It's obviously been a while since I blogged and so much has happened!!! I can't go into everything on here but i'll give you a brief overview.
We're well into the swing of buying for Big and Little now, they've got all of the essentials and their bedroom is coming together. Their social worker is proving to be a bit...awkward. We've asked very basic questions and she either seems to be dodging them or is quite indecisive when it comes to giving an answer.
The biggest thing we wanted to know was whether or not they are currently in the same room because we wanted to keep it consistent for them until we feel the need to change things. She could not answer the question at all. One day they are in the same room, the next they're not. It was driving us insane!
When we visited the foster carers, we got to see where they sleep and they are in the same room. Surely their social worker should have known that? Even our social worker said that she should be checking out their bedroom each time a visit happens. Couple that with her originally saying that she wanted a December panel then changing it to January. Then something else happened and it was February. Then when we did life appreciation day it suddenly became March because she couldn't possibly have the paperwork done in time.
On life appreciation day she also said that she'd sort some extra stuff out for us, nothing huge but stuff that will help with school admissions and then when we asked for it she's said that another social worker is now dealing with it. So frustrating, we completely respect that she's realistically over worked with very little 'spare' time but if that's the case, don't make promises that you can't keep.
There's lots of life story work stuff mentioned too because both children are going to need to be worked with more and more as time goes on as neither is completely understanding of why they are where they are. We asked if their life story books are going to be available for placement as someone is currently working on it and their social worker couldn't understand why we'd need it that early and stated that normally it only arrives once the order is through. She does like to contradict herself!! We have just booked to go on a course run by our agency about life story work though so we're hoping that helps us whether we get the books when they come home or not.
That's that rant over!
When it comes to details about Big and Little, we're keeping very quiet on it all. We're not (at least for now) revealing their genders or ages. It's a personal choice really, it's part of who they are and not even family knew anything until Christmas.
Family were over the moon and emotional when they saw the pictures and we started telling them all about their personalities and likes and dislikes. There were tears and hugs, lots of excitement and so many questions. It was so wonderful being able to finally talk openly about Big and Little, it's really made a difference to us.
The main thing i guess we're trying to focus on now is to try and be as prepared as possible. We know that they like to be up early so we've started getting up early and trying to be really quite active as soon as possible (walking our dogs or doing an exercise DVD etc) to hopefully help form the habit that we'll have to deal with for a long time. Intros are going to be fun...up before 5am to make sure we'll be there on time, eek!
We'll be starting their welcome DVD soon too, we're planning a trip to the country park that's fairly local with all sorts of fun and games on the playground. We're hoping a couple of the closer family members want to make an appearance too.
The thing i'm becoming quite aware of is that i am most definitely looking at the future with rose tinted specs on. I'm imagining the fantastic fun days out we'll have as a family and where we'll go and what we'll do. I'm very much aware of the behaviours that Big and Little are currently showing and that they're likely to intensify on placement but that hasn't fully hit home yet.
I don't know if anyone could go into this thinking everyday is going to be hell on earth and i don't think you can fully prepare for the shock of it until it's there in your home. We're both trying to come up with strategies and ideas that may help with certain needs that they both have and hoping that when the time comes, the training we've received from our agency will kick in and we'll handle things well enough. i know that this is just the beginning and i know that we'll have days when we want to do nothing more than curl up in a ball and hope it stops but right in the corner of that thought i can see a flash of a smile or a cuddle at the right time and know that we'll be alright.
I think everyone has rose tinted specs on to a certain extent and i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I think it can be a very bad thing but so long as you understand where your child(ren) is coming from and why certain things may happen and respect that and try to work through it with them rather than against them, i think you'll be just fine.
I'm starting to get quite stressed in quite a few ways now too. We've had to change our idea about being Mummy and Mommy (or Mum and Mom) because Big and Little's social worker doesn't think they'll ever get it. You would not believe the discussions we've had for hours about why we think it'll work just fine and our reasoning behind it. We've settled (for now...very much for now) on Mummy and Momma, i think it'll do for now but it's still giving me a shed load of anxiety.
Last night i barely slept at all. I had the Mommy/Momma thing going round my mind and then yesterday we found out Big's middle name and it's the same name we wanted to give them. It feels wrong to keep it because Little will be getting a new middle name so we spent ages searching the internet and discussing alternatives. All night i was trying to come up with an alternative and i just couldn't settle. We have now agreed on a new name that we do love, it has a twist too which makes is really meaningful to us both so we're really happy.
