tattoos but i do have a few and one that has a huge amount of meaning behind it is on my forearm. What if we get through this whole process, we're approved, matched and go to meet our children with everything being fine. Once we get there, what happens if my tattoos set something off with them and they instantly distrust me?
I know these are only little things but they're still there and they're very much real.
Most of it, we're pretty confident about dealing with, however, there are little things that i keep thinking about and over analysing.
My upbringing was not great. After speaking with my Mum about things recently, we're both pretty convinced that if it was now, i probably would have ended up in care. Mainly down to my Mum's ex and the abuse we all suffered as a family thanks to him but my Mum being bipolar really wouldn't have helped matters.
Is that going to go against us? Is the fact that my Mum and I get on really well now even though lots of stuff happened back then and she (from the outside) did nothing to prevent it? What if they decided that my wife's upbringing was too straight forward? What if that's all fine but they think that we're completely irresponsible now?
A few nights ago, I dreamt that we got to panel and were declined because of my hairstyle. They saw it as being something that showed that i was immature. They then banned us from ever applying again.
The week before that, i suddenly thought about my tattoos. Now i don't have lots of really OTT crazy tattoos but i do have a few and one that has a huge amount of meaning behind it is on my forearm. What if we get through this whole process, we're approved, matched and go to meet our children with everything being fine. Once we get there, what happens if my tattoos set something off with them and they instantly distrust me?
I know these are only little things but they're still there and they're very much real.
Thursday, 1 May 2014
If you follow me on twitter, you'll know that i have been cracking one with my stage one homework recently and it's been going well.
We had our first visit from our stage one social worker this week so that she could help with/ask about our homework. She was pleased with our progress and was keen to talk about some of the bits that seemed a little silly etc.
One of the pieces of homework is for us to do our 'eco map'. This is basically a list of people and organisations who will be there to help with support etc when any children come to live with you. She mentioned that we shouldn't forget things like CAMHS and the agency as well as friends and family.
I mentioned that we'd listed twitter as a good source of support and she was very intrigued. I explained that i'd set up a new user and had linked up with lots of other people who are going through the process and have adopted and she was quite impressed.
So far in this journey, twitter has been incredible. the support and advice we've received has been second to none! The blogs we've connected with are brilliant, they're honest and informative in a way that we haven't experienced with the process yet. I'm so happy that i decided to set up a new user for this, it really is the best decision (other than which agency to go with) we've made to date.
When we were trying to conceive, we dabbled into the pregnancy and baby blogs and following people on twitter but were pretty much blanked. It felt like being the fat kid at school getting picked last for football, i was an outsider and boy did i know it.
The adoption gang has been the complete opposite and i'm so happy about it. I'm hoping to connect with more people over time, offer support where i can and have somewhere to turn when we need it.
Tuesday, 29 April 2014
Age
That may seem like a weird title to a blog post but since we started the process, age is something that has come up more and more.
Everyone we've told that we're hoping to adopt has asked about the age of the children we're interested in and when we say that we're thinking of up to the age of 7, theres 2 responses. The first is, "Oh but wouldn't you just prefer a baby??" and the other is, "But why 7?"
The first is a little annoying at worst but we explain that a baby isn't the be all and end all of parenting and they get it.
The second is a little more to do with our age. I'm still in my (late) 20s and my wife is only just in her 30s. If we had a child that was older, we're worried that they would feel even more out of place initially and then struggle more with attachment etc because of it.
Plus, if we turn up to school with a 10 year old, there'll be even more questions than there will have been anyway. The playground can be a very cliquey place anyway, we just don't want to add extra strain especially for a child that has been through the mill already. I'm not saying that this sort of stuff won't be an issue with a slightly younger child but i'm hoping it won't be as much of an issue.
Staying on the subject of our age, i feel young! The adoption circles seem to be mainly populated by people who are 35+ and each time i talk to people or see people at our agency, i'm feeling very aware of the fact that i'm a 20 something still.
Our agency haven't mentioned it at all and the fact that we've been together for over 10 years helps a lot but i'm still very aware of it. I'm hoping our maturity helps too, we've both been described as 'wiser than our years' since we were small.
I'm not sure whether being younger is going to go in our favour or not but i hope it does. After all, age isn't everything.
Everyone we've told that we're hoping to adopt has asked about the age of the children we're interested in and when we say that we're thinking of up to the age of 7, theres 2 responses. The first is, "Oh but wouldn't you just prefer a baby??" and the other is, "But why 7?"
