6 months in...

How the hell has that happened!? Goodness knows.

It's been tough but i figured that i'd do a top tips and things we've come to realise sort of blog.

Ask the foster carer(s) every single question you can think of. Foster carers know more than most of the other professionals involved but don't necessarily know what you want or need to know. Our LOs FCs were great but were surprised at how many questions we asked. They've been foster carers for over 20 years but have never been asked so many questions.

You will be blamed for everything the kids have been through. They don't realise and in some cases won't intend to but each time they realise that something was off or start coming to terms with something that happened with BPs, you will be blamed in every way a person can be.

CPRs have only half of what you need to know in them. Ours are horrendous. Things that happened that are extreme are no where to be seen. So much information missing and potentially (although we have no way of proving it) some lies from Voldemort.

You will have to fight for support. Do not rely on the kids social worker to inform other people involved, Voldemort didn't and as a result we really had to fight and if it wasn't for the support of our agency i really don't think we would have had any support yet.

Adopting is work. All day everyday you will work your arse off and the chances are it won't feel like you're making any progress for a long long time. We're just starting to see some steps forward now and that is quick.

Please, please, please choose your agency carefully. Our agency are always going above and beyond to ensure that we have everything we need. We've come so close to disrupting in the last couple of months and they've saved our arses over and over again, i can not stress that enough.

Talk to and keep in touch with as many adopters as you can. Friends, family, teachers etc may get it but they aren't living it day in day out and the only people who truly appreciate what it takes are other adopters.

School can make all of the difference. Our school is amazing, they respect us, our ideas and our parenting style. They never question us and are always keeping us up to date with what's happening with both of our kids. They don't pressure the kids and are constantly readjusting what they already know.

This is only really brief, i could go on for hours but i think these are the key points.

Matching!!

Last week we went to matching panel. We'd had a few bumps in the road on the way with late requests for medical stuff to be done and Big and Little's social worker basically not doing her bloody job which resulted in a breakdown of her and our social workers professional relation but we made it.

We set off mega early which ended up being a good thing because it took twice the time we were expecting to get there. We met our social worker in the car park and walked over with her. It was her first matching panel so she was really nervous but neither of us were, it was kind of weird. The anticipation of what was about to happen was definitely there but nerves weren't a factor.

When we got over to the location another social worker from our agency was there (she had done our stage one stuff) which was amazing. When Big and Little's social worker walked in completely unprofessionally, her face was a picture!! B&L's social worker didn't even acknowledge either of our social workers which was pretty infuriating actually.

The time came for us to go into panel so we all filtered into what was a tiny room really for 16 people to be in but we managed it in the end. Panel were great actually, everything was very much transparent, all questions were asked with us in the room which no doubt annoyed the crap out of B&L's social worker because they ripped her work to shreds!!! She was asked so many more questions than we were, they got her to admit that she'd not done work she should have done (which she now has to do) and the biggest thing...they got her to admit that one of the proposed contact arrangements for the future is not in the best interests of Big and Little!!!! We were in shock!!! The best thing though was when they told our social worker that her paperwork was outstanding, i think we all smiled quite openly when that came out.

Next we had to wait again in the waiting room. It didn't take long at all, Wife reckons it was only about 3 minutes and we were asked back in. It was a unanimous yes!!!! I started crying pretty much instantly, as much as we were expecting everything to be smooth, i think it was shock.

When we left panel to go to the planning meeting, we got chance to have a quiet chat with our social workers, they were so happy for us. Our social worker has been so amazing and supportive, she really has made an incredible difference. Comments soon turned to what panel said about her report, she was beaming!

Planning meeting went well, we managed to compromise on how long we'll be doing initially, the LA wanted us on full days from day one but we've managed to get it down to a few hours with the potential for a break in the middle which suits us fine.

As the week has gone on my Mum has become more and more of a nightmare. honestly, she's been completely over bearing and has started to take some of our excitement away. She's interfered in areas where there's been absolutely no need for her to and as a result we decided to get our letter to family and friends sorted sooner rather than later. We used the letter on this link and edited (quite heavily really) to suit our LOs. The reaction to it has been amazing, everyone has loved it, a couple of people have had that moment of realisation about what adoption truly means on a day to day basis because of it but above all, in 1 full day, i only got 2 messages from my Mum!!!! Woo!!

