How the hell has that happened!? Goodness knows.
It's been tough but i figured that i'd do a top tips and things we've come to realise sort of blog.
Ask the foster carer(s) every single question you can think of. Foster carers know more than most of the other professionals involved but don't necessarily know what you want or need to know. Our LOs FCs were great but were surprised at how many questions we asked. They've been foster carers for over 20 years but have never been asked so many questions.
You will be blamed for everything the kids have been through. They don't realise and in some cases won't intend to but each time they realise that something was off or start coming to terms with something that happened with BPs, you will be blamed in every way a person can be.
CPRs have only half of what you need to know in them. Ours are horrendous. Things that happened that are extreme are no where to be seen. So much information missing and potentially (although we have no way of proving it) some lies from Voldemort.
You will have to fight for support. Do not rely on the kids social worker to inform other people involved, Voldemort didn't and as a result we really had to fight and if it wasn't for the support of our agency i really don't think we would have had any support yet.
Adopting is work. All day everyday you will work your arse off and the chances are it won't feel like you're making any progress for a long long time. We're just starting to see some steps forward now and that is quick.
Please, please, please choose your agency carefully. Our agency are always going above and beyond to ensure that we have everything we need. We've come so close to disrupting in the last couple of months and they've saved our arses over and over again, i can not stress that enough.
Talk to and keep in touch with as many adopters as you can. Friends, family, teachers etc may get it but they aren't living it day in day out and the only people who truly appreciate what it takes are other adopters.
School can make all of the difference. Our school is amazing, they respect us, our ideas and our parenting style. They never question us and are always keeping us up to date with what's happening with both of our kids. They don't pressure the kids and are constantly readjusting what they already know.
This is only really brief, i could go on for hours but i think these are the key points.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Tuesday, 15 September 2015
Sunday, 26 July 2015
Food For Thought
Our children came to us with no known food issues. There was never any indication that they had ever been without food, i'd even go as far to say as there seemed to be too much.
Shortly after they moved in Little started eating toothpaste and alarm bells started ringing. We soon realised that neither of them would chew their food and that if there was food around, neither of them could relax. We began to think that they had definitely not been fed consistently especially after Big started eyeing up the scraps after having eaten a huge Sunday Dinner. We went to a party with your standard buffet food and before long they were stealing stuff constantly.
We mentioned our concerns to our social worker and Voldemort but it was only our social worker that showed any sort of concern. Eventually our SW decided to tell Voldemort that she believes that the children had had lots of food for a very limited time then had to go without for days/weeks on end. Voldemort then responds with, "yeah, that's exactly how it was." Nothing is mentioned in the CPRs at all.
This was when we decided to go behind Voldermorts back and try something that our agency had told us about all through our training.
Basically, we got a small cool bag (the sort you'd have for an individual picnic) and took the kids to the supermarket and allowed them to choose things that didn't need cooking, no sweets, no chocolate and no crisps. Once we got home we filled the bags as full as we possibly could by taking everything out of the wrappers and explained to them both that this is their food. They don't share anything, swap anything, the don't need to ask to have it, they can have as much or as little as they want at any given time. From that moment on we ignored the existence of the box until it needed refilling.
The first day, Big sat and ate for almost 3 hours solid after having a normal lunch. It didn't take long before the sick bucket came out and the nausea started. 5 minutes with their head in the bucket and it was back to eating without having thrown up. This 5 minutes on, 5 minutes off cycle for the next hour or so. Then it was time for dinner. Big's face was a picture, the thought of having to eat a full meal seemed to scare them!!
We encouraged them both to eat their meals normally saying things like, "we're a bit worried because you've not eaten much today" etc. We told school all about it when they went back (the box stayed at home and was only available whilst they were home) the next day and explained why we were doing it. They were incredibly supportive.
Little started to get bored of it first but we always knew that it would work that way. After about 5 days it was only at night that they would want it out and it would only last a few minutes.
Big took about an extra week. We realised that it was only last thing at night and first thing in the morning that they would want it so we started saying that we'll see them in the morning for breakfast whilst we were wishing them goodnight. The very next night Big announced that they didn't want it tonight and gave it to Wife to take downstairs. We were in total shock.
We then took some advice from our agency about how to remove it. We didn't want to phase it out because the theory was that it was always full but we didn't want to surprise them with it not being there. We were advised to talk to them about how they don't seem to want it at the minute so we're going to put it away and if it feels too strange then we can always bring it back.
We did that on Thursday which was day 19 and so far neither of them have been too bothered. Big has been a little anxious about where it is but hasn't wanted it.
It's been a bit of a rollercoaster, the initial few days really got to us both. Absolutely no idea how they didn't throw up after eating for so long, seeing them doing it made us both feel so ill. We got so angry with it but it wasn't anger aimed at the kids, for the first time since they came home it was anger at their BPs.
At one point Big had left the lid open and because the food had got warm, some stuff had started to go furry. Big wasn't bothered, they were sat in bed with both hands full of food eating without thinking about what it was. They were pretty much forgetting to breathe and only gasping for air every minute or so. What the hell happened for them to want to do that?!
We're much better off for it, the kids have responded really well and are hopeful going to continue and if not, we'll just bring it out again.
Shortly after they moved in Little started eating toothpaste and alarm bells started ringing. We soon realised that neither of them would chew their food and that if there was food around, neither of them could relax. We began to think that they had definitely not been fed consistently especially after Big started eyeing up the scraps after having eaten a huge Sunday Dinner. We went to a party with your standard buffet food and before long they were stealing stuff constantly.
We mentioned our concerns to our social worker and Voldemort but it was only our social worker that showed any sort of concern. Eventually our SW decided to tell Voldemort that she believes that the children had had lots of food for a very limited time then had to go without for days/weeks on end. Voldemort then responds with, "yeah, that's exactly how it was." Nothing is mentioned in the CPRs at all.
This was when we decided to go behind Voldermorts back and try something that our agency had told us about all through our training.
Basically, we got a small cool bag (the sort you'd have for an individual picnic) and took the kids to the supermarket and allowed them to choose things that didn't need cooking, no sweets, no chocolate and no crisps. Once we got home we filled the bags as full as we possibly could by taking everything out of the wrappers and explained to them both that this is their food. They don't share anything, swap anything, the don't need to ask to have it, they can have as much or as little as they want at any given time. From that moment on we ignored the existence of the box until it needed refilling.
The first day, Big sat and ate for almost 3 hours solid after having a normal lunch. It didn't take long before the sick bucket came out and the nausea started. 5 minutes with their head in the bucket and it was back to eating without having thrown up. This 5 minutes on, 5 minutes off cycle for the next hour or so. Then it was time for dinner. Big's face was a picture, the thought of having to eat a full meal seemed to scare them!!
We encouraged them both to eat their meals normally saying things like, "we're a bit worried because you've not eaten much today" etc. We told school all about it when they went back (the box stayed at home and was only available whilst they were home) the next day and explained why we were doing it. They were incredibly supportive.
Little started to get bored of it first but we always knew that it would work that way. After about 5 days it was only at night that they would want it out and it would only last a few minutes.
Big took about an extra week. We realised that it was only last thing at night and first thing in the morning that they would want it so we started saying that we'll see them in the morning for breakfast whilst we were wishing them goodnight. The very next night Big announced that they didn't want it tonight and gave it to Wife to take downstairs. We were in total shock.
We then took some advice from our agency about how to remove it. We didn't want to phase it out because the theory was that it was always full but we didn't want to surprise them with it not being there. We were advised to talk to them about how they don't seem to want it at the minute so we're going to put it away and if it feels too strange then we can always bring it back.
We did that on Thursday which was day 19 and so far neither of them have been too bothered. Big has been a little anxious about where it is but hasn't wanted it.
It's been a bit of a rollercoaster, the initial few days really got to us both. Absolutely no idea how they didn't throw up after eating for so long, seeing them doing it made us both feel so ill. We got so angry with it but it wasn't anger aimed at the kids, for the first time since they came home it was anger at their BPs.
At one point Big had left the lid open and because the food had got warm, some stuff had started to go furry. Big wasn't bothered, they were sat in bed with both hands full of food eating without thinking about what it was. They were pretty much forgetting to breathe and only gasping for air every minute or so. What the hell happened for them to want to do that?!
We're much better off for it, the kids have responded really well and are hopeful going to continue and if not, we'll just bring it out again.
Saturday, 4 July 2015
Fighting for Support
Last week our social worker made an official request for theraplay for us as a family. To say that the LA were shocked would be an understatement. Apparently, (despite our social worker updating all involved after every meeting and message with or from us) there is absolutely no need for it and it was an absolute no.
After receiving that email our social worker decided that the best thing to do would be to call them and have a chat about it all. From what our social worker told us, it descended into absolute chaos almost immediately. The therapeutic support woman repeatedly spoke over her, wouldn't let her explain our side and said that there was absolutely no reason to believe that Big and Little need any sort of additional support at this time. Our SW said that when she put the phone down, she actually screamed.
Fast forward to this week and the manager of our agency rings up the LA and demands a professionals meeting after having a phone call from the TS woman's manager. That meeting happened on Thursday just before the LAC review.
We were asked to attend after things had been discussed. When we got there it had been decided that the way forwards is to assess the children's attachment type with each of us and either get us to work on what we already have to develop it further or to help us gain new skills that will help us to help them and make it easier for us all overall. That then has the potential to follow on to theraplay. They are also going to do some direct work with Big and Little on life story work, personal space, road sense and stranger danger.
The TS manager has said that she will send us details of some courses that offer a very practical approach to parenting traumatised children.
It all sounds good, if nothing else we are actually being acknowledged. If it wasn't for our agency, i'm not sure how we would have got to this point, they are fighting for us every step of the way.
During the meeting it was noted that Big and Little's social worker wasn't paying attention. In fact, she was looking out of the window and writing a report about something different all together. How the hell can we be expected to work with someone like that??
When we arrived we were told about everything and then we were handed life story books to have a quick look through now and take home. I went through about 10 pages of Big's and pointed out mistakes on each page. Now i have a memory for dates and ages so when it said that BM was x years old when Big was born and i know that she wasn't i flagged it up. Voldemort (as she's more commonly known) instantly snapped "It's right, i worked it out." i held my tongue as much as i could and reasonably quickly responded with, "Well you didn't work it out very well because it's wrong." And you know what, it is!! stupid woman. After that TS said that they would send the originals through on email for us to edit and send back so that they could re print and laminate everything for us.
The LAC review went well, the thing that made us both really happy was how amazing school are. Every single thing we've been telling and have told the LA school then said without prompt or knowing that we'd said it. Our SW is amazed by how fantastic school is. They know what they're doing, they know their stuff and they are doing everything they can to get what they need to help our children thrive.
When we got home that evening we looked at the later life letters and realised that there's at least 1 significant mistake in there and there's definite information missing.
The following evening i started looking through the LSBs to edit them....in short, they are shit. 104 pages between them and 62 pages edited. Some of the main reasons for removal and half of the story are missing. These are documents that have apparently been checked over by multiple professionals that know Big and Little's history. Quite frankly it's disgusting and as a result we've decided to do it ourselves and we will be sending an email detailing our reasoning behind it and slating the LA.
Since the LAC review, Big and Little have been absolutely awful. This is the worst few days for a while now and i am completely and utterly sick of being a Mum tonight. I miss being relaxed, i miss the woman that shouted probably once every 3 or 4 months. I miss quality time with my Wife. I know it'll pass but right now i'm just completely fed up of the stress of having to deal with an entire organisation who refuse to do their jobs unless you pull out the big guns.
After receiving that email our social worker decided that the best thing to do would be to call them and have a chat about it all. From what our social worker told us, it descended into absolute chaos almost immediately. The therapeutic support woman repeatedly spoke over her, wouldn't let her explain our side and said that there was absolutely no reason to believe that Big and Little need any sort of additional support at this time. Our SW said that when she put the phone down, she actually screamed.