The first is a little annoying at worst but we explain that a baby isn't the be all and end all of parenting and they get it.
The second is a little more to do with our age. I'm still in my (late) 20s and my wife is only just in her 30s. If we had a child that was older, we're worried that they would feel even more out of place initially and then struggle more with attachment etc because of it.
Plus, if we turn up to school with a 10 year old, there'll be even more questions than there will have been anyway. The playground can be a very cliquey place anyway, we just don't want to add extra strain especially for a child that has been through the mill already. I'm not saying that this sort of stuff won't be an issue with a slightly younger child but i'm hoping it won't be as much of an issue.
Staying on the subject of our age, i feel young! The adoption circles seem to be mainly populated by people who are 35+ and each time i talk to people or see people at our agency, i'm feeling very aware of the fact that i'm a 20 something still.
Our agency haven't mentioned it at all and the fact that we've been together for over 10 years helps a lot but i'm still very aware of it. I'm hoping our maturity helps too, we've both been described as 'wiser than our years' since we were small.
I'm not sure whether being younger is going to go in our favour or not but i hope it does. After all, age isn't everything.
Tuesday, 22 April 2014
My Pre Adoption Bucket list...
I was on twitter last night and the conversation came up about enjoying certain activities whilst you can before children move in.
That might sound a bit weird if you didn't catch the conversation but hopefully, when you see my list, you'll understand.
1) Enjoy going to the toilet in peace.
2) Enjoy showering without an audience.
3) Enjoy lie ins where possible.
4) Enjoy the quietness of the house.
5) Be more spontaneous.
6) Make more time for each other.
7) Go to as many gigs/shows as possible.
8) Declutter.
9) Go to the cinema more.
10) Go out for dinner as much as possible.
11) Spend lots of time with family and friends.
12) Watch as many films that aren't suitable for children as possible.
13) Watch as many TV series that aren't suitable for children as possible.
14) Read everything you can get your hands on.
15) Improve your fitness.
16) Make the most of the house being empty when it comes to getting out of the shower.
17) As above but enjoying each others company... 😉
18) Spend more time in the countryside.
19) Watch the ISS go over more often.
20) Laugh lots.
21) Spend more time in the garden.
22) Go on holiday.
23) Make plans for your last few child free weeks.
24) Think about Christmas and make plans to spend as much of it with family and friends. It may be the last Christmas you can for a while.
25) Work more now so that you don't have to when the children move in.
26) More training with the dogs.
I'm sure that there will be more added to the list over time but i think it's a pretty good list to start from!
Saturday, 19 April 2014
The case of the medical and the superhero pants...
Oh my word was that a nightmare!
I booked in no problems. I was told that it would take 45 minutes at most so blocked an hour and half out in my diary.
I got to the surgery early and expected to see a doctor that i had never seen before and i was right. He was lovely but had never done an adoption medical.
This was where the issues started. He went through the pleasantries and said how weird it was that this stuff had to be done for people that were adopting but anyone could have a baby at any point without the slightest batting of an eyelid.
He went through all of the basics of the form and detailed my history before getting to the nitty gritty bit. By this point, i'd already been there for the best part of an hour.
Next came the onslaught of weird test after weird test. I know they were weird because he said, "I haven't done this since medical school!" at least 3 or 4 times.
The weirdest, by far, was when he asked me to flash him. He needed to check the shape of my chest so asked me to stand in front of him and raise my top....if he wasn't a doctor, i would have to call him a pervert.
The most embarrassing part was when he had to check my glands. He explained that you have glands in your next, armpits and groin. Next thing i had to do was drop my pants and get on the bed...again with the 'if he wasn't a doctor' thing.
I dutifully dropped my jeans and got on the bed, completely forgetting that i had wonder woman pants on and didn't remember until i got home. I'm sure he'll remember that if i ever have to see him again!
It came to taking my blood pressure. At this point i have been in with the doctor for an hour and 15 minutes and i'm about to be late for work. Obviously, it's high. Not scary high but much higher than it should be. At this point we agree that we don't have enough time to finish off today so book another appointment for the following week to finish off.
The morning of the appointment, i find out my Mum had been mugged the evening before. I then realised (as i got to the surgery) that i had forgotten to bring any money with me. Bang goes the blood pressure again!!
