Intros and those first few weeks of being a family

I completely and utterly forgot that i blogged on the morning of intros! Anyway, here's a quick overview of our life for the last month or so.

The first day of intros was...awkward. Wife had a serious case of food poisoning which had her up vomiting from 2am, as we were about to leave, the other end started. It was awful! She felt so rubbish all day and all Big and Little wanted to do was run and bounce on the trampoline.

When we walked into the foster carers Big and Little were there and just stared at us. Big came to me and Little to Wife, we sat on the sofa and both of them stared at us. Big kept looking me right in the eyes and smiling their little head off. Later that day, Big told me that they had been dreaming of me, absolutely melted my heart!

Foster carer was great from the get go, no awkwardness with us and let us get on with it. We got a great family photo done at the park that is strange to look at now, it's almost as if none of us look like the same people.

Overall introductions were very successful. Neither of us felt like we'd "gone through" introductions if that makes sense? It was all going very, very smoothly and we were all very happy. By day 3 i started to feel the big L and was getting incredibly emotional. Wife wasn't there at all at that point, she likes them very much but not there with anything else.

Both Big and Little were getting very confused with all the back and forth business, we kept saying that this was their forever home but you can't stay here today and that just didn't make sense to them. We had to do lots of reassurance over the 8 days and made sure that they knew exactly when we would be there etc and that helped so much.

The worst thing about intros was actually Big and Little's goodbye party. We just felt so out of place, neither B or L were really that bothered about us for the most part because so much was going on. People kept telling us how lucky they are (infuriating!!) and how we don't even know what's about to hit us etc etc. Lots of needless small talk that just isn't really relevant to us or adoption in general and people thinking they know all about parenting a traumatised child because their great uncles second cousins nephew was adopted in 1753.

Forever family day arrived at the right time, we were all fed up of the endless driving and going back and forth all the time. We picked them up and said a very quick goodbye to the foster carer and got in the car. I was fine until the foster carer hugged me and i collapsed in a flood of tears. Wife decided to drive so i could gather myself but the whole exchange only lasted about 3 or 4 minutes, it was just so intense and i really felt like i was severing a limb or something. Very strange feeling knowing that you can't just ask that question or be reassured by that nod from the other side of the room suddenly. We have kept in touch and plan to do so in the future, they have made such a difference to B&L's lives, the change in them is phenomenal, they're barely recognisable as the same children who went into care.

The drive home was very quiet, neither B or L spoke much at all until B broke down about 20 minutes from home. We decided that the best thing we could do was to reassure them and i decided to hold their hand and stroke it from the front. It seemed to work and they calmed down and just sat holding my hand for ages afterwards.

Each day we have a thing that has to be done for Big. Big does not like it but it has to be done. Doing this on forever family day is where our wonderfully happy family dynamic started to crack apart big time. It was also the first time i was punched by my child, it was hell and it really did show us exactly how things were going to be from that point on.

Over the next week, things got worse and worse. Big hit, kicked, punched, spat, screamed, shouted, shoved, strangled, pinched, you name it really and Big did it. Going in the car was filling us with dread, it was becoming dangerous within 5 minutes of getting in the car and we were stopping, we just didn't know what to do for the best.

We turned to our trusty Twitter community and our social worker. Lots of people suggested getting an mp3 player each so that they were distracted in the car and not focussing on each other and that has honestly worked wonders!!! The first day we tried it, we managed car journeys plus shopping for 2 hours and 41 minutes without incident. We were completely over the moon!!

Behaviour at home was getting worse and worse and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse...their social worker came for a visit. On the day they were both fine but the following day was WWIII in the AM household. We had 7 hours of pretty much solid violence coming in a new wave every 10-15 minutes. It was unbearable and we just didn't know what to do. We were on damage control whilst trying to make sure that no one was getting hurt. I'm fortunate that i don't bruise because if i did, i would have had black eyes and multiple big bruises on my face, arms, legs, stomach, back, neck. Pretty much everything has come at me, very little of it has been directed at Wife. It was like going in to the hunger games and hoping to be the victor. Big managed to communicate that they were scared and worried that their social worker had/was coming to take them away. We knew that would be the case but hearing it was horrible especially when they clung to me as they said it.

Everything we were trying was failing, everything that had helped us cope up until this point and made things manageable had stopped working. We were completely out of ideas and trying to avoid getting the crap beat out of us. Big is of school age (we know doesn't really say much for you reading this) and when you have a child who is functioning in that moment as a toddler but is the size of a child 2 years older than their chronological age, it's very difficult. For those of you that aren't adopters or haven't been through stuff like this, imagine having a small teenager having a full on throw yourself on the floor tantrum in a supermarket whilst being in an irrational teenagers rage and try to stop that from happening without anyone getting hurt. Big isn't a teen but the principle is the same. It's an impossible situation and if you're in it, i can pretty much guarantee that you will shout. Then you'll feel guilty about shouting. Then you'll shout again.