Fast forward to this week and the manager of our agency rings up the LA and demands a professionals meeting after having a phone call from the TS woman's manager. That meeting happened on Thursday just before the LAC review.
We were asked to attend after things had been discussed. When we got there it had been decided that the way forwards is to assess the children's attachment type with each of us and either get us to work on what we already have to develop it further or to help us gain new skills that will help us to help them and make it easier for us all overall. That then has the potential to follow on to theraplay. They are also going to do some direct work with Big and Little on life story work, personal space, road sense and stranger danger.
The TS manager has said that she will send us details of some courses that offer a very practical approach to parenting traumatised children.
It all sounds good, if nothing else we are actually being acknowledged. If it wasn't for our agency, i'm not sure how we would have got to this point, they are fighting for us every step of the way.
During the meeting it was noted that Big and Little's social worker wasn't paying attention. In fact, she was looking out of the window and writing a report about something different all together. How the hell can we be expected to work with someone like that??
When we arrived we were told about everything and then we were handed life story books to have a quick look through now and take home. I went through about 10 pages of Big's and pointed out mistakes on each page. Now i have a memory for dates and ages so when it said that BM was x years old when Big was born and i know that she wasn't i flagged it up. Voldemort (as she's more commonly known) instantly snapped "It's right, i worked it out." i held my tongue as much as i could and reasonably quickly responded with, "Well you didn't work it out very well because it's wrong." And you know what, it is!! stupid woman. After that TS said that they would send the originals through on email for us to edit and send back so that they could re print and laminate everything for us.
The LAC review went well, the thing that made us both really happy was how amazing school are. Every single thing we've been telling and have told the LA school then said without prompt or knowing that we'd said it. Our SW is amazed by how fantastic school is. They know what they're doing, they know their stuff and they are doing everything they can to get what they need to help our children thrive.
When we got home that evening we looked at the later life letters and realised that there's at least 1 significant mistake in there and there's definite information missing.
The following evening i started looking through the LSBs to edit them....in short, they are shit. 104 pages between them and 62 pages edited. Some of the main reasons for removal and half of the story are missing. These are documents that have apparently been checked over by multiple professionals that know Big and Little's history. Quite frankly it's disgusting and as a result we've decided to do it ourselves and we will be sending an email detailing our reasoning behind it and slating the LA.
Since the LAC review, Big and Little have been absolutely awful. This is the worst few days for a while now and i am completely and utterly sick of being a Mum tonight. I miss being relaxed, i miss the woman that shouted probably once every 3 or 4 months. I miss quality time with my Wife. I know it'll pass but right now i'm just completely fed up of the stress of having to deal with an entire organisation who refuse to do their jobs unless you pull out the big guns.
Monday, 22 June 2015
Moments of beauty
In the last few days and weeks we've been getting more and more really positive signs of a growing attachment/desire to be close and some trust with both of our children and i want to share some with you guys.
Whilst walking them both to school the other day, Little asked for my hand and looked at my when i gave it to them and said, 'you've got a son/daughter* on your hand" and smiled.
Big has started having really long and beautiful cuddles where they really snuggle in to us.
Both children are searching for us frantically if we're not immediately where they think we are.
Big is asking for more and more cuddles and kisses and makes sure they get plenty in with both of us each day and will get upset if we haven't had enough that day.
Little has started completely rejecting anyone but us for comfort in their time of need. Wife's BIL went to them twice in the same day recently and Little ran to find us and clung on for dear life.
We're getting disclosures more and more from Big. We had a 5 minute long very intense, very descriptive group of disclosures a few days ago that kind of knocked us for six.
They both search for us and look to us for reassurance in new situations. Big goes as far as coming back to us repeatedly.
They seem to be far more relaxed. This probably sounds weird but they do, something has changed with them both and they aren't so anxious all of the time, they're more happy to know that this is what we're doing right now and we're not having to constantly tell them what we'll be doing next.
When we're out somewhere, they both ask to go back to our house. Little even announced the other day that "our home is over that way". Neither of them have ever said home before.
During every cuddle, Little will stroke/pat us in the way that we do to them. Big is starting it but not in the same way just yet.
*Little didn't say son/daughter, they only said the one that they are.
Whilst walking them both to school the other day, Little asked for my hand and looked at my when i gave it to them and said, 'you've got a son/daughter* on your hand" and smiled.
Big has started having really long and beautiful cuddles where they really snuggle in to us.
Both children are searching for us frantically if we're not immediately where they think we are.
Big is asking for more and more cuddles and kisses and makes sure they get plenty in with both of us each day and will get upset if we haven't had enough that day.
Little has started completely rejecting anyone but us for comfort in their time of need. Wife's BIL went to them twice in the same day recently and Little ran to find us and clung on for dear life.
We're getting disclosures more and more from Big. We had a 5 minute long very intense, very descriptive group of disclosures a few days ago that kind of knocked us for six.
They both search for us and look to us for reassurance in new situations. Big goes as far as coming back to us repeatedly.
They seem to be far more relaxed. This probably sounds weird but they do, something has changed with them both and they aren't so anxious all of the time, they're more happy to know that this is what we're doing right now and we're not having to constantly tell them what we'll be doing next.
When we're out somewhere, they both ask to go back to our house. Little even announced the other day that "our home is over that way". Neither of them have ever said home before.
During every cuddle, Little will stroke/pat us in the way that we do to them. Big is starting it but not in the same way just yet.
*Little didn't say son/daughter, they only said the one that they are.
Monday, 13 April 2015
Intros and those first few weeks of being a family
I completely and utterly forgot that i blogged on the morning of intros! Anyway, here's a quick overview of our life for the last month or so.
The first day of intros was...awkward. Wife had a serious case of food poisoning which had her up vomiting from 2am, as we were about to leave, the other end started. It was awful! She felt so rubbish all day and all Big and Little wanted to do was run and bounce on the trampoline.
When we walked into the foster carers Big and Little were there and just stared at us. Big came to me and Little to Wife, we sat on the sofa and both of them stared at us. Big kept looking me right in the eyes and smiling their little head off. Later that day, Big told me that they had been dreaming of me, absolutely melted my heart!
Foster carer was great from the get go, no awkwardness with us and let us get on with it. We got a great family photo done at the park that is strange to look at now, it's almost as if none of us look like the same people.
Overall introductions were very successful. Neither of us felt like we'd "gone through" introductions if that makes sense? It was all going very, very smoothly and we were all very happy. By day 3 i started to feel the big L and was getting incredibly emotional. Wife wasn't there at all at that point, she likes them very much but not there with anything else.
Both Big and Little were getting very confused with all the back and forth business, we kept saying that this was their forever home but you can't stay here today and that just didn't make sense to them. We had to do lots of reassurance over the 8 days and made sure that they knew exactly when we would be there etc and that helped so much.
The worst thing about intros was actually Big and Little's goodbye party. We just felt so out of place, neither B or L were really that bothered about us for the most part because so much was going on. People kept telling us how lucky they are (infuriating!!) and how we don't even know what's about to hit us etc etc. Lots of needless small talk that just isn't really relevant to us or adoption in general and people thinking they know all about parenting a traumatised child because their great uncles second cousins nephew was adopted in 1753.
Forever family day arrived at the right time, we were all fed up of the endless driving and going back and forth all the time. We picked them up and said a very quick goodbye to the foster carer and got in the car. I was fine until the foster carer hugged me and i collapsed in a flood of tears. Wife decided to drive so i could gather myself but the whole exchange only lasted about 3 or 4 minutes, it was just so intense and i really felt like i was severing a limb or something. Very strange feeling knowing that you can't just ask that question or be reassured by that nod from the other side of the room suddenly. We have kept in touch and plan to do so in the future, they have made such a difference to B&L's lives, the change in them is phenomenal, they're barely recognisable as the same children who went into care.
The drive home was very quiet, neither B or L spoke much at all until B broke down about 20 minutes from home. We decided that the best thing we could do was to reassure them and i decided to hold their hand and stroke it from the front. It seemed to work and they calmed down and just sat holding my hand for ages afterwards.
Each day we have a thing that has to be done for Big. Big does not like it but it has to be done. Doing this on forever family day is where our wonderfully happy family dynamic started to crack apart big time. It was also the first time i was punched by my child, it was hell and it really did show us exactly how things were going to be from that point on.
Over the next week, things got worse and worse. Big hit, kicked, punched, spat, screamed, shouted, shoved, strangled, pinched, you name it really and Big did it. Going in the car was filling us with dread, it was becoming dangerous within 5 minutes of getting in the car and we were stopping, we just didn't know what to do for the best.
We turned to our trusty Twitter community and our social worker. Lots of people suggested getting an mp3 player each so that they were distracted in the car and not focussing on each other and that has honestly worked wonders!!! The first day we tried it, we managed car journeys plus shopping for 2 hours and 41 minutes without incident. We were completely over the moon!!
Behaviour at home was getting worse and worse and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse...their social worker came for a visit. On the day they were both fine but the following day was WWIII in the AM household. We had 7 hours of pretty much solid violence coming in a new wave every 10-15 minutes. It was unbearable and we just didn't know what to do. We were on damage control whilst trying to make sure that no one was getting hurt. I'm fortunate that i don't bruise because if i did, i would have had black eyes and multiple big bruises on my face, arms, legs, stomach, back, neck. Pretty much everything has come at me, very little of it has been directed at Wife. It was like going in to the hunger games and hoping to be the victor. Big managed to communicate that they were scared and worried that their social worker had/was coming to take them away. We knew that would be the case but hearing it was horrible especially when they clung to me as they said it.
Everything we were trying was failing, everything that had helped us cope up until this point and made things manageable had stopped working. We were completely out of ideas and trying to avoid getting the crap beat out of us. Big is of school age (we know doesn't really say much for you reading this) and when you have a child who is functioning in that moment as a toddler but is the size of a child 2 years older than their chronological age, it's very difficult. For those of you that aren't adopters or haven't been through stuff like this, imagine having a small teenager having a full on throw yourself on the floor tantrum in a supermarket whilst being in an irrational teenagers rage and try to stop that from happening without anyone getting hurt. Big isn't a teen but the principle is the same. It's an impossible situation and if you're in it, i can pretty much guarantee that you will shout. Then you'll feel guilty about shouting. Then you'll shout again.
We'd reached out for help from their placing LA earlier in the week and had an appointment set up with therapeutic support to try and help the situation. Therapeutic support told us to call/email if anything else got worse or we needed anything in the meantime. We did and got the biggest load of bull back in an email. I was so angry. Suggestions of having their social worker speak to them on the phone to 'diffuse' the situation and the like. Completely unhelpful and worrying that it would be suggested under the circumstances.
Throughout everything our social worker has kept us sane. From Big screaming in my face that i've hurt them whilst trying to restrain them, Little disclosing some really worrying things and everything getting on top of us, she's been amazing. She's done additional therapeutic visits to try and help things, she's been on the phone at the drop of a hat and really supportive of everything we've done.
When she visited she asked us how we're feeling. We'd been talking to each other about that very thing the evening before and agreed that out of 10 (1 being the absolute worst we could feel and 10 being the best) we were on a daily 2. Maybe a 3. She wasn't judgemental or shocked but did say that it was really bad that we were feeling that low. She did and has continually given us a boost and told us that she's amazed with how well we're doing and very proud of how we're working together.
We've been getting some big disclosures recently and since Big's most dramatic one, their aggression has calmed so much. In the last few days *touch wood* we've had no violence. We've had a few little things where someone has been pushed very lightly or i had their foot against my stomach but the tension went straight away and it changed from being intended to kick me to stroking me gently. We're nowhere near where we want to be yet but we've got a few consecutive days going now, fingers crossed it stays that way for at least the rest of the day.
The only thing that we're getting especially after a big few hour long meltdown that we're struggling with is the constant questioning and need to be in contact with us. We'll get 10 questions a minute for as long as 5 hours. In that time a face or arm will appear out of nowhere. I was chopping some veg the other day when Big grabbed my arm, i was using a 6 inch long very sharp knife. scared the living daylights out of me!!