The best thing that's happened since matching panel...we got to speak on the phone with Big and Little!! Hearing their voices again after so long was amazing. Big told us what they wanted to do when we meet them, Little told us their favourite part of the DVD we did (the DVD is a huge hit btw, huge!) it was just amazing. I was grinning from ear to ear after that few minute chat!!

So here we are, on the morning of introductions, it's  4:48am and i haven't slept a wink since about 2:30. I don't think i'm nervous, i'm just so conscious that this is it, there's no changing anything from this point forwards, we are parents and we have to do the best job possible. I just hope that i'm up to the task!

Preparing for the arrival of Big and Little

It's obviously been a while since I blogged and so much has happened!!! I can't go into everything on here but i'll give you a brief overview.

We're well into the swing of buying for Big and Little now, they've got all of the essentials and their bedroom is coming together. Their social worker is proving to be a bit...awkward. We've asked very basic questions and she either seems to be dodging them or is quite indecisive when it comes to giving an answer.

The biggest thing we wanted to know was whether or not they are currently in the same room because we wanted to keep it consistent for them until we feel the need to change things. She could not answer the question at all. One day they are in the same room, the next they're not. It was driving us insane!

When we visited the foster carers, we got to see where they sleep and they are in the same room. Surely their social worker should have known that? Even our social worker said that she should be checking out their bedroom each time a visit happens. Couple that with her originally saying that she wanted a December panel then changing it to January. Then something else happened and it was February. Then when we did life appreciation day it suddenly became March because she couldn't possibly have the paperwork done in time.

On life appreciation day she also said that she'd sort some extra stuff out for us, nothing huge but stuff that will help with school admissions and then when we asked for it she's said that another social worker is now dealing with it. So frustrating, we completely respect that she's realistically over worked with very little 'spare' time but if that's the case, don't make promises that you can't keep.

There's lots of life story work stuff mentioned too because both children are going to need to be worked with more and more as time goes on as neither is completely understanding of why they are where they are. We asked if their life story books are going to be available for placement as someone is currently working on it and their social worker couldn't understand why we'd need it that early and stated that normally it only arrives once the order is through. She does like to contradict herself!! We have just booked to go on a course run by our agency about life story work though so we're hoping that helps us whether we get the books when they come home or not.

That's that rant over!

When it comes to details about Big and Little, we're keeping very quiet on it all. We're not (at least for now) revealing their genders or ages. It's a personal choice really, it's part of who they are and not even family knew anything until Christmas.

Family were over the moon and emotional when they saw the pictures and we started telling them all about their personalities and likes and dislikes. There were tears and hugs, lots of excitement and so many questions. It was so wonderful being able to finally talk openly about Big and Little, it's really made a difference to us.

The main thing i guess we're trying to focus on now is to try and be as prepared as possible. We know that they like to be up early so we've started getting up early and trying to be really quite active as soon as possible (walking our dogs or doing an exercise DVD etc) to hopefully help form the habit that we'll have to deal with for a long time. Intros are going to be fun...up before 5am to make sure we'll be there on time, eek!

We'll be starting their welcome DVD soon too, we're planning a trip to the country park that's fairly local with all sorts of fun and games on the playground. We're hoping a couple of the closer family members want to make an appearance too.

The thing i'm becoming quite aware of is that i am most definitely looking at the future with rose tinted specs on. I'm imagining the fantastic fun days out we'll have as a family and where we'll go and what we'll do. I'm very much aware of the behaviours that Big and Little are currently showing and that they're likely to intensify on placement but that hasn't fully hit home yet.

I don't know if anyone could go into this thinking everyday is going to be hell on earth and i don't think you can fully prepare for the shock of it until it's there in your home. We're both trying to come up with strategies and ideas that may help with certain needs that they both have and hoping that when the time comes, the training we've received from our agency will kick in and we'll handle things well enough. i know that this is just the beginning and i know that we'll have days when we want to do nothing more than curl up in a ball and hope it stops but right in the corner of that thought i can see a flash of a smile or a cuddle at the right time and know that we'll be alright.

I think everyone has rose tinted specs on to a certain extent and i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I think it can be a very bad thing but so long as you understand where your child(ren) is coming from and why certain things may happen and respect that and try to work through it with them rather than against them, i think you'll be just fine.