I also dreamt about doing our first letterbox letter to birth Mum which was so strange. I remember a lot of the stuff that i put in it and it feels bizarre to be thinking about it at the minute. When i eventually woke from the dream my jaw was absolutely killing me and wife told me that i'd be grinding my teeth, i've not done that in years and i've never done it so much that i've made my jaw hurt!
The stress of everything is starting to show i think, we've managed to get a good email relationship going with their foster carers and that is helping a hell of a lot, they answer all of our questions and have so far made it really easy for us.
Anyway, i think that's the latest stuff, sorry it's all a bit jumbled up and strange!
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Friday, 20 June 2014
Stage One
We're officially in Stage 2! We're really pleased that everything has gone relatively smoothly up until this point and just want to make a note of it all for future reference.
We were accepted onto Stage one in April and straight away we jumped into doing our homework (the enormous mountain of the stuff!!) and had our first workshop the following week.
The homework was more awkward that anything. Talking about yourself isn't something that comes naturally to a lot of people and we definitely fit in that category. Some questions were really simple to answer but others were difficult. To be asked what you feel your best characteristic is when it comes to being a parent and yet you've never been a parent, it's difficult. We both answered as honestly as we could and used friends and family to help with some of the difficult bits.
The workshops were really helpful, we covered a hell of a lot in the few hours that we had. We did an exercise with bits of string where one of the group had to be a child that was about to be adopted but we had to think of all of the people that had been in her life up until that point and how she felt about them and what they meant to her. We both found that exercise in particular, very helpful.
In the following workshop, we had a discussion about the specifics of abuse (i've mentioned this in another post) which again was helpful but draining.
We have been reading lots of blogs during stage one and we're going to point family and friends in their direction a little later on in the process.
We've both read 'Creating Loving Attachments' too. I have found this to be seriously helpful and have already recommended it to someone who is struggling and arguing lots with her birth children. Even when we've been babysitting for our many nephews, we've tried to use some of the stuff mentioned to try and get us used to it. What with that and Nick King's (follow the guy on twitter, lots of laughs and some good advice from time to time) '7 second rule', we're awesome babysitters! Not 100% sure about how it'll transfer when we have our children but we're starting as we mean to go on.
We had our end of stage one interview with our agency, this took us a little by surprise. We weren't told anything about it before we got there then were told that it takes about 3 hours...totally shocked but tried to hide it and answer everything as well as we could. It all seemed to go well although with hindsight, we both agreed that we could have answered some of the questions much better and at the end we were told that both social workers were happy for us to proceed but the manager had to sign off.
After that we were both relieved and started talking more about what we were expecting in stage 2.
Weirdly, i then had a wobble for a couple of days where the thought of becoming a parent terrified me. One thing that i've learnt through reading about PACE is the importance of acceptance and that starting with the acceptance of your child's 'inner life'.
Knowing that and experiencing the fear that i was, i suddenly realised that i need to accept it. It might sound strange but i was scared for a reason, i was scared that i couldn't cope with the sorts of behaviours we might be faced but regardless of how much i tried to deny it, i would still feel that way and that's fine.
Since then i have accepted that it's fine to be scared. I think that if you're not all scared about the prospect of suddenly having a child or two move in with you forever, that's a little weird.
We are going to face challenges that we've never had to face before and that is scary and intimidating but we are so determined to do everything we can to make it work. We're determined to learn as much as possible between here and there and then to continue that learning for as long as possible.
We're not always going to get it right but the fact that we care enough to want to always get it right speaks volumes.
Thank you to those of you on Twitter that helped me see that.
We were accepted onto Stage one in April and straight away we jumped into doing our homework (the enormous mountain of the stuff!!) and had our first workshop the following week.
The homework was more awkward that anything. Talking about yourself isn't something that comes naturally to a lot of people and we definitely fit in that category. Some questions were really simple to answer but others were difficult. To be asked what you feel your best characteristic is when it comes to being a parent and yet you've never been a parent, it's difficult. We both answered as honestly as we could and used friends and family to help with some of the difficult bits.
The workshops were really helpful, we covered a hell of a lot in the few hours that we had. We did an exercise with bits of string where one of the group had to be a child that was about to be adopted but we had to think of all of the people that had been in her life up until that point and how she felt about them and what they meant to her. We both found that exercise in particular, very helpful.
In the following workshop, we had a discussion about the specifics of abuse (i've mentioned this in another post) which again was helpful but draining.