We've been introducing our family to them for a little while now. We've introduced the main people who are going to be around regularly and everything has gone well. Both B&L have some cousins who they're idolising and are now forever asking to see them. It's good for us too, we suddenly have access to our support network in a way that those first few weeks wouldn't allow. It's coming more naturally now which is brilliant for all 4 of us.
I definitely love them but it's not a mother's love as such. It's very fickle, when things are bad a really can't stand them, I hate that we've brought the tension, stress and aggression into what was our happy little house. When things are good, i'm beaming. Everything they do makes my heart swell, one cheeky little grin from either of them and i love them that little bit more. Every cuddle means the world, every time one of them tells me that they like me or picks a daisy for me whilst we're on a walk i'm a bit of an emotional wreck. They've both started stroking our backs/arms when we have a cuddle in the way that we do to them, it's the most beautiful thing ever. They're the most amazing children in the world and i feel very privileged to be one of their Mums even though i don't actually feel like i'm a parent yet. Wife doesn't love them yet. She says that she's happy and she likes them but it's just not developed into more than that yet.
One thing that we don't remember being mentioned on our training was how hard it is to parent a child who is showing you lots and lots of extreme behaviour when you either don't love them or you don't love them unconditionally. Especially when they're using the other sibling as a punchbag. It's really, really shit.
We really have had a month from hell with them, we haven't been able to relax at all. If it wasn't for the fact that we can feel the attachment developing and that they sleep, god knows where we'd be.
The only thing we know for certain is that if it wasn't for our agency, social worker, twitter and a very good friend, we wouldn't all be together as a family anymore. That sounds extreme but the only way we were truly finding all of the strength we needed to get through each day was the constant contact and support from them. They have been incredible and we will be forever in their debt.
My biggest piece of advice for anyone about to embark on this journey is to be strict. Rules can be loosened as and when appropriate but going the other way is so much harder and in our experience, they need to know the boundaries and the stricter you are with the basics to start with, the sooner they get to at least start to understand where they fit in and how things will be in their new family.
The first day of intros was...awkward. Wife had a serious case of food poisoning which had her up vomiting from 2am, as we were about to leave, the other end started. It was awful! She felt so rubbish all day and all Big and Little wanted to do was run and bounce on the trampoline.
When we walked into the foster carers Big and Little were there and just stared at us. Big came to me and Little to Wife, we sat on the sofa and both of them stared at us. Big kept looking me right in the eyes and smiling their little head off. Later that day, Big told me that they had been dreaming of me, absolutely melted my heart!
Foster carer was great from the get go, no awkwardness with us and let us get on with it. We got a great family photo done at the park that is strange to look at now, it's almost as if none of us look like the same people.
Overall introductions were very successful. Neither of us felt like we'd "gone through" introductions if that makes sense? It was all going very, very smoothly and we were all very happy. By day 3 i started to feel the big L and was getting incredibly emotional. Wife wasn't there at all at that point, she likes them very much but not there with anything else.
Both Big and Little were getting very confused with all the back and forth business, we kept saying that this was their forever home but you can't stay here today and that just didn't make sense to them. We had to do lots of reassurance over the 8 days and made sure that they knew exactly when we would be there etc and that helped so much.
The worst thing about intros was actually Big and Little's goodbye party. We just felt so out of place, neither B or L were really that bothered about us for the most part because so much was going on. People kept telling us how lucky they are (infuriating!!) and how we don't even know what's about to hit us etc etc. Lots of needless small talk that just isn't really relevant to us or adoption in general and people thinking they know all about parenting a traumatised child because their great uncles second cousins nephew was adopted in 1753.
Forever family day arrived at the right time, we were all fed up of the endless driving and going back and forth all the time. We picked them up and said a very quick goodbye to the foster carer and got in the car. I was fine until the foster carer hugged me and i collapsed in a flood of tears. Wife decided to drive so i could gather myself but the whole exchange only lasted about 3 or 4 minutes, it was just so intense and i really felt like i was severing a limb or something. Very strange feeling knowing that you can't just ask that question or be reassured by that nod from the other side of the room suddenly. We have kept in touch and plan to do so in the future, they have made such a difference to B&L's lives, the change in them is phenomenal, they're barely recognisable as the same children who went into care.
The drive home was very quiet, neither B or L spoke much at all until B broke down about 20 minutes from home. We decided that the best thing we could do was to reassure them and i decided to hold their hand and stroke it from the front. It seemed to work and they calmed down and just sat holding my hand for ages afterwards.
Each day we have a thing that has to be done for Big. Big does not like it but it has to be done. Doing this on forever family day is where our wonderfully happy family dynamic started to crack apart big time. It was also the first time i was punched by my child, it was hell and it really did show us exactly how things were going to be from that point on.
Over the next week, things got worse and worse. Big hit, kicked, punched, spat, screamed, shouted, shoved, strangled, pinched, you name it really and Big did it. Going in the car was filling us with dread, it was becoming dangerous within 5 minutes of getting in the car and we were stopping, we just didn't know what to do for the best.
We turned to our trusty Twitter community and our social worker. Lots of people suggested getting an mp3 player each so that they were distracted in the car and not focussing on each other and that has honestly worked wonders!!! The first day we tried it, we managed car journeys plus shopping for 2 hours and 41 minutes without incident. We were completely over the moon!!
Behaviour at home was getting worse and worse and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse...their social worker came for a visit. On the day they were both fine but the following day was WWIII in the AM household. We had 7 hours of pretty much solid violence coming in a new wave every 10-15 minutes. It was unbearable and we just didn't know what to do. We were on damage control whilst trying to make sure that no one was getting hurt. I'm fortunate that i don't bruise because if i did, i would have had black eyes and multiple big bruises on my face, arms, legs, stomach, back, neck. Pretty much everything has come at me, very little of it has been directed at Wife. It was like going in to the hunger games and hoping to be the victor. Big managed to communicate that they were scared and worried that their social worker had/was coming to take them away. We knew that would be the case but hearing it was horrible especially when they clung to me as they said it.
Everything we were trying was failing, everything that had helped us cope up until this point and made things manageable had stopped working. We were completely out of ideas and trying to avoid getting the crap beat out of us. Big is of school age (we know doesn't really say much for you reading this) and when you have a child who is functioning in that moment as a toddler but is the size of a child 2 years older than their chronological age, it's very difficult. For those of you that aren't adopters or haven't been through stuff like this, imagine having a small teenager having a full on throw yourself on the floor tantrum in a supermarket whilst being in an irrational teenagers rage and try to stop that from happening without anyone getting hurt. Big isn't a teen but the principle is the same. It's an impossible situation and if you're in it, i can pretty much guarantee that you will shout. Then you'll feel guilty about shouting. Then you'll shout again.
We'd reached out for help from their placing LA earlier in the week and had an appointment set up with therapeutic support to try and help the situation. Therapeutic support told us to call/email if anything else got worse or we needed anything in the meantime. We did and got the biggest load of bull back in an email. I was so angry. Suggestions of having their social worker speak to them on the phone to 'diffuse' the situation and the like. Completely unhelpful and worrying that it would be suggested under the circumstances.
Throughout everything our social worker has kept us sane. From Big screaming in my face that i've hurt them whilst trying to restrain them, Little disclosing some really worrying things and everything getting on top of us, she's been amazing. She's done additional therapeutic visits to try and help things, she's been on the phone at the drop of a hat and really supportive of everything we've done.
When she visited she asked us how we're feeling. We'd been talking to each other about that very thing the evening before and agreed that out of 10 (1 being the absolute worst we could feel and 10 being the best) we were on a daily 2. Maybe a 3. She wasn't judgemental or shocked but did say that it was really bad that we were feeling that low. She did and has continually given us a boost and told us that she's amazed with how well we're doing and very proud of how we're working together.
We've been getting some big disclosures recently and since Big's most dramatic one, their aggression has calmed so much. In the last few days *touch wood* we've had no violence. We've had a few little things where someone has been pushed very lightly or i had their foot against my stomach but the tension went straight away and it changed from being intended to kick me to stroking me gently. We're nowhere near where we want to be yet but we've got a few consecutive days going now, fingers crossed it stays that way for at least the rest of the day.
The only thing that we're getting especially after a big few hour long meltdown that we're struggling with is the constant questioning and need to be in contact with us. We'll get 10 questions a minute for as long as 5 hours. In that time a face or arm will appear out of nowhere. I was chopping some veg the other day when Big grabbed my arm, i was using a 6 inch long very sharp knife. scared the living daylights out of me!!
We've been introducing our family to them for a little while now. We've introduced the main people who are going to be around regularly and everything has gone well. Both B&L have some cousins who they're idolising and are now forever asking to see them. It's good for us too, we suddenly have access to our support network in a way that those first few weeks wouldn't allow. It's coming more naturally now which is brilliant for all 4 of us.
I definitely love them but it's not a mother's love as such. It's very fickle, when things are bad a really can't stand them, I hate that we've brought the tension, stress and aggression into what was our happy little house. When things are good, i'm beaming. Everything they do makes my heart swell, one cheeky little grin from either of them and i love them that little bit more. Every cuddle means the world, every time one of them tells me that they like me or picks a daisy for me whilst we're on a walk i'm a bit of an emotional wreck. They've both started stroking our backs/arms when we have a cuddle in the way that we do to them, it's the most beautiful thing ever. They're the most amazing children in the world and i feel very privileged to be one of their Mums even though i don't actually feel like i'm a parent yet. Wife doesn't love them yet. She says that she's happy and she likes them but it's just not developed into more than that yet.
One thing that we don't remember being mentioned on our training was how hard it is to parent a child who is showing you lots and lots of extreme behaviour when you either don't love them or you don't love them unconditionally. Especially when they're using the other sibling as a punchbag. It's really, really shit.
We really have had a month from hell with them, we haven't been able to relax at all. If it wasn't for the fact that we can feel the attachment developing and that they sleep, god knows where we'd be.
The only thing we know for certain is that if it wasn't for our agency, social worker, twitter and a very good friend, we wouldn't all be together as a family anymore. That sounds extreme but the only way we were truly finding all of the strength we needed to get through each day was the constant contact and support from them. They have been incredible and we will be forever in their debt.
My biggest piece of advice for anyone about to embark on this journey is to be strict. Rules can be loosened as and when appropriate but going the other way is so much harder and in our experience, they need to know the boundaries and the stricter you are with the basics to start with, the sooner they get to at least start to understand where they fit in and how things will be in their new family.
Tuesday, 10 March 2015
Matching!!
Last week we went to matching panel. We'd had a few bumps in the road on the way with late requests for medical stuff to be done and Big and Little's social worker basically not doing her bloody job which resulted in a breakdown of her and our social workers professional relation but we made it.
We set off mega early which ended up being a good thing because it took twice the time we were expecting to get there. We met our social worker in the car park and walked over with her. It was her first matching panel so she was really nervous but neither of us were, it was kind of weird. The anticipation of what was about to happen was definitely there but nerves weren't a factor.
When we got over to the location another social worker from our agency was there (she had done our stage one stuff) which was amazing. When Big and Little's social worker walked in completely unprofessionally, her face was a picture!! B&L's social worker didn't even acknowledge either of our social workers which was pretty infuriating actually.
The time came for us to go into panel so we all filtered into what was a tiny room really for 16 people to be in but we managed it in the end. Panel were great actually, everything was very much transparent, all questions were asked with us in the room which no doubt annoyed the crap out of B&L's social worker because they ripped her work to shreds!!! She was asked so many more questions than we were, they got her to admit that she'd not done work she should have done (which she now has to do) and the biggest thing...they got her to admit that one of the proposed contact arrangements for the future is not in the best interests of Big and Little!!!! We were in shock!!! The best thing though was when they told our social worker that her paperwork was outstanding, i think we all smiled quite openly when that came out.
Next we had to wait again in the waiting room. It didn't take long at all, Wife reckons it was only about 3 minutes and we were asked back in. It was a unanimous yes!!!! I started crying pretty much instantly, as much as we were expecting everything to be smooth, i think it was shock.