I'm starting to get quite stressed in quite a few ways now too. We've had to change our idea about being Mummy and Mommy (or Mum and Mom) because Big and Little's social worker doesn't think they'll ever get it. You would not believe the discussions we've had for hours about why we think it'll work just fine and our reasoning behind it. We've settled (for now...very much for now) on Mummy and Momma, i think it'll do for now but it's still giving me a shed load of anxiety.

Last night i barely slept at all. I had the Mommy/Momma thing going round my mind and then yesterday we found out Big's middle name and it's the same name we wanted to give them. It feels wrong to keep it because Little will be getting a new middle name so we spent ages searching the internet and discussing alternatives. All night i was trying to come up with an alternative and i just couldn't settle. We have now agreed on a new name that we do love, it has a twist too which makes is really meaningful to us both so we're really happy.

I also dreamt about doing our first letterbox letter to birth Mum which was so strange. I remember a lot of the stuff that i put in it and it feels bizarre to be thinking about it at the minute. When i eventually woke from the dream my jaw was absolutely killing me and wife told me that i'd be grinding my teeth, i've not done that in years and i've never done it so much that i've made my jaw hurt!

The stress of everything is starting to show i think, we've managed to get a good email relationship going with their foster carers and that is helping a hell of a lot, they answer all of our questions and have so far made it really easy for us.

Anyway, i think that's the latest stuff, sorry it's all a bit jumbled up and strange!

Homefinding

This so far the weirdest and most difficult part of the whole process. We knew it was going to be but the reality of it is bizarre.

It all started with a letter inviting us to our home finding seminar and an additional sheet had a list of events happening in and around our area in the coming weeks/months. We decided on the events we wanted to attend and told our social worker.

Within a few days, we were going to our first exchange evening. I'm not sure what either of us were expecting but the reality was strange. We walked into a room and met up with some of the other people from our workshops and had a good catch up.

After the welcome chat with the hosting authority, we were free to look at the 30 ish profiles dotted around the room from 4 reasonably local authorities. That's when things got really weird. Looking at pictures of beautiful children and instantly saying, yes or no or too young or too close to us felt wrong in a way that i don't think I've ever experienced before.

Our home finding social workers were there for support and a chat whenever we felt like we needed it and we did. We had a sit down and chat with them about panel coming up and general life. After a while they asked if there was anyone we had noticed or wanted more information on and we mentioned that the only one we'd seen was one over the other side but nothing had grabbed us as such. They arranged for their profiles to be sent over to us after the event.

After we left, i felt really strange. I couldn't explain why i just knew that i felt really weird about the whole exchange evening thing. There was nothing in particular that got to me, it just unsettled me in a way i wasn't expecting. 48 hours later the same thing hit my wife and she couldn't explain it. With the way it happened to both of us, be prepared to experience a similar thing if you attend an event like that.

Not long after the exchange evening we went to an activity day. We'd heard all sorts about these activity days and were both looking forward to it and incredibly nervous. We made sure our minimal costumes were in place and went for it.

The introduction to the day was quick and easy, there'd been some children drop out and a couple of last minute additions, don't do this, do that, the food was being served last so go have fun and play with some kids.

We didn't know where to start, the weather was absolutely awful so the only thing we knew was that we wouldn't be going outside for now at least. We decided on the craft room and sat down at a table to make something that matched the theme of the day. Before long we had a child and a social worker sit with us and within a couple of minutes, we were chatting easily. I don't think we could have chosen a more perfect start to the day!!

We spent about 15 minutes chatting and crafting and when we'd finished making our thing, we thanked the child for all of their help and moved on to the next thing...play doh!!! i love play doh. Not sure i will when it's trampled into the carpet but as things stand, i love play doh. A little note here, if you do go to an activity day and are at a table with children playing and there's no chairs, kneel down, we were the only ones who did (including the people there with birth/previously adopted children) and it made a big difference.

When we got to the table, we realised that 2 of the children there were the ones who's profile we'd seen not long ago so we were curious to see what they were like. It took about a minute to get talking and playing and helping them with bits and have them help us. We named a bit of play doh that looked like a caterpillar, much to the delight of the oldest one.