We have been reading lots of blogs during stage one and we're going to point family and friends in their direction a little later on in the process.
We've both read 'Creating Loving Attachments' too. I have found this to be seriously helpful and have already recommended it to someone who is struggling and arguing lots with her birth children. Even when we've been babysitting for our many nephews, we've tried to use some of the stuff mentioned to try and get us used to it. What with that and Nick King's (follow the guy on twitter, lots of laughs and some good advice from time to time) '7 second rule', we're awesome babysitters! Not 100% sure about how it'll transfer when we have our children but we're starting as we mean to go on.
We had our end of stage one interview with our agency, this took us a little by surprise. We weren't told anything about it before we got there then were told that it takes about 3 hours...totally shocked but tried to hide it and answer everything as well as we could. It all seemed to go well although with hindsight, we both agreed that we could have answered some of the questions much better and at the end we were told that both social workers were happy for us to proceed but the manager had to sign off.
After that we were both relieved and started talking more about what we were expecting in stage 2.
Weirdly, i then had a wobble for a couple of days where the thought of becoming a parent terrified me. One thing that i've learnt through reading about PACE is the importance of acceptance and that starting with the acceptance of your child's 'inner life'.
Knowing that and experiencing the fear that i was, i suddenly realised that i need to accept it. It might sound strange but i was scared for a reason, i was scared that i couldn't cope with the sorts of behaviours we might be faced but regardless of how much i tried to deny it, i would still feel that way and that's fine.
Since then i have accepted that it's fine to be scared. I think that if you're not all scared about the prospect of suddenly having a child or two move in with you forever, that's a little weird.
We are going to face challenges that we've never had to face before and that is scary and intimidating but we are so determined to do everything we can to make it work. We're determined to learn as much as possible between here and there and then to continue that learning for as long as possible.
We're not always going to get it right but the fact that we care enough to want to always get it right speaks volumes.
Thank you to those of you on Twitter that helped me see that.
Thursday, 15 May 2014
Workshops
We attended our second workshop as part of stage one yesterday and i felt the need to blog about it.
The first briefly covered loss and grief, contact, becoming part of a minority group and legal issues. This was very informative and we both came away having learnt more than we were expecting and both had a different perspective of things from the childs point of view.
This week we attended the workshop dealing with child development, attachment, abuse and trauma and parenting, healing and hope.
This was a different kettle of fish. The abuse and trauma sections really had an impact on me to the point where i was exhausted by the time we got home and it wasn't even 8pm. I think it's completely normal to be in a situation where you're thinking about abuse and its effects (affects?!? i never know the difference) for it to have that sort of impact. It was mentally draining.
Whilst we were talking about abuse we had to give examples of neglect, emotional, sexual and physical abuse and domestic violence. All of that was fine and completely understandable but a couple of things that were said proved to be very controversial in the room.
When we were discussing emotional abuse, someone said that post natal depression was a form of abuse. Quite a few of us were shocked that it came up in that context without explanation and one woman spoke up. She was very unhappy with it being classed as abuse and gave examples of friends who would have been mortified to hear the same thing after going through it themselves.
I completely agreed with her. I personally don't think that PND is abusive. I think the repercussions of it can be in certain circumstances but this wasn't considered until it was challenged.
The next thing that was difficult was discussing sexual abuse. This is never going to be an easy subject for anyone to discuss, we all know that it happens and what it entails but to sit and talk about the technicalities and exactly what goes on is a whole other ball game.
So far this has been the only thing that has made me uncomfortable. It sounds daft as a grown adult but sex has never been something that has been discussed in my family (apart from the time that my Granny had a serious water infection and was convinced that the doctors were trying to have sex with her!) and to discuss it out in the open like that was weird. I know that makes me sound immature but even now, sex is a taboo subject with my lot.
We've been having lots of discussions about the sorts of children we feel that we'd be able to adopt and we've both said that we don't feel as though we have the right skills to be able to raise a child who has been sexually abused. The social workers made a point of basically saying that we can't say no to sexual abuse because they can't possible know everything before a child is placed.
This bothered us both again because if something came up then we would find a way to deal with it whilst keeping our children's best interests at heart but neither of us feel comfortable with taking on a child who is known to have experienced sexual abuse.
All in all, yesterday was tiring!
The first briefly covered loss and grief, contact, becoming part of a minority group and legal issues. This was very informative and we both came away having learnt more than we were expecting and both had a different perspective of things from the childs point of view.
This week we attended the workshop dealing with child development, attachment, abuse and trauma and parenting, healing and hope.