When we left panel to go to the planning meeting, we got chance to have a quiet chat with our social workers, they were so happy for us. Our social worker has been so amazing and supportive, she really has made an incredible difference. Comments soon turned to what panel said about her report, she was beaming!
Planning meeting went well, we managed to compromise on how long we'll be doing initially, the LA wanted us on full days from day one but we've managed to get it down to a few hours with the potential for a break in the middle which suits us fine.
As the week has gone on my Mum has become more and more of a nightmare. honestly, she's been completely over bearing and has started to take some of our excitement away. She's interfered in areas where there's been absolutely no need for her to and as a result we decided to get our letter to family and friends sorted sooner rather than later. We used the letter on this link and edited (quite heavily really) to suit our LOs. The reaction to it has been amazing, everyone has loved it, a couple of people have had that moment of realisation about what adoption truly means on a day to day basis because of it but above all, in 1 full day, i only got 2 messages from my Mum!!!! Woo!!
The best thing that's happened since matching panel...we got to speak on the phone with Big and Little!! Hearing their voices again after so long was amazing. Big told us what they wanted to do when we meet them, Little told us their favourite part of the DVD we did (the DVD is a huge hit btw, huge!) it was just amazing. I was grinning from ear to ear after that few minute chat!!
So here we are, on the morning of introductions, it's 4:48am and i haven't slept a wink since about 2:30. I don't think i'm nervous, i'm just so conscious that this is it, there's no changing anything from this point forwards, we are parents and we have to do the best job possible. I just hope that i'm up to the task!
We set off mega early which ended up being a good thing because it took twice the time we were expecting to get there. We met our social worker in the car park and walked over with her. It was her first matching panel so she was really nervous but neither of us were, it was kind of weird. The anticipation of what was about to happen was definitely there but nerves weren't a factor.
When we got over to the location another social worker from our agency was there (she had done our stage one stuff) which was amazing. When Big and Little's social worker walked in completely unprofessionally, her face was a picture!! B&L's social worker didn't even acknowledge either of our social workers which was pretty infuriating actually.
The time came for us to go into panel so we all filtered into what was a tiny room really for 16 people to be in but we managed it in the end. Panel were great actually, everything was very much transparent, all questions were asked with us in the room which no doubt annoyed the crap out of B&L's social worker because they ripped her work to shreds!!! She was asked so many more questions than we were, they got her to admit that she'd not done work she should have done (which she now has to do) and the biggest thing...they got her to admit that one of the proposed contact arrangements for the future is not in the best interests of Big and Little!!!! We were in shock!!! The best thing though was when they told our social worker that her paperwork was outstanding, i think we all smiled quite openly when that came out.
Next we had to wait again in the waiting room. It didn't take long at all, Wife reckons it was only about 3 minutes and we were asked back in. It was a unanimous yes!!!! I started crying pretty much instantly, as much as we were expecting everything to be smooth, i think it was shock.
When we left panel to go to the planning meeting, we got chance to have a quiet chat with our social workers, they were so happy for us. Our social worker has been so amazing and supportive, she really has made an incredible difference. Comments soon turned to what panel said about her report, she was beaming!
Planning meeting went well, we managed to compromise on how long we'll be doing initially, the LA wanted us on full days from day one but we've managed to get it down to a few hours with the potential for a break in the middle which suits us fine.
As the week has gone on my Mum has become more and more of a nightmare. honestly, she's been completely over bearing and has started to take some of our excitement away. She's interfered in areas where there's been absolutely no need for her to and as a result we decided to get our letter to family and friends sorted sooner rather than later. We used the letter on this link and edited (quite heavily really) to suit our LOs. The reaction to it has been amazing, everyone has loved it, a couple of people have had that moment of realisation about what adoption truly means on a day to day basis because of it but above all, in 1 full day, i only got 2 messages from my Mum!!!! Woo!!
The best thing that's happened since matching panel...we got to speak on the phone with Big and Little!! Hearing their voices again after so long was amazing. Big told us what they wanted to do when we meet them, Little told us their favourite part of the DVD we did (the DVD is a huge hit btw, huge!) it was just amazing. I was grinning from ear to ear after that few minute chat!!
So here we are, on the morning of introductions, it's 4:48am and i haven't slept a wink since about 2:30. I don't think i'm nervous, i'm just so conscious that this is it, there's no changing anything from this point forwards, we are parents and we have to do the best job possible. I just hope that i'm up to the task!
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Preparing for the arrival of Big and Little
It's obviously been a while since I blogged and so much has happened!!! I can't go into everything on here but i'll give you a brief overview.
We're well into the swing of buying for Big and Little now, they've got all of the essentials and their bedroom is coming together. Their social worker is proving to be a bit...awkward. We've asked very basic questions and she either seems to be dodging them or is quite indecisive when it comes to giving an answer.
The biggest thing we wanted to know was whether or not they are currently in the same room because we wanted to keep it consistent for them until we feel the need to change things. She could not answer the question at all. One day they are in the same room, the next they're not. It was driving us insane!
When we visited the foster carers, we got to see where they sleep and they are in the same room. Surely their social worker should have known that? Even our social worker said that she should be checking out their bedroom each time a visit happens. Couple that with her originally saying that she wanted a December panel then changing it to January. Then something else happened and it was February. Then when we did life appreciation day it suddenly became March because she couldn't possibly have the paperwork done in time.
On life appreciation day she also said that she'd sort some extra stuff out for us, nothing huge but stuff that will help with school admissions and then when we asked for it she's said that another social worker is now dealing with it. So frustrating, we completely respect that she's realistically over worked with very little 'spare' time but if that's the case, don't make promises that you can't keep.
There's lots of life story work stuff mentioned too because both children are going to need to be worked with more and more as time goes on as neither is completely understanding of why they are where they are. We asked if their life story books are going to be available for placement as someone is currently working on it and their social worker couldn't understand why we'd need it that early and stated that normally it only arrives once the order is through. She does like to contradict herself!! We have just booked to go on a course run by our agency about life story work though so we're hoping that helps us whether we get the books when they come home or not.
That's that rant over!
When it comes to details about Big and Little, we're keeping very quiet on it all. We're not (at least for now) revealing their genders or ages. It's a personal choice really, it's part of who they are and not even family knew anything until Christmas.
Family were over the moon and emotional when they saw the pictures and we started telling them all about their personalities and likes and dislikes. There were tears and hugs, lots of excitement and so many questions. It was so wonderful being able to finally talk openly about Big and Little, it's really made a difference to us.
The main thing i guess we're trying to focus on now is to try and be as prepared as possible. We know that they like to be up early so we've started getting up early and trying to be really quite active as soon as possible (walking our dogs or doing an exercise DVD etc) to hopefully help form the habit that we'll have to deal with for a long time. Intros are going to be fun...up before 5am to make sure we'll be there on time, eek!
We'll be starting their welcome DVD soon too, we're planning a trip to the country park that's fairly local with all sorts of fun and games on the playground. We're hoping a couple of the closer family members want to make an appearance too.
The thing i'm becoming quite aware of is that i am most definitely looking at the future with rose tinted specs on. I'm imagining the fantastic fun days out we'll have as a family and where we'll go and what we'll do. I'm very much aware of the behaviours that Big and Little are currently showing and that they're likely to intensify on placement but that hasn't fully hit home yet.
I don't know if anyone could go into this thinking everyday is going to be hell on earth and i don't think you can fully prepare for the shock of it until it's there in your home. We're both trying to come up with strategies and ideas that may help with certain needs that they both have and hoping that when the time comes, the training we've received from our agency will kick in and we'll handle things well enough. i know that this is just the beginning and i know that we'll have days when we want to do nothing more than curl up in a ball and hope it stops but right in the corner of that thought i can see a flash of a smile or a cuddle at the right time and know that we'll be alright.
I think everyone has rose tinted specs on to a certain extent and i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I think it can be a very bad thing but so long as you understand where your child(ren) is coming from and why certain things may happen and respect that and try to work through it with them rather than against them, i think you'll be just fine.
I'm starting to get quite stressed in quite a few ways now too. We've had to change our idea about being Mummy and Mommy (or Mum and Mom) because Big and Little's social worker doesn't think they'll ever get it. You would not believe the discussions we've had for hours about why we think it'll work just fine and our reasoning behind it. We've settled (for now...very much for now) on Mummy and Momma, i think it'll do for now but it's still giving me a shed load of anxiety.
Last night i barely slept at all. I had the Mommy/Momma thing going round my mind and then yesterday we found out Big's middle name and it's the same name we wanted to give them. It feels wrong to keep it because Little will be getting a new middle name so we spent ages searching the internet and discussing alternatives. All night i was trying to come up with an alternative and i just couldn't settle. We have now agreed on a new name that we do love, it has a twist too which makes is really meaningful to us both so we're really happy.
I also dreamt about doing our first letterbox letter to birth Mum which was so strange. I remember a lot of the stuff that i put in it and it feels bizarre to be thinking about it at the minute. When i eventually woke from the dream my jaw was absolutely killing me and wife told me that i'd be grinding my teeth, i've not done that in years and i've never done it so much that i've made my jaw hurt!
The stress of everything is starting to show i think, we've managed to get a good email relationship going with their foster carers and that is helping a hell of a lot, they answer all of our questions and have so far made it really easy for us.
Anyway, i think that's the latest stuff, sorry it's all a bit jumbled up and strange!
We're well into the swing of buying for Big and Little now, they've got all of the essentials and their bedroom is coming together. Their social worker is proving to be a bit...awkward. We've asked very basic questions and she either seems to be dodging them or is quite indecisive when it comes to giving an answer.
The biggest thing we wanted to know was whether or not they are currently in the same room because we wanted to keep it consistent for them until we feel the need to change things. She could not answer the question at all. One day they are in the same room, the next they're not. It was driving us insane!
When we visited the foster carers, we got to see where they sleep and they are in the same room. Surely their social worker should have known that? Even our social worker said that she should be checking out their bedroom each time a visit happens. Couple that with her originally saying that she wanted a December panel then changing it to January. Then something else happened and it was February. Then when we did life appreciation day it suddenly became March because she couldn't possibly have the paperwork done in time.
On life appreciation day she also said that she'd sort some extra stuff out for us, nothing huge but stuff that will help with school admissions and then when we asked for it she's said that another social worker is now dealing with it. So frustrating, we completely respect that she's realistically over worked with very little 'spare' time but if that's the case, don't make promises that you can't keep.
There's lots of life story work stuff mentioned too because both children are going to need to be worked with more and more as time goes on as neither is completely understanding of why they are where they are. We asked if their life story books are going to be available for placement as someone is currently working on it and their social worker couldn't understand why we'd need it that early and stated that normally it only arrives once the order is through. She does like to contradict herself!! We have just booked to go on a course run by our agency about life story work though so we're hoping that helps us whether we get the books when they come home or not.
That's that rant over!
When it comes to details about Big and Little, we're keeping very quiet on it all. We're not (at least for now) revealing their genders or ages. It's a personal choice really, it's part of who they are and not even family knew anything until Christmas.
Family were over the moon and emotional when they saw the pictures and we started telling them all about their personalities and likes and dislikes. There were tears and hugs, lots of excitement and so many questions. It was so wonderful being able to finally talk openly about Big and Little, it's really made a difference to us.
The main thing i guess we're trying to focus on now is to try and be as prepared as possible. We know that they like to be up early so we've started getting up early and trying to be really quite active as soon as possible (walking our dogs or doing an exercise DVD etc) to hopefully help form the habit that we'll have to deal with for a long time. Intros are going to be fun...up before 5am to make sure we'll be there on time, eek!
We'll be starting their welcome DVD soon too, we're planning a trip to the country park that's fairly local with all sorts of fun and games on the playground. We're hoping a couple of the closer family members want to make an appearance too.
The thing i'm becoming quite aware of is that i am most definitely looking at the future with rose tinted specs on. I'm imagining the fantastic fun days out we'll have as a family and where we'll go and what we'll do. I'm very much aware of the behaviours that Big and Little are currently showing and that they're likely to intensify on placement but that hasn't fully hit home yet.