We'd reached out for help from their placing LA earlier in the week and had an appointment set up with therapeutic support to try and help the situation. Therapeutic support told us to call/email if anything else got worse or we needed anything in the meantime. We did and got the biggest load of bull back in an email. I was so angry. Suggestions of having their social worker speak to them on the phone to 'diffuse' the situation and the like. Completely unhelpful and worrying that it would be suggested under the circumstances.

Throughout everything our social worker has kept us sane. From Big screaming in my face that i've hurt them whilst trying to restrain them, Little disclosing some really worrying things and everything getting on top of us, she's been amazing. She's done additional therapeutic visits to try and help things, she's been on the phone at the drop of a hat and really supportive of everything we've done.

When she visited she asked us how we're feeling. We'd been talking to each other about that very thing the evening before and agreed that out of 10 (1 being the absolute worst we could feel and 10 being the best) we were on a daily 2. Maybe a 3. She wasn't judgemental or shocked but did say that it was really bad that we were feeling that low. She did and has continually given us a boost and told us that she's amazed with how well we're doing and very proud of how we're working together.

We've been getting some big disclosures recently and since Big's most dramatic one, their aggression has calmed so much. In the last few days *touch wood* we've had no violence. We've had a few little things where someone has been pushed very lightly or i had their foot against my stomach but the tension went straight away and it changed from being intended to kick me to stroking me gently. We're nowhere near where we want to be yet but we've got a few consecutive days going now, fingers crossed it stays that way for at least the rest of the day.

The only thing that we're getting especially after a big few hour long meltdown that we're struggling with is the constant questioning and need to be in contact with us. We'll get 10 questions a minute for as long as 5 hours. In that time a face or arm will appear out of nowhere. I was chopping some veg the other day when Big grabbed my arm, i was using a 6 inch long very sharp knife. scared the living daylights out of me!!

We've been introducing our family to them for a little while now. We've introduced the main people who are going to be around regularly and everything has gone well. Both B&L have some cousins who they're idolising and are now forever asking to see them. It's good for us too, we suddenly have access to our support network in a way that those first few weeks wouldn't allow. It's coming more naturally now which is brilliant for all 4 of us.

I definitely love them but it's not a mother's love as such. It's very fickle, when things are bad a really can't stand them, I hate that we've brought the tension, stress and aggression into what was our happy little house. When things are good, i'm beaming. Everything they do makes my heart swell, one cheeky little grin from either of them and i love them that little bit more. Every cuddle means the world, every time one of them tells me that they like me or picks a daisy for me whilst we're on a walk i'm a bit of an emotional wreck. They've both started stroking our backs/arms when we have a cuddle in the way that we do to them, it's the most beautiful thing ever. They're the most amazing children in the world and i feel very privileged to be one of their Mums even though i don't actually feel like i'm a parent yet. Wife doesn't love them yet. She says that she's happy and she likes them but it's just not developed into more than that yet.

One thing that we don't remember being mentioned on our training was how hard it is to parent a child who is showing you lots and lots of extreme behaviour when you either don't love them or you don't love them unconditionally. Especially when they're using the other sibling as a punchbag. It's really, really shit.

We really have had a month from hell with them, we haven't been able to relax at all. If it wasn't for the fact that we can feel the attachment developing and that they sleep, god knows where we'd be.

The only thing we know for certain is that if it wasn't for our agency, social worker, twitter and a very good friend, we wouldn't all be together as a family anymore. That sounds extreme but the only way we were truly finding all of the strength we needed to get through each day was the constant contact and support from them. They have been incredible and we will be forever in their debt.

My biggest piece of advice for anyone about to embark on this journey is to be strict. Rules can be loosened as and when appropriate but going the other way is so much harder and in our experience, they need to know the boundaries and the stricter you are with the basics to start with, the sooner they get to at least start to understand where they fit in and how things will be in their new family.

Stage One

We're officially in Stage 2! We're really pleased that everything has gone relatively smoothly up until this point and just want to make a note of it all for future reference.

We were accepted onto Stage one in April and straight away we jumped into doing our homework (the enormous mountain of the stuff!!) and had our first workshop the following week.

The homework was more awkward that anything. Talking about yourself isn't something that comes naturally to a lot of people and we definitely fit in that category. Some questions were really simple to answer but others were difficult. To be asked what you feel your best characteristic is when it comes to being a parent and yet you've never been a parent, it's difficult. We both answered as honestly as we could and used friends and family to help with some of the difficult bits.

The workshops were really helpful, we covered a hell of a lot in the few hours that we had. We did an exercise with bits of string where one of the group had to be a child that was about to be adopted but we had to think of all of the people that had been in her life up until that point and how she felt about them and what they meant to her. We both found that exercise in particular, very helpful.

In the following workshop, we had a discussion about the specifics of abuse (i've mentioned this in another post) which again was helpful but draining.

We have been reading lots of blogs during stage one and we're going to point family and friends in their direction a little later on in the process.