After a while we realised that we'd spent quite a bit of time with them so thought it best to move on. We sat down with another couple of siblings and started helping one of them make something else that matched the theme well. The older of the two was easy to talk to, a little reluctant to let us help with the task but did after a little encouragement. The younger of the two wouldn't engage at all, neither us or their foster carer could get them to talk to us or respond to any questions, at one point i was hit with something they were holding. Looking back on the behaviour that child displayed, it could be a very clear indicator of some bigger issues.

We'd been at this table for about 5 minutes when the children from the exchange evening appeared and started talking to my wife straight away. It didn't take much time for me to join in and we all helped each other with some designing and gluing and sticking. It felt easy with them in a way i wasn't expecting. We again became conscious of being seen to be spending a lot of time with them so decided to move on to a different room.

On the way out, we caught up with their foster carer and asked a few questions based on what we had seen and what we'd read in their profiles. She was very honest about them, told us about their challenges and some of the things they're overcoming/have overcome since being with her and then they appeared from round the corner so we stopped our chat and decided to go to the quiet room.

On the way through to it, i asked wife how she was feeling and her response summed up where i was perfectly..."I can see it." At that point we realised that we had spent almost an hour and half with them. I started getting really emotional too so we had a good sit down to try and let things settle before going out again.

Our home finding social workers were there so we mentioned that we were definitely interested in pursuing things with them and would be registering our interest which we did at the end of the day.

We wanted to get outside since the weather had improved significantly so out we went only to get out there and realise that they were out there too!! We stopped and watched them for a little while from afar (again not wanting to look like we were hovering around the same children) and a BAAF person came and had a chat with us.

We didn't really end up talking to many more children, a couple very briefly but that was it. Overall, i thoroughly recommend going to an activity day. The children get a full day with a party like atmosphere and it gives you a small glimpse into what the children are like behind the profiles.

We emailed our social worker and told her about the people we'd met and she was really pleased. She got straight on to their social worker to try and arrange an exchange of our PAR and their CPRs which was awkward because ours had to be anonymised and we weren't allowed to see theirs because we weren't approved yet. It didn't happen straight away but it did eventually and that was when we were told that we were in a competitive matching situation. That really stung. Our social worker reassured us whilst trying to make sure we were remaining sensible but it really got to us. She read their CPR's and called us the following night.

Waiting for that call was horrible. She ended up calling earlier that she'd arranged which made it so much better on us but the waiting stuff is not fun. She gave us an overview of everything she had read and asked us how we felt about it. Hearing about the things these children had been through was strange but on a positive note, the 3 of us started getting really quite enthusiastic about our ability to parent these children.

Next was panel. We were approved!! Woo!!

Just after panel we heard back from their social worker saying that she wants to arrange a meeting with us and stating that we are no longer in a competitive matching situation.....our social worker had emailed that over to us after she'd been away for a weekend and only saw it at almost midnight, i woke at about 6am and checked my phone only to burst out crying whilst waking wife up to tell her. We were being seriously considered to parent these children!!!!

That meeting came, we discussed a lot of stuff, asked and answered a lot of questions, ate cake, drank tea, had a tour of the house and garden, looked at pictures and watched a DVD of them. Their social worker seemed to be really on board, our social worker is and so are we. We know that the children are going to need a lot of support going forwards but nothing is worrying us when it comes to our ability to parent them, everything we've heard and every question asked/answered has made sense to us.

In conclusion......it's official....WE'RE LINKED!!!!

Anonymity

Something seems to have come up on twitter recently, both myself and someone else (i can't remember who it was) realised that even if you're account is locked, you can be tweeted by people who don't follow you.

This lead me to think about overall internet privacy especially in regards to adoption. I'm normally quite an open person and don't hide much but recently, i've become more and more aware of the impact that could have on our children. 

We don't know the background that our children come from and don't know how safe we will be to put details about them online in any form. We don't know who might be watching everything we tweet, what is there to stop a genuine birth parent from posing as an adopter, getting talking to one of us and then discovering who you are just because you've slipped up without thinking on a couple of things and then have them turn up on a twitter meet up that you invited them to where your children are there? 

That absolutely terrifies me, the children that we end up adopting are going to come from a situation that is at best detrimental to their health and development but could well be life threatening. 