I don't know if anyone could go into this thinking everyday is going to be hell on earth and i don't think you can fully prepare for the shock of it until it's there in your home. We're both trying to come up with strategies and ideas that may help with certain needs that they both have and hoping that when the time comes, the training we've received from our agency will kick in and we'll handle things well enough. i know that this is just the beginning and i know that we'll have days when we want to do nothing more than curl up in a ball and hope it stops but right in the corner of that thought i can see a flash of a smile or a cuddle at the right time and know that we'll be alright.
I think everyone has rose tinted specs on to a certain extent and i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I think it can be a very bad thing but so long as you understand where your child(ren) is coming from and why certain things may happen and respect that and try to work through it with them rather than against them, i think you'll be just fine.
I'm starting to get quite stressed in quite a few ways now too. We've had to change our idea about being Mummy and Mommy (or Mum and Mom) because Big and Little's social worker doesn't think they'll ever get it. You would not believe the discussions we've had for hours about why we think it'll work just fine and our reasoning behind it. We've settled (for now...very much for now) on Mummy and Momma, i think it'll do for now but it's still giving me a shed load of anxiety.
Last night i barely slept at all. I had the Mommy/Momma thing going round my mind and then yesterday we found out Big's middle name and it's the same name we wanted to give them. It feels wrong to keep it because Little will be getting a new middle name so we spent ages searching the internet and discussing alternatives. All night i was trying to come up with an alternative and i just couldn't settle. We have now agreed on a new name that we do love, it has a twist too which makes is really meaningful to us both so we're really happy.
I also dreamt about doing our first letterbox letter to birth Mum which was so strange. I remember a lot of the stuff that i put in it and it feels bizarre to be thinking about it at the minute. When i eventually woke from the dream my jaw was absolutely killing me and wife told me that i'd be grinding my teeth, i've not done that in years and i've never done it so much that i've made my jaw hurt!
The stress of everything is starting to show i think, we've managed to get a good email relationship going with their foster carers and that is helping a hell of a lot, they answer all of our questions and have so far made it really easy for us.
Anyway, i think that's the latest stuff, sorry it's all a bit jumbled up and strange!
Saturday, 8 November 2014
Homefinding
This so far the weirdest and most difficult part of the whole process. We knew it was going to be but the reality of it is bizarre.
It all started with a letter inviting us to our home finding seminar and an additional sheet had a list of events happening in and around our area in the coming weeks/months. We decided on the events we wanted to attend and told our social worker.
Within a few days, we were going to our first exchange evening. I'm not sure what either of us were expecting but the reality was strange. We walked into a room and met up with some of the other people from our workshops and had a good catch up.
After the welcome chat with the hosting authority, we were free to look at the 30 ish profiles dotted around the room from 4 reasonably local authorities. That's when things got really weird. Looking at pictures of beautiful children and instantly saying, yes or no or too young or too close to us felt wrong in a way that i don't think I've ever experienced before.
Our home finding social workers were there for support and a chat whenever we felt like we needed it and we did. We had a sit down and chat with them about panel coming up and general life. After a while they asked if there was anyone we had noticed or wanted more information on and we mentioned that the only one we'd seen was one over the other side but nothing had grabbed us as such. They arranged for their profiles to be sent over to us after the event.
After we left, i felt really strange. I couldn't explain why i just knew that i felt really weird about the whole exchange evening thing. There was nothing in particular that got to me, it just unsettled me in a way i wasn't expecting. 48 hours later the same thing hit my wife and she couldn't explain it. With the way it happened to both of us, be prepared to experience a similar thing if you attend an event like that.
Not long after the exchange evening we went to an activity day. We'd heard all sorts about these activity days and were both looking forward to it and incredibly nervous. We made sure our minimal costumes were in place and went for it.
The introduction to the day was quick and easy, there'd been some children drop out and a couple of last minute additions, don't do this, do that, the food was being served last so go have fun and play with some kids.
We didn't know where to start, the weather was absolutely awful so the only thing we knew was that we wouldn't be going outside for now at least. We decided on the craft room and sat down at a table to make something that matched the theme of the day. Before long we had a child and a social worker sit with us and within a couple of minutes, we were chatting easily. I don't think we could have chosen a more perfect start to the day!!
We spent about 15 minutes chatting and crafting and when we'd finished making our thing, we thanked the child for all of their help and moved on to the next thing...play doh!!! i love play doh. Not sure i will when it's trampled into the carpet but as things stand, i love play doh. A little note here, if you do go to an activity day and are at a table with children playing and there's no chairs, kneel down, we were the only ones who did (including the people there with birth/previously adopted children) and it made a big difference.
When we got to the table, we realised that 2 of the children there were the ones who's profile we'd seen not long ago so we were curious to see what they were like. It took about a minute to get talking and playing and helping them with bits and have them help us. We named a bit of play doh that looked like a caterpillar, much to the delight of the oldest one.
After a while we realised that we'd spent quite a bit of time with them so thought it best to move on. We sat down with another couple of siblings and started helping one of them make something else that matched the theme well. The older of the two was easy to talk to, a little reluctant to let us help with the task but did after a little encouragement. The younger of the two wouldn't engage at all, neither us or their foster carer could get them to talk to us or respond to any questions, at one point i was hit with something they were holding. Looking back on the behaviour that child displayed, it could be a very clear indicator of some bigger issues.
We'd been at this table for about 5 minutes when the children from the exchange evening appeared and started talking to my wife straight away. It didn't take much time for me to join in and we all helped each other with some designing and gluing and sticking. It felt easy with them in a way i wasn't expecting. We again became conscious of being seen to be spending a lot of time with them so decided to move on to a different room.
On the way out, we caught up with their foster carer and asked a few questions based on what we had seen and what we'd read in their profiles. She was very honest about them, told us about their challenges and some of the things they're overcoming/have overcome since being with her and then they appeared from round the corner so we stopped our chat and decided to go to the quiet room.
On the way through to it, i asked wife how she was feeling and her response summed up where i was perfectly..."I can see it." At that point we realised that we had spent almost an hour and half with them. I started getting really emotional too so we had a good sit down to try and let things settle before going out again.
Our home finding social workers were there so we mentioned that we were definitely interested in pursuing things with them and would be registering our interest which we did at the end of the day.
We wanted to get outside since the weather had improved significantly so out we went only to get out there and realise that they were out there too!! We stopped and watched them for a little while from afar (again not wanting to look like we were hovering around the same children) and a BAAF person came and had a chat with us.
We didn't really end up talking to many more children, a couple very briefly but that was it. Overall, i thoroughly recommend going to an activity day. The children get a full day with a party like atmosphere and it gives you a small glimpse into what the children are like behind the profiles.
We emailed our social worker and told her about the people we'd met and she was really pleased. She got straight on to their social worker to try and arrange an exchange of our PAR and their CPRs which was awkward because ours had to be anonymised and we weren't allowed to see theirs because we weren't approved yet. It didn't happen straight away but it did eventually and that was when we were told that we were in a competitive matching situation. That really stung. Our social worker reassured us whilst trying to make sure we were remaining sensible but it really got to us. She read their CPR's and called us the following night.
Waiting for that call was horrible. She ended up calling earlier that she'd arranged which made it so much better on us but the waiting stuff is not fun. She gave us an overview of everything she had read and asked us how we felt about it. Hearing about the things these children had been through was strange but on a positive note, the 3 of us started getting really quite enthusiastic about our ability to parent these children.
Next was panel. We were approved!! Woo!!
Just after panel we heard back from their social worker saying that she wants to arrange a meeting with us and stating that we are no longer in a competitive matching situation.....our social worker had emailed that over to us after she'd been away for a weekend and only saw it at almost midnight, i woke at about 6am and checked my phone only to burst out crying whilst waking wife up to tell her. We were being seriously considered to parent these children!!!!
That meeting came, we discussed a lot of stuff, asked and answered a lot of questions, ate cake, drank tea, had a tour of the house and garden, looked at pictures and watched a DVD of them. Their social worker seemed to be really on board, our social worker is and so are we. We know that the children are going to need a lot of support going forwards but nothing is worrying us when it comes to our ability to parent them, everything we've heard and every question asked/answered has made sense to us.
In conclusion......it's official....WE'RE LINKED!!!!
Friday, 7 November 2014
Panel
It's been a couple of weeks but i thought it might be good for me to get our panel experience down in the blog :)
We arrived close to our agency almost an hour early so decided that a trip to costa was in order. A hot chocolate and short walk and we arrived! We were nervous, our social worker was visibly nervous as it was her first ever panel and we are her first couple.
Before long, the time arrived for her (another social worker who knows us pretty well joined her for a bit of support) to go in and get quizzed. After about 15 minutes, we were invited in.
Walking into that room is pretty intimidating!! We had 8 panel members and our social worker(s) and the room was really quite full, goodness knows what it would have been like if there were more people.
One of the panel members had run the workshops during stage one and was one of the reasons we chose our agency, seeing her face was such a relief. We calmed right down. The questions soon started and we got into a rhythm with them. Almost everyone was really pleased with our answers and the general feeling in the room was one of complete support.
Now i say almost everyone because there was one panel member who was not happy about anything we said. They asked us to name 3 parenting qualities we believe we possess and when we started, we just kept going. The person in question stopped us after a couple of minutes and said, "well that was 2." the social worker who was there for support was not happy. She folded her arms and said, "I counted 4."
After that there was a question about schools and we said that more than anything, we want a school that can meet the needs of our children and teach about diversity. We mentioned that we'd visited a faith school who teach tolerance and said that tolerance just isn't good enough for us. We also mentioned that results and league tables are relatively low on our list of needs from a school. Awkward panel member hated that answer.
After that we were asked to leave. We waited in the back room for the chair and vice chair to come and tell us the verdict and it took what felt like forever. They eventually appeared, told us to relax and said that it was a yes! Incredibly happy!!
Our social worker came through to us and we had a chat about it. Awkward panel member had said no. During the approval process we have decluttered most of the house, redecorated parts, lost a lot of weight each and had a big overhaul on our garden. APM's official reasoning for saying no was that they're convinced that we've done all of that stuff to be approved and won't ever keep it up and they were concerned with us not approaching any schools until the end of term (despite us not even starting stage 2 until the end of June).
Our social worker was furious and even said that all of the questions APM asked made her think they hadn't even read our PAR.
We then decided to go to the nearest town centre for some lunch and a celebratory cider and before long, the couple that went in afterwards joined us. Turns out that APM was nice as pie and approved them despite them not doing things that had been asked of them along the to do with their house, garden and weight.
I don't want to think it but i can't help feeling like maybe APM's decision had more to do with the fact that we're gay than anything else and that truly saddens me. Overall, we're approved and that's the main thing but the fact that APM did what they did just reminds us that this isn't going to be straightforward and even in the most supportive of environments, people may not be as open minded as we'd expect.
We arrived close to our agency almost an hour early so decided that a trip to costa was in order. A hot chocolate and short walk and we arrived! We were nervous, our social worker was visibly nervous as it was her first ever panel and we are her first couple.
Before long, the time arrived for her (another social worker who knows us pretty well joined her for a bit of support) to go in and get quizzed. After about 15 minutes, we were invited in.
Walking into that room is pretty intimidating!! We had 8 panel members and our social worker(s) and the room was really quite full, goodness knows what it would have been like if there were more people.
One of the panel members had run the workshops during stage one and was one of the reasons we chose our agency, seeing her face was such a relief. We calmed right down. The questions soon started and we got into a rhythm with them. Almost everyone was really pleased with our answers and the general feeling in the room was one of complete support.
Now i say almost everyone because there was one panel member who was not happy about anything we said. They asked us to name 3 parenting qualities we believe we possess and when we started, we just kept going. The person in question stopped us after a couple of minutes and said, "well that was 2." the social worker who was there for support was not happy. She folded her arms and said, "I counted 4."