This was a different kettle of fish. The abuse and trauma sections really had an impact on me to the point where i was exhausted by the time we got home and it wasn't even 8pm. I think it's completely normal to be in a situation where you're thinking about abuse and its effects (affects?!? i never know the difference) for it to have that sort of impact. It was mentally draining.
Whilst we were talking about abuse we had to give examples of neglect, emotional, sexual and physical abuse and domestic violence. All of that was fine and completely understandable but a couple of things that were said proved to be very controversial in the room.
When we were discussing emotional abuse, someone said that post natal depression was a form of abuse. Quite a few of us were shocked that it came up in that context without explanation and one woman spoke up. She was very unhappy with it being classed as abuse and gave examples of friends who would have been mortified to hear the same thing after going through it themselves.
I completely agreed with her. I personally don't think that PND is abusive. I think the repercussions of it can be in certain circumstances but this wasn't considered until it was challenged.
The next thing that was difficult was discussing sexual abuse. This is never going to be an easy subject for anyone to discuss, we all know that it happens and what it entails but to sit and talk about the technicalities and exactly what goes on is a whole other ball game.
So far this has been the only thing that has made me uncomfortable. It sounds daft as a grown adult but sex has never been something that has been discussed in my family (apart from the time that my Granny had a serious water infection and was convinced that the doctors were trying to have sex with her!) and to discuss it out in the open like that was weird. I know that makes me sound immature but even now, sex is a taboo subject with my lot.
We've been having lots of discussions about the sorts of children we feel that we'd be able to adopt and we've both said that we don't feel as though we have the right skills to be able to raise a child who has been sexually abused. The social workers made a point of basically saying that we can't say no to sexual abuse because they can't possible know everything before a child is placed.
This bothered us both again because if something came up then we would find a way to deal with it whilst keeping our children's best interests at heart but neither of us feel comfortable with taking on a child who is known to have experienced sexual abuse.
All in all, yesterday was tiring!
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
The worries
At this moment in time, we are throwing ourselves pretty much completely into the unknown. We don't know what stage 2 is going to reveal, we don't know how we're going to react to any of it and we certainly don't know what our social worker thinks of us.
Most of it, we're pretty confident about dealing with, however, there are little things that i keep thinking about and over analysing.
My upbringing was not great. After speaking with my Mum about things recently, we're both pretty convinced that if it was now, i probably would have ended up in care. Mainly down to my Mum's ex and the abuse we all suffered as a family thanks to him but my Mum being bipolar really wouldn't have helped matters.
Is that going to go against us? Is the fact that my Mum and I get on really well now even though lots of stuff happened back then and she (from the outside) did nothing to prevent it? What if they decided that my wife's upbringing was too straight forward? What if that's all fine but they think that we're completely irresponsible now?
A few nights ago, I dreamt that we got to panel and were declined because of my hairstyle. They saw it as being something that showed that i was immature. They then banned us from ever applying again.
The week before that, i suddenly thought about my tattoos. Now i don't have lots of really OTT crazy tattoos but i do have a few and one that has a huge amount of meaning behind it is on my forearm. What if we get through this whole process, we're approved, matched and go to meet our children with everything being fine. Once we get there, what happens if my tattoos set something off with them and they instantly distrust me?
I know these are only little things but they're still there and they're very much real.
Most of it, we're pretty confident about dealing with, however, there are little things that i keep thinking about and over analysing.
My upbringing was not great. After speaking with my Mum about things recently, we're both pretty convinced that if it was now, i probably would have ended up in care. Mainly down to my Mum's ex and the abuse we all suffered as a family thanks to him but my Mum being bipolar really wouldn't have helped matters.
Is that going to go against us? Is the fact that my Mum and I get on really well now even though lots of stuff happened back then and she (from the outside) did nothing to prevent it? What if they decided that my wife's upbringing was too straight forward? What if that's all fine but they think that we're completely irresponsible now?
A few nights ago, I dreamt that we got to panel and were declined because of my hairstyle. They saw it as being something that showed that i was immature. They then banned us from ever applying again.
The week before that, i suddenly thought about my tattoos. Now i don't have lots of really OTT crazy tattoos but i do have a few and one that has a huge amount of meaning behind it is on my forearm. What if we get through this whole process, we're approved, matched and go to meet our children with everything being fine. Once we get there, what happens if my tattoos set something off with them and they instantly distrust me?
I know these are only little things but they're still there and they're very much real.
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