It's a big 'if' when you're talking about these things but you just don't know who knows who, how many times have you seen a friend talking to someone on Facebook that you know from a completely different social circle? What if one of their friends is a friend of a birth parent? Especially if you adopt through a fairly local authority, these things can and i'm sure do happen.

We've decided between us that we won't be announcing the genders of our children, their ages or birthdays, any of their physical features, no pictures from the neck up (maybe even not at all), no names, basically nothing that can be used to identify them. 

The same goes for us though, we won't tell people on twitter anything recognisable about us unless we actually meet them. No jobs, no birthdays, no anniversaries, no 'we're going to see X in concert tonight', no mention of the region we live in, no mention of the name of our agency, as little as possible. 

The risk to our children is just too great, lots of chance things have to come together for anyone significant to find us but it's possible. Nothing on the internet is ever safe and as the most basic thing,  it'll be our job as parents to make sure that our children are.

Interview

We decided on our our agency! 

We went to our LA's open evening and we both absolutely hated it. There were lots of reasons for it, mainly the fact that they didn't seem like they wanted to offer any additional support post adoption. 

The words 'obligated' and 'obligation' were used easily 40 times in the couple of hours we were there. It really put us off. Our overall impression of them was awful, they seem to treat it like a business and made us feel like we would be queuing up in Argos waiting to see our children. Awful experience.

It was so far from what we want to have that we've said that we really want to move before our 3 years post adoption is up just so we can avoid having to deal with them if the time ever comes.

Anyway, after that we made the definite decision that agency number one is the one for us. They're just better for us, they really are pretty much exactly what we said we wanted and so much more!

We had the self assessment form in a email ready to be filled in so as soon as we got home from the LA meeting, we got straight on it. We decided that we'd send it first thing in the morning just in case someone had left their email on or something daft.

The next morning came and we sent it after having some minor issues with emails on the macbook. A few minutes later though, i realised that it had been sent from an email address that i set up as a teen....a really silly and embarrassing email address. 

After a few emails back and forth I made sure that they had the real email address, much to the amusement of the staff i'm sure! As it turned out, the person who needed to look at the form was on annual leave so we wouldn't hear back until Monday at earliest.

To cut a long story short, Monday came and we booked our phone interview for this morning with a social worker.

The call went really well, she asked us about our childhoods and asked some additional questions about bits on the form. She also told us about workshop dates... we've taken this as a very good sign!!

Just have to wait until next week now to hear back from the manager....we're feeling hopeful though!

Open Evenings...

So last night was the date of what was supposed to be our first open evening but because i've been so keen to crack on with everything, i found another one to go to last week.

We arrived later than we anticipated due to traffic but when we arrived everyone was very friendly and welcoming, they made sure that we had our information packs and had signed in so that they knew who we are and then they sorted us with a drink and a biscuit (bonus!).

Once we sat down, we watched a quick presentation about the agency and generally about fostering and adoption. After that there was a quick introduction to the agencies team and to some members of the adoption team of one of the local authorities near us (we are right on the cusp of one LA and in another so we have options there too) who work in partnership with the agency to try and provide the best possible support.

Once the official bit were talked through, we had a chat with an adopter who has recently gone through the process which again was great.

Lots of information was given to us and every question we could think of was answered. It was great to see the LA and VA working together even though it was only an information night. They were all incredibly relaxed and it was honestly brilliant.

When we left, we were so excited about everything and talked everything through for a good couple of hours. It was inspiring!

Fast forward a week and off we went to another agency for another evening.

Straight away, it just didn't feel the same. We had a talk from a couple of social workers and talked with some new parents which again was very informative and we learnt some new things about the process.

We got another information pack and spoke to some other people at the end. One of the social workers asked us some questions but didn't seem to be too interested in our answers, she even mentioned that she was hoping to still be able to watch her soaps when she got home. Weird thing to say so far as we're concerned.

Anyway, when we left i asked my wife which agency she was feeling best about. She was reluctant to say at first until i said that i didn't know why necessarily but it was definitely the first and she agreed and said that it was because she didn't know why that she was worried about saying something.

We spent much of the evening discussing it again and asking twitter what they thought and decided that our gut instinct is the best tool we have so to go with it.

Now for one more open evening with the LA who's boundaries we live within during fostering and adoption week and we'll be going for stage one!!