After that there was a question about schools and we said that more than anything, we want a school that can meet the needs of our children and teach about diversity. We mentioned that we'd visited a faith school who teach tolerance and said that tolerance just isn't good enough for us. We also mentioned that results and league tables are relatively low on our list of needs from a school. Awkward panel member hated that answer.
After that we were asked to leave. We waited in the back room for the chair and vice chair to come and tell us the verdict and it took what felt like forever. They eventually appeared, told us to relax and said that it was a yes! Incredibly happy!!
Our social worker came through to us and we had a chat about it. Awkward panel member had said no. During the approval process we have decluttered most of the house, redecorated parts, lost a lot of weight each and had a big overhaul on our garden. APM's official reasoning for saying no was that they're convinced that we've done all of that stuff to be approved and won't ever keep it up and they were concerned with us not approaching any schools until the end of term (despite us not even starting stage 2 until the end of June).
Our social worker was furious and even said that all of the questions APM asked made her think they hadn't even read our PAR.
We then decided to go to the nearest town centre for some lunch and a celebratory cider and before long, the couple that went in afterwards joined us. Turns out that APM was nice as pie and approved them despite them not doing things that had been asked of them along the to do with their house, garden and weight.
I don't want to think it but i can't help feeling like maybe APM's decision had more to do with the fact that we're gay than anything else and that truly saddens me. Overall, we're approved and that's the main thing but the fact that APM did what they did just reminds us that this isn't going to be straightforward and even in the most supportive of environments, people may not be as open minded as we'd expect.
Tuesday, 21 October 2014
The Approval Process
We started this funny old process in April. As i'm writing this, we're less than 24 hours away from (hopefully) being approved.
When we started we were keen to learn and talk to as many people as possible to get as much insight into what it means to be an adoptive parent, something that i think we've done quite successfully to date and as a result, we've developed some awesome friendships.
Stage one was great, very much the start of a sharp learning curve. We completed our workshops and really enjoyed them. We got talking to some of the people there too and are keeping in touch with them, one of the couples has their panel straight after ours.
Once we got to stage 2 the workshops seemed to relax a little. The information was a little more intense but the participants seemed to be more laid back and it was actually a lot of fun. Our agency has a brilliant approach to the workshops and really gives us a lot of information and is always offering to support further learning.
We have learned so much throughout the workshops and have found them to be an invaluable experience, they really do go above and beyond in every way!
Our social worker is so fantastic, talk about going above and beyond, she replies to any message as soon as she gets it. That's whether she's working or not, if it's 11pm on a Friday night, she replies. She's been known to send us emails at almost midnight before, we could not have asked for a better or more committed social worker, she's amazing!!
Our home study was brilliant!!! So cool to sit and discuss stuff with someone new. Parts of it were quite tough and that left us both feeling quite tired with crazy headaches afterwards but we were fully supported by our social worker all the way through. We're able to be completely honest with her about anything and everything. If you're doing your home study, make sure you allow plenty of time (we were told an hour and half to 2 hours each time and they were more like 2 and half to 3 hours most of the time) and if possible, don't go to work afterwards.
Towards the end of stage 2 we attended a home finding seminar. Completely invaluable, it set out what to expect from approval panel onwards which is something we've shared with family so that they know what to expect from us.
We've decided that we won't share anything about how home finding is going until we have a milestone reached, our emotions are going to be pushed to the limits through matching and we just don't want the added pressure of people knowing every single interest we have or don't have.
We started looking at profiles a few weeks ago and it's tough. To look at a few paragraphs and try and decide whether or not that child/those children could be your children is so hard.
The really bizarre thing about the approval process is how straight forward it's been. I don't know if that's down to how our agency have handled it or what but everything seems to have fallen into place in front of us. Any time we've had a worry, the solution has come within a couple of weeks at most. Everything has flowed so easily so far that it's completely like it was the perfect time for us to start it all. So happy and really looking forward to what the future holds!!
So for now, this is where we are.
When we started we were keen to learn and talk to as many people as possible to get as much insight into what it means to be an adoptive parent, something that i think we've done quite successfully to date and as a result, we've developed some awesome friendships.
Stage one was great, very much the start of a sharp learning curve. We completed our workshops and really enjoyed them. We got talking to some of the people there too and are keeping in touch with them, one of the couples has their panel straight after ours.
Once we got to stage 2 the workshops seemed to relax a little. The information was a little more intense but the participants seemed to be more laid back and it was actually a lot of fun. Our agency has a brilliant approach to the workshops and really gives us a lot of information and is always offering to support further learning.
We have learned so much throughout the workshops and have found them to be an invaluable experience, they really do go above and beyond in every way!
Our social worker is so fantastic, talk about going above and beyond, she replies to any message as soon as she gets it. That's whether she's working or not, if it's 11pm on a Friday night, she replies. She's been known to send us emails at almost midnight before, we could not have asked for a better or more committed social worker, she's amazing!!
Our home study was brilliant!!! So cool to sit and discuss stuff with someone new. Parts of it were quite tough and that left us both feeling quite tired with crazy headaches afterwards but we were fully supported by our social worker all the way through. We're able to be completely honest with her about anything and everything. If you're doing your home study, make sure you allow plenty of time (we were told an hour and half to 2 hours each time and they were more like 2 and half to 3 hours most of the time) and if possible, don't go to work afterwards.
Towards the end of stage 2 we attended a home finding seminar. Completely invaluable, it set out what to expect from approval panel onwards which is something we've shared with family so that they know what to expect from us.
We've decided that we won't share anything about how home finding is going until we have a milestone reached, our emotions are going to be pushed to the limits through matching and we just don't want the added pressure of people knowing every single interest we have or don't have.
We started looking at profiles a few weeks ago and it's tough. To look at a few paragraphs and try and decide whether or not that child/those children could be your children is so hard.
The really bizarre thing about the approval process is how straight forward it's been. I don't know if that's down to how our agency have handled it or what but everything seems to have fallen into place in front of us. Any time we've had a worry, the solution has come within a couple of weeks at most. Everything has flowed so easily so far that it's completely like it was the perfect time for us to start it all. So happy and really looking forward to what the future holds!!
So for now, this is where we are.
Tuesday, 14 October 2014
Anonymity
Something seems to have come up on twitter recently, both myself and someone else (i can't remember who it was) realised that even if you're account is locked, you can be tweeted by people who don't follow you.
This lead me to think about overall internet privacy especially in regards to adoption. I'm normally quite an open person and don't hide much but recently, i've become more and more aware of the impact that could have on our children.
We don't know the background that our children come from and don't know how safe we will be to put details about them online in any form. We don't know who might be watching everything we tweet, what is there to stop a genuine birth parent from posing as an adopter, getting talking to one of us and then discovering who you are just because you've slipped up without thinking on a couple of things and then have them turn up on a twitter meet up that you invited them to where your children are there?
That absolutely terrifies me, the children that we end up adopting are going to come from a situation that is at best detrimental to their health and development but could well be life threatening.
It's a big 'if' when you're talking about these things but you just don't know who knows who, how many times have you seen a friend talking to someone on Facebook that you know from a completely different social circle? What if one of their friends is a friend of a birth parent? Especially if you adopt through a fairly local authority, these things can and i'm sure do happen.
We've decided between us that we won't be announcing the genders of our children, their ages or birthdays, any of their physical features, no pictures from the neck up (maybe even not at all), no names, basically nothing that can be used to identify them.
The same goes for us though, we won't tell people on twitter anything recognisable about us unless we actually meet them. No jobs, no birthdays, no anniversaries, no 'we're going to see X in concert tonight', no mention of the region we live in, no mention of the name of our agency, as little as possible.
The risk to our children is just too great, lots of chance things have to come together for anyone significant to find us but it's possible. Nothing on the internet is ever safe and as the most basic thing, it'll be our job as parents to make sure that our children are.
Monday, 11 August 2014
Stage 2 so far...
Stage 2 has flown by so far, it's really shocked me. I've just looked at my diary and realised that as of Wednesday, we'll officially be halfway through home study and as of Friday we'll have finished our prep groups! Time is flying!!
The prep groups so far have been great, our agency are brilliant and very supportive throughout all of them. The homework has been ok too, the first was pretty simple then the second was much more difficult but that had a lot more to do with the subject matter than anything.
Our social worker is lovely!! We're really pleased that we got her, she's very understanding and absolutely loves cake...wife got some mega brownie points when she baked a big Victoria sponge a couple of weeks ago.
My individual session was tough. I didn't realise until afterwards that she had got me talking about stuff that I've probably never mentioned to other people that I know, nevermind someone I don't. One thing felt really weird when I said it out loud and I found myself having to quickly change focus so i didn't cry but for the most part, talking about a lot of the stuff that went off was bizarre because it just doesn't feel anything like my life now. It's almost as if someone else lived it for me.
Lots of what I had said hit me afterwards and I ended up emailing her to thank her for being great. She replied to say that she was really pleased with the session and the way I relayed the information, big bonus!
Family are getting more involved (in a good way!) now, both of our mums are reading more and asking more questions about everything. Our nephews are too which is brilliant! We're talking to them about stuff in a little more detail now too, starting to try and introduce the possibility of challenging behaviours so that hopefully if our children do hit them etc, they'll be more prepared for it and it won't completely shock them.
My SIL is reading everything she can get her hands on and is attending a family information day at our agency along with me and my FIL. It's so good to see everyone coming together and supporting us as much as they are.
The only bad thing to report is a completely idiotic comment from my Mum's partner. He has a bit of a history of saying really stupid things about anything and everything and when i was discussing using different names on social media (i gave some twitter examples) Mum was genuinely interested and asking why etc and he pipes up in the background with 'Dumb and Dumber'.
He really can be the biggest of the idiots when he wants to be, i don't even think he was fully listening to what we were talking about but Mum had a go at him and he shut up. I was so furious with him and really had to bite my tongue much harder than i wanted to. If he even thinks of saying anything even remotely close to that when our children are home, i will not do the same.
Wife and i have been trying to talk more about specific situations and how we'll cope with certain things and how we'll communicate that one of us needs a time out to catch their breath (i think the dogs may be walked a bit more than usual!). We've even started talking about how we'll explain some of the more random things like my Mum having wobbly eyes (nystagmus).
It's all getting more and more real by the day and i think our perception of what's about to happen is changing and we're maturing more each day. We're trying to be more patient over all (not that we're particularly impatient) and i think people at my work have a sixth sense about it because i am being tested to my limits recently. Here's hoping that it's all good training.
We're both still really excited, nervous and quite scared but generally, when we think about how scared we are, we have a smile on our faces. It's a good scared, a really good scared.
My SIL is reading everything she can get her hands on and is attending a family information day at our agency along with me and my FIL. It's so good to see everyone coming together and supporting us as much as they are.
The only bad thing to report is a completely idiotic comment from my Mum's partner. He has a bit of a history of saying really stupid things about anything and everything and when i was discussing using different names on social media (i gave some twitter examples) Mum was genuinely interested and asking why etc and he pipes up in the background with 'Dumb and Dumber'.
He really can be the biggest of the idiots when he wants to be, i don't even think he was fully listening to what we were talking about but Mum had a go at him and he shut up. I was so furious with him and really had to bite my tongue much harder than i wanted to. If he even thinks of saying anything even remotely close to that when our children are home, i will not do the same.
Wife and i have been trying to talk more about specific situations and how we'll cope with certain things and how we'll communicate that one of us needs a time out to catch their breath (i think the dogs may be walked a bit more than usual!). We've even started talking about how we'll explain some of the more random things like my Mum having wobbly eyes (nystagmus).
It's all getting more and more real by the day and i think our perception of what's about to happen is changing and we're maturing more each day. We're trying to be more patient over all (not that we're particularly impatient) and i think people at my work have a sixth sense about it because i am being tested to my limits recently. Here's hoping that it's all good training.
We're both still really excited, nervous and quite scared but generally, when we think about how scared we are, we have a smile on our faces. It's a good scared, a really good scared.