We've both read 'Creating Loving Attachments' too. I have found this to be seriously helpful and have already recommended it to someone who is struggling and arguing lots with her birth children. Even when we've been babysitting for our many nephews, we've tried to use some of the stuff mentioned to try and get us used to it. What with that and Nick King's (follow the guy on twitter, lots of laughs and some good advice from time to time) '7 second rule', we're awesome babysitters! Not 100% sure about how it'll transfer when we have our children but we're starting as we mean to go on.

We had our end of stage one interview with our agency, this took us a little by surprise. We weren't told anything about it before we got there then were told that it takes about 3 hours...totally shocked but tried to hide it and answer everything as well as we could. It all seemed to go well although with hindsight, we both agreed that we could have answered some of the questions much better and at the end we were told that both social workers were happy for us to proceed but the manager had to sign off.

After that we were both relieved and started talking more about what we were expecting in stage 2.

Weirdly, i then had a wobble for a couple of days where the thought of becoming a parent terrified me. One thing that i've learnt through reading about PACE is the importance of acceptance and that starting with the acceptance of your child's 'inner life'.

Knowing that and experiencing the fear that i was, i suddenly realised that i need to accept it. It might sound strange but i was scared for a reason, i was scared that i couldn't cope with the sorts of behaviours we might be faced but regardless of how much i tried to deny it, i would still feel that way and that's fine.

Since then i have accepted that it's fine to be scared. I think that if you're not all scared about the prospect of suddenly having a child or two move in with you forever, that's a little weird.

We are going to face challenges that we've never had to face before and that is scary and intimidating but we are so determined to do everything we can to make it work. We're determined to learn as much as possible between here and there and then to continue that learning for as long as possible.

We're not always going to get it right but the fact that we care enough to want to always get it right speaks volumes.

Thank you to those of you on Twitter that helped me see that.

Technology and children

If you could go back in time and stop the internet from being invented, would you?

This may seem like a preachy and slightly hypocritical post but i assure you, it's not intended to be read that way. It's purely my opinion and comment on technology in a modern society.

I love my tech. I love that i have so much power in the palm of my hand that with just a few taps on a keyboard, i can find out just about anything about anything at pretty much the same time as ordering a gift, paying my bills and booking a table at a restaurant.

The internet has opened the world up to more possibilities than ever before and that is a truly remarkable thing.

My issue is that i don't think enough people respect it. I don't think people talk about the negatives enough and i certainly don't think people are protecting their children from the dangers.

This isn't a comment on the high profile issues such as grooming and cyber bullying (although i'm not trying to play the down, this just isn't the post to be raising that discussion), this is more subtle than that.

When i was a child, i wouldn't dare ask my parents or grandparents for anything that would cost any more than about £50 and that would be pushing it but that apparently doesn't cut it anymore. A few weeks ago when i logged onto Facebook a friend of mine had put a picture up of her 3 year old sons birthday presents.

She bought him an iPad air and printer.

What the hell does a 3 year old need an iPad for??! Seriously.

It really has sparked something in me. No child needs a tablet and yet this seems to be the norm, more and more children are being given these overly expensive gifts before they have any concept of what they cost. More and more parents are feeling pressured to provide these things for their children despite struggling to pay their bills.

All this comes at a price, the more kids get, the more they expect. First it's a games console, next it's a tablet, by the time they're 8 or 9, they expect £500 phones. They don't learn what it means to be able to have these things, it becomes something insignificant.

On top of that, so many kids become obsessed with the internet and games etc to the point where they are seriously lacking in even the most basic of social skills and are constantly demanding the familiar sight and feel of a tablet or phone in their hands.

I'm not completely against a child having access to the internet and the tech that comes with it but i think it needs to be moderated properly. It shouldn't be an all day thing, they shouldn't be given the tablet etc to babysit them.

I'm hoping that when the time comes, our children will have a good understanding of the internet but won't rely on it to pacify them. I'm hoping that the same will be said for TV. I'm hoping that we will be able to encourage them to enjoy their childhoods and to be silly and to use their imaginations. To enjoy being outside and playing games and running around just because they can.

I don't want my children to become tech zombies. I want them to live.

To answer my own question, as much as i love the internet and all the positive things that come with it (the blogging community and twitter support for starters!), i would absolutely do it. Without a shadow of a doubt. Children need to be children and i honestly think that the internet is slowly but surely forcing them to grow up way too early.

Twitter

If you follow me on twitter, you'll know that i have been cracking one with my stage one homework recently and it's been going well.

We had our first visit from our stage one social worker this week so that she could help with/ask about our homework. She was pleased with our progress and was keen to talk about some of the bits that seemed a little silly etc.

One of the pieces of homework is for us to do our 'eco map'. This is basically a list of people and organisations who will be there to help with support etc when any children come to live with you. She mentioned that we shouldn't forget things like CAMHS and the agency as well as friends and family. 

I mentioned that we'd listed twitter as a good