My blood pressure was much better than the previous week but it was still higher than it should be so although it's not a problem for the form, i have been told to got to see a nurse next month just to get it checked again.
In the meantime i am going to be exercising more and watching what i eat more, i don't want this to turn into a problem that i could and should have prevented.
On a lighter note, the doctor let me take my form there and then so i took it down to the agency straightaway.
I booked in no problems. I was told that it would take 45 minutes at most so blocked an hour and half out in my diary.
I got to the surgery early and expected to see a doctor that i had never seen before and i was right. He was lovely but had never done an adoption medical.
This was where the issues started. He went through the pleasantries and said how weird it was that this stuff had to be done for people that were adopting but anyone could have a baby at any point without the slightest batting of an eyelid.
He went through all of the basics of the form and detailed my history before getting to the nitty gritty bit. By this point, i'd already been there for the best part of an hour.
Next came the onslaught of weird test after weird test. I know they were weird because he said, "I haven't done this since medical school!" at least 3 or 4 times.
The weirdest, by far, was when he asked me to flash him. He needed to check the shape of my chest so asked me to stand in front of him and raise my top....if he wasn't a doctor, i would have to call him a pervert.
The most embarrassing part was when he had to check my glands. He explained that you have glands in your next, armpits and groin. Next thing i had to do was drop my pants and get on the bed...again with the 'if he wasn't a doctor' thing.
I dutifully dropped my jeans and got on the bed, completely forgetting that i had wonder woman pants on and didn't remember until i got home. I'm sure he'll remember that if i ever have to see him again!
It came to taking my blood pressure. At this point i have been in with the doctor for an hour and 15 minutes and i'm about to be late for work. Obviously, it's high. Not scary high but much higher than it should be. At this point we agree that we don't have enough time to finish off today so book another appointment for the following week to finish off.
The morning of the appointment, i find out my Mum had been mugged the evening before. I then realised (as i got to the surgery) that i had forgotten to bring any money with me. Bang goes the blood pressure again!!
My blood pressure was much better than the previous week but it was still higher than it should be so although it's not a problem for the form, i have been told to got to see a nurse next month just to get it checked again.
In the meantime i am going to be exercising more and watching what i eat more, i don't want this to turn into a problem that i could and should have prevented.
On a lighter note, the doctor let me take my form there and then so i took it down to the agency straightaway.
Tuesday, 8 April 2014
Stage One and being a 'lady partner'
It's official!! We're in stage one!!!
We got the confirmation last Thursday and it's been full steam ahead ever since.
Our referees all received their forms and letters on Saturday, they've all started them and they've all asked to have a chat with us about them to give them the information to fill in any blanks.
I have my medical booked and my wife is booking hers in the next couple of days. Her doctors surgery has been a bit of a nightmare!
The receptionist wouldn't book her in until she'd seen the form. Once she saw the form she sent her away because she hadn't yet filled anything in and the woman that knows what to do with it wasn't it. She filled it in and called ahead of going in and spoke to the correct woman. She told her to bring the form in and they'll take it from there.
She went in after work that night and was almost jumped on by the woman in the know! She knew who she was and kept saying, 'Oh it's so lovely, i'm so proud of you!!" again and again. Then she asked for my form and when she explained that i'm at another doctors she was happy with that. She then turned to the receptionist and said, "oh isn't it lovely, *name* and her lady partner, oh i'm so proud of them!"
Wife left giggling, knowing that i would just love the new term!
We got the confirmation last Thursday and it's been full steam ahead ever since.
Our referees all received their forms and letters on Saturday, they've all started them and they've all asked to have a chat with us about them to give them the information to fill in any blanks.
I have my medical booked and my wife is booking hers in the next couple of days. Her doctors surgery has been a bit of a nightmare!
The receptionist wouldn't book her in until she'd seen the form. Once she saw the form she sent her away because she hadn't yet filled anything in and the woman that knows what to do with it wasn't it. She filled it in and called ahead of going in and spoke to the correct woman. She told her to bring the form in and they'll take it from there.
She went in after work that night and was almost jumped on by the woman in the know! She knew who she was and kept saying, 'Oh it's so lovely, i'm so proud of you!!" again and again. Then she asked for my form and when she explained that i'm at another doctors she was happy with that. She then turned to the receptionist and said, "oh isn't it lovely, *name* and her lady partner, oh i'm so proud of them!"
Wife left giggling, knowing that i would just love the new term!
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