Friday, 20 June 2014
Stage One
We're officially in Stage 2! We're really pleased that everything has gone relatively smoothly up until this point and just want to make a note of it all for future reference.
We were accepted onto Stage one in April and straight away we jumped into doing our homework (the enormous mountain of the stuff!!) and had our first workshop the following week.
The homework was more awkward that anything. Talking about yourself isn't something that comes naturally to a lot of people and we definitely fit in that category. Some questions were really simple to answer but others were difficult. To be asked what you feel your best characteristic is when it comes to being a parent and yet you've never been a parent, it's difficult. We both answered as honestly as we could and used friends and family to help with some of the difficult bits.
The workshops were really helpful, we covered a hell of a lot in the few hours that we had. We did an exercise with bits of string where one of the group had to be a child that was about to be adopted but we had to think of all of the people that had been in her life up until that point and how she felt about them and what they meant to her. We both found that exercise in particular, very helpful.
In the following workshop, we had a discussion about the specifics of abuse (i've mentioned this in another post) which again was helpful but draining.
We have been reading lots of blogs during stage one and we're going to point family and friends in their direction a little later on in the process.
We've both read 'Creating Loving Attachments' too. I have found this to be seriously helpful and have already recommended it to someone who is struggling and arguing lots with her birth children. Even when we've been babysitting for our many nephews, we've tried to use some of the stuff mentioned to try and get us used to it. What with that and Nick King's (follow the guy on twitter, lots of laughs and some good advice from time to time) '7 second rule', we're awesome babysitters! Not 100% sure about how it'll transfer when we have our children but we're starting as we mean to go on.
We had our end of stage one interview with our agency, this took us a little by surprise. We weren't told anything about it before we got there then were told that it takes about 3 hours...totally shocked but tried to hide it and answer everything as well as we could. It all seemed to go well although with hindsight, we both agreed that we could have answered some of the questions much better and at the end we were told that both social workers were happy for us to proceed but the manager had to sign off.
After that we were both relieved and started talking more about what we were expecting in stage 2.
Weirdly, i then had a wobble for a couple of days where the thought of becoming a parent terrified me. One thing that i've learnt through reading about PACE is the importance of acceptance and that starting with the acceptance of your child's 'inner life'.
Knowing that and experiencing the fear that i was, i suddenly realised that i need to accept it. It might sound strange but i was scared for a reason, i was scared that i couldn't cope with the sorts of behaviours we might be faced but regardless of how much i tried to deny it, i would still feel that way and that's fine.
Since then i have accepted that it's fine to be scared. I think that if you're not all scared about the prospect of suddenly having a child or two move in with you forever, that's a little weird.
We are going to face challenges that we've never had to face before and that is scary and intimidating but we are so determined to do everything we can to make it work. We're determined to learn as much as possible between here and there and then to continue that learning for as long as possible.
We're not always going to get it right but the fact that we care enough to want to always get it right speaks volumes.
Thank you to those of you on Twitter that helped me see that.
We were accepted onto Stage one in April and straight away we jumped into doing our homework (the enormous mountain of the stuff!!) and had our first workshop the following week.
The homework was more awkward that anything. Talking about yourself isn't something that comes naturally to a lot of people and we definitely fit in that category. Some questions were really simple to answer but others were difficult. To be asked what you feel your best characteristic is when it comes to being a parent and yet you've never been a parent, it's difficult. We both answered as honestly as we could and used friends and family to help with some of the difficult bits.
The workshops were really helpful, we covered a hell of a lot in the few hours that we had. We did an exercise with bits of string where one of the group had to be a child that was about to be adopted but we had to think of all of the people that had been in her life up until that point and how she felt about them and what they meant to her. We both found that exercise in particular, very helpful.
In the following workshop, we had a discussion about the specifics of abuse (i've mentioned this in another post) which again was helpful but draining.
We have been reading lots of blogs during stage one and we're going to point family and friends in their direction a little later on in the process.
We've both read 'Creating Loving Attachments' too. I have found this to be seriously helpful and have already recommended it to someone who is struggling and arguing lots with her birth children. Even when we've been babysitting for our many nephews, we've tried to use some of the stuff mentioned to try and get us used to it. What with that and Nick King's (follow the guy on twitter, lots of laughs and some good advice from time to time) '7 second rule', we're awesome babysitters! Not 100% sure about how it'll transfer when we have our children but we're starting as we mean to go on.
We had our end of stage one interview with our agency, this took us a little by surprise. We weren't told anything about it before we got there then were told that it takes about 3 hours...totally shocked but tried to hide it and answer everything as well as we could. It all seemed to go well although with hindsight, we both agreed that we could have answered some of the questions much better and at the end we were told that both social workers were happy for us to proceed but the manager had to sign off.
After that we were both relieved and started talking more about what we were expecting in stage 2.
Weirdly, i then had a wobble for a couple of days where the thought of becoming a parent terrified me. One thing that i've learnt through reading about PACE is the importance of acceptance and that starting with the acceptance of your child's 'inner life'.
Knowing that and experiencing the fear that i was, i suddenly realised that i need to accept it. It might sound strange but i was scared for a reason, i was scared that i couldn't cope with the sorts of behaviours we might be faced but regardless of how much i tried to deny it, i would still feel that way and that's fine.
Since then i have accepted that it's fine to be scared. I think that if you're not all scared about the prospect of suddenly having a child or two move in with you forever, that's a little weird.
We are going to face challenges that we've never had to face before and that is scary and intimidating but we are so determined to do everything we can to make it work. We're determined to learn as much as possible between here and there and then to continue that learning for as long as possible.
We're not always going to get it right but the fact that we care enough to want to always get it right speaks volumes.
Thank you to those of you on Twitter that helped me see that.
Thursday, 15 May 2014
Workshops
We attended our second workshop as part of stage one yesterday and i felt the need to blog about it.
The first briefly covered loss and grief, contact, becoming part of a minority group and legal issues. This was very informative and we both came away having learnt more than we were expecting and both had a different perspective of things from the childs point of view.
This week we attended the workshop dealing with child development, attachment, abuse and trauma and parenting, healing and hope.
This was a different kettle of fish. The abuse and trauma sections really had an impact on me to the point where i was exhausted by the time we got home and it wasn't even 8pm. I think it's completely normal to be in a situation where you're thinking about abuse and its effects (affects?!? i never know the difference) for it to have that sort of impact. It was mentally draining.
Whilst we were talking about abuse we had to give examples of neglect, emotional, sexual and physical abuse and domestic violence. All of that was fine and completely understandable but a couple of things that were said proved to be very controversial in the room.
When we were discussing emotional abuse, someone said that post natal depression was a form of abuse. Quite a few of us were shocked that it came up in that context without explanation and one woman spoke up. She was very unhappy with it being classed as abuse and gave examples of friends who would have been mortified to hear the same thing after going through it themselves.
I completely agreed with her. I personally don't think that PND is abusive. I think the repercussions of it can be in certain circumstances but this wasn't considered until it was challenged.
The next thing that was difficult was discussing sexual abuse. This is never going to be an easy subject for anyone to discuss, we all know that it happens and what it entails but to sit and talk about the technicalities and exactly what goes on is a whole other ball game.
So far this has been the only thing that has made me uncomfortable. It sounds daft as a grown adult but sex has never been something that has been discussed in my family (apart from the time that my Granny had a serious water infection and was convinced that the doctors were trying to have sex with her!) and to discuss it out in the open like that was weird. I know that makes me sound immature but even now, sex is a taboo subject with my lot.
We've been having lots of discussions about the sorts of children we feel that we'd be able to adopt and we've both said that we don't feel as though we have the right skills to be able to raise a child who has been sexually abused. The social workers made a point of basically saying that we can't say no to sexual abuse because they can't possible know everything before a child is placed.
This bothered us both again because if something came up then we would find a way to deal with it whilst keeping our children's best interests at heart but neither of us feel comfortable with taking on a child who is known to have experienced sexual abuse.
All in all, yesterday was tiring!
The first briefly covered loss and grief, contact, becoming part of a minority group and legal issues. This was very informative and we both came away having learnt more than we were expecting and both had a different perspective of things from the childs point of view.
This week we attended the workshop dealing with child development, attachment, abuse and trauma and parenting, healing and hope.
This was a different kettle of fish. The abuse and trauma sections really had an impact on me to the point where i was exhausted by the time we got home and it wasn't even 8pm. I think it's completely normal to be in a situation where you're thinking about abuse and its effects (affects?!? i never know the difference) for it to have that sort of impact. It was mentally draining.
Whilst we were talking about abuse we had to give examples of neglect, emotional, sexual and physical abuse and domestic violence. All of that was fine and completely understandable but a couple of things that were said proved to be very controversial in the room.
When we were discussing emotional abuse, someone said that post natal depression was a form of abuse. Quite a few of us were shocked that it came up in that context without explanation and one woman spoke up. She was very unhappy with it being classed as abuse and gave examples of friends who would have been mortified to hear the same thing after going through it themselves.
I completely agreed with her. I personally don't think that PND is abusive. I think the repercussions of it can be in certain circumstances but this wasn't considered until it was challenged.
The next thing that was difficult was discussing sexual abuse. This is never going to be an easy subject for anyone to discuss, we all know that it happens and what it entails but to sit and talk about the technicalities and exactly what goes on is a whole other ball game.
So far this has been the only thing that has made me uncomfortable. It sounds daft as a grown adult but sex has never been something that has been discussed in my family (apart from the time that my Granny had a serious water infection and was convinced that the doctors were trying to have sex with her!) and to discuss it out in the open like that was weird. I know that makes me sound immature but even now, sex is a taboo subject with my lot.
We've been having lots of discussions about the sorts of children we feel that we'd be able to adopt and we've both said that we don't feel as though we have the right skills to be able to raise a child who has been sexually abused. The social workers made a point of basically saying that we can't say no to sexual abuse because they can't possible know everything before a child is placed.
This bothered us both again because if something came up then we would find a way to deal with it whilst keeping our children's best interests at heart but neither of us feel comfortable with taking on a child who is known to have experienced sexual abuse.
All in all, yesterday was tiring!
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
The worries
At this moment in time, we are throwing ourselves pretty much completely into the unknown. We don't know what stage 2 is going to reveal, we don't know how we're going to react to any of it and we certainly don't know what our social worker thinks of us.
Most of it, we're pretty confident about dealing with, however, there are little things that i keep thinking about and over analysing.
My upbringing was not great. After speaking with my Mum about things recently, we're both pretty convinced that if it was now, i probably would have ended up in care. Mainly down to my Mum's ex and the abuse we all suffered as a family thanks to him but my Mum being bipolar really wouldn't have helped matters.
Is that going to go against us? Is the fact that my Mum and I get on really well now even though lots of stuff happened back then and she (from the outside) did nothing to prevent it? What if they decided that my wife's upbringing was too straight forward? What if that's all fine but they think that we're completely irresponsible now?
A few nights ago, I dreamt that we got to panel and were declined because of my hairstyle. They saw it as being something that showed that i was immature. They then banned us from ever applying again.
The week before that, i suddenly thought about my tattoos. Now i don't have lots of really OTT crazy tattoos but i do have a few and one that has a huge amount of meaning behind it is on my forearm. What if we get through this whole process, we're approved, matched and go to meet our children with everything being fine. Once we get there, what happens if my tattoos set something off with them and they instantly distrust me?
I know these are only little things but they're still there and they're very much real.
Most of it, we're pretty confident about dealing with, however, there are little things that i keep thinking about and over analysing.
My upbringing was not great. After speaking with my Mum about things recently, we're both pretty convinced that if it was now, i probably would have ended up in care. Mainly down to my Mum's ex and the abuse we all suffered as a family thanks to him but my Mum being bipolar really wouldn't have helped matters.
Is that going to go against us? Is the fact that my Mum and I get on really well now even though lots of stuff happened back then and she (from the outside) did nothing to prevent it? What if they decided that my wife's upbringing was too straight forward? What if that's all fine but they think that we're completely irresponsible now?
A few nights ago, I dreamt that we got to panel and were declined because of my hairstyle. They saw it as being something that showed that i was immature. They then banned us from ever applying again.
The week before that, i suddenly thought about my tattoos. Now i don't have lots of really OTT crazy tattoos but i do have a few and one that has a huge amount of meaning behind it is on my forearm. What if we get through this whole process, we're approved, matched and go to meet our children with everything being fine. Once we get there, what happens if my tattoos set something off with them and they instantly distrust me?
I know these are only little things but they're still there and they're very much real.
Thursday, 1 May 2014
If you follow me on twitter, you'll know that i have been cracking one with my stage one homework recently and it's been going well.
We had our first visit from our stage one social worker this week so that she could help with/ask about our homework. She was pleased with our progress and was keen to talk about some of the bits that seemed a little silly etc.
One of the pieces of homework is for us to do our 'eco map'. This is basically a list of people and organisations who will be there to help with support etc when any children come to live with you. She mentioned that we shouldn't forget things like CAMHS and the agency as well as friends and family.
I mentioned that we'd listed twitter as a good source of support and she was very intrigued. I explained that i'd set up a new user and had linked up with lots of other people who are going through the process and have adopted and she was quite impressed.
So far in this journey, twitter has been incredible. the support and advice we've received has been second to none! The blogs we've connected with are brilliant, they're honest and informative in a way that we haven't experienced with the process yet. I'm so happy that i decided to set up a new user for this, it really is the best decision (other than which agency to go with) we've made to date.
When we were trying to conceive, we dabbled into the pregnancy and baby blogs and following people on twitter but were pretty much blanked. It felt like being the fat kid at school getting picked last for football, i was an outsider and boy did i know it.
The adoption gang has been the complete opposite and i'm so happy about it. I'm hoping to connect with more people over time, offer support where i can and have somewhere to turn when we need it.
Tuesday, 29 April 2014
Age
That may seem like a weird title to a blog post but since we started the process, age is something that has come up more and more.
Everyone we've told that we're hoping to adopt has asked about the age of the children we're interested in and when we say that we're thinking of up to the age of 7, theres 2 responses. The first is, "Oh but wouldn't you just prefer a baby??" and the other is, "But why 7?"
The first is a little annoying at worst but we explain that a baby isn't the be all and end all of parenting and they get it.
The second is a little more to do with our age. I'm still in my (late) 20s and my wife is only just in her 30s. If we had a child that was older, we're worried that they would feel even more out of place initially and then struggle more with attachment etc because of it.
Plus, if we turn up to school with a 10 year old, there'll be even more questions than there will have been anyway. The playground can be a very cliquey place anyway, we just don't want to add extra strain especially for a child that has been through the mill already. I'm not saying that this sort of stuff won't be an issue with a slightly younger child but i'm hoping it won't be as much of an issue.
Staying on the subject of our age, i feel young! The adoption circles seem to be mainly populated by people who are 35+ and each time i talk to people or see people at our agency, i'm feeling very aware of the fact that i'm a 20 something still.
Our agency haven't mentioned it at all and the fact that we've been together for over 10 years helps a lot but i'm still very aware of it. I'm hoping our maturity helps too, we've both been described as 'wiser than our years' since we were small.
I'm not sure whether being younger is going to go in our favour or not but i hope it does. After all, age isn't everything.
Everyone we've told that we're hoping to adopt has asked about the age of the children we're interested in and when we say that we're thinking of up to the age of 7, theres 2 responses. The first is, "Oh but wouldn't you just prefer a baby??" and the other is, "But why 7?"
The first is a little annoying at worst but we explain that a baby isn't the be all and end all of parenting and they get it.
The second is a little more to do with our age. I'm still in my (late) 20s and my wife is only just in her 30s. If we had a child that was older, we're worried that they would feel even more out of place initially and then struggle more with attachment etc because of it.
Plus, if we turn up to school with a 10 year old, there'll be even more questions than there will have been anyway. The playground can be a very cliquey place anyway, we just don't want to add extra strain especially for a child that has been through the mill already. I'm not saying that this sort of stuff won't be an issue with a slightly younger child but i'm hoping it won't be as much of an issue.
Staying on the subject of our age, i feel young! The adoption circles seem to be mainly populated by people who are 35+ and each time i talk to people or see people at our agency, i'm feeling very aware of the fact that i'm a 20 something still.
Our agency haven't mentioned it at all and the fact that we've been together for over 10 years helps a lot but i'm still very aware of it. I'm hoping our maturity helps too, we've both been described as 'wiser than our years' since we were small.
I'm not sure whether being younger is going to go in our favour or not but i hope it does. After all, age isn't everything.
Tuesday, 22 April 2014
My Pre Adoption Bucket list...
I was on twitter last night and the conversation came up about enjoying certain activities whilst you can before children move in.
That might sound a bit weird if you didn't catch the conversation but hopefully, when you see my list, you'll understand.
1) Enjoy going to the toilet in peace.
2) Enjoy showering without an audience.
3) Enjoy lie ins where possible.
4) Enjoy the quietness of the house.
5) Be more spontaneous.
6) Make more time for each other.
7) Go to as many gigs/shows as possible.
8) Declutter.
9) Go to the cinema more.
10) Go out for dinner as much as possible.
11) Spend lots of time with family and friends.
12) Watch as many films that aren't suitable for children as possible.
13) Watch as many TV series that aren't suitable for children as possible.
14) Read everything you can get your hands on.
15) Improve your fitness.
16) Make the most of the house being empty when it comes to getting out of the shower.
17) As above but enjoying each others company... 😉
18) Spend more time in the countryside.
19) Watch the ISS go over more often.
20) Laugh lots.
21) Spend more time in the garden.
22) Go on holiday.
23) Make plans for your last few child free weeks.
24) Think about Christmas and make plans to spend as much of it with family and friends. It may be the last Christmas you can for a while.
25) Work more now so that you don't have to when the children move in.
26) More training with the dogs.
I'm sure that there will be more added to the list over time but i think it's a pretty good list to start from!
Saturday, 19 April 2014
The case of the medical and the superhero pants...
Oh my word was that a nightmare!
I booked in no problems. I was told that it would take 45 minutes at most so blocked an hour and half out in my diary.
I got to the surgery early and expected to see a doctor that i had never seen before and i was right. He was lovely but had never done an adoption medical.
This was where the issues started. He went through the pleasantries and said how weird it was that this stuff had to be done for people that were adopting but anyone could have a baby at any point without the slightest batting of an eyelid.
He went through all of the basics of the form and detailed my history before getting to the nitty gritty bit. By this point, i'd already been there for the best part of an hour.
Next came the onslaught of weird test after weird test. I know they were weird because he said, "I haven't done this since medical school!" at least 3 or 4 times.
The weirdest, by far, was when he asked me to flash him. He needed to check the shape of my chest so asked me to stand in front of him and raise my top....if he wasn't a doctor, i would have to call him a pervert.
The most embarrassing part was when he had to check my glands. He explained that you have glands in your next, armpits and groin. Next thing i had to do was drop my pants and get on the bed...again with the 'if he wasn't a doctor' thing.
I dutifully dropped my jeans and got on the bed, completely forgetting that i had wonder woman pants on and didn't remember until i got home. I'm sure he'll remember that if i ever have to see him again!
It came to taking my blood pressure. At this point i have been in with the doctor for an hour and 15 minutes and i'm about to be late for work. Obviously, it's high. Not scary high but much higher than it should be. At this point we agree that we don't have enough time to finish off today so book another appointment for the following week to finish off.
The morning of the appointment, i find out my Mum had been mugged the evening before. I then realised (as i got to the surgery) that i had forgotten to bring any money with me. Bang goes the blood pressure again!!
My blood pressure was much better than the previous week but it was still higher than it should be so although it's not a problem for the form, i have been told to got to see a nurse next month just to get it checked again.
In the meantime i am going to be exercising more and watching what i eat more, i don't want this to turn into a problem that i could and should have prevented.
On a lighter note, the doctor let me take my form there and then so i took it down to the agency straightaway.
I booked in no problems. I was told that it would take 45 minutes at most so blocked an hour and half out in my diary.
I got to the surgery early and expected to see a doctor that i had never seen before and i was right. He was lovely but had never done an adoption medical.
This was where the issues started. He went through the pleasantries and said how weird it was that this stuff had to be done for people that were adopting but anyone could have a baby at any point without the slightest batting of an eyelid.
He went through all of the basics of the form and detailed my history before getting to the nitty gritty bit. By this point, i'd already been there for the best part of an hour.
Next came the onslaught of weird test after weird test. I know they were weird because he said, "I haven't done this since medical school!" at least 3 or 4 times.
The weirdest, by far, was when he asked me to flash him. He needed to check the shape of my chest so asked me to stand in front of him and raise my top....if he wasn't a doctor, i would have to call him a pervert.
The most embarrassing part was when he had to check my glands. He explained that you have glands in your next, armpits and groin. Next thing i had to do was drop my pants and get on the bed...again with the 'if he wasn't a doctor' thing.
I dutifully dropped my jeans and got on the bed, completely forgetting that i had wonder woman pants on and didn't remember until i got home. I'm sure he'll remember that if i ever have to see him again!
It came to taking my blood pressure. At this point i have been in with the doctor for an hour and 15 minutes and i'm about to be late for work. Obviously, it's high. Not scary high but much higher than it should be. At this point we agree that we don't have enough time to finish off today so book another appointment for the following week to finish off.
The morning of the appointment, i find out my Mum had been mugged the evening before. I then realised (as i got to the surgery) that i had forgotten to bring any money with me. Bang goes the blood pressure again!!
My blood pressure was much better than the previous week but it was still higher than it should be so although it's not a problem for the form, i have been told to got to see a nurse next month just to get it checked again.
In the meantime i am going to be exercising more and watching what i eat more, i don't want this to turn into a problem that i could and should have prevented.
On a lighter note, the doctor let me take my form there and then so i took it down to the agency straightaway.
Tuesday, 8 April 2014
Stage One and being a 'lady partner'
It's official!! We're in stage one!!!
We got the confirmation last Thursday and it's been full steam ahead ever since.
Our referees all received their forms and letters on Saturday, they've all started them and they've all asked to have a chat with us about them to give them the information to fill in any blanks.
I have my medical booked and my wife is booking hers in the next couple of days. Her doctors surgery has been a bit of a nightmare!
The receptionist wouldn't book her in until she'd seen the form. Once she saw the form she sent her away because she hadn't yet filled anything in and the woman that knows what to do with it wasn't it. She filled it in and called ahead of going in and spoke to the correct woman. She told her to bring the form in and they'll take it from there.
She went in after work that night and was almost jumped on by the woman in the know! She knew who she was and kept saying, 'Oh it's so lovely, i'm so proud of you!!" again and again. Then she asked for my form and when she explained that i'm at another doctors she was happy with that. She then turned to the receptionist and said, "oh isn't it lovely, *name* and her lady partner, oh i'm so proud of them!"
Wife left giggling, knowing that i would just love the new term!
We got the confirmation last Thursday and it's been full steam ahead ever since.
Our referees all received their forms and letters on Saturday, they've all started them and they've all asked to have a chat with us about them to give them the information to fill in any blanks.
I have my medical booked and my wife is booking hers in the next couple of days. Her doctors surgery has been a bit of a nightmare!
The receptionist wouldn't book her in until she'd seen the form. Once she saw the form she sent her away because she hadn't yet filled anything in and the woman that knows what to do with it wasn't it. She filled it in and called ahead of going in and spoke to the correct woman. She told her to bring the form in and they'll take it from there.
She went in after work that night and was almost jumped on by the woman in the know! She knew who she was and kept saying, 'Oh it's so lovely, i'm so proud of you!!" again and again. Then she asked for my form and when she explained that i'm at another doctors she was happy with that. She then turned to the receptionist and said, "oh isn't it lovely, *name* and her lady partner, oh i'm so proud of them!"
Wife left giggling, knowing that i would just love the new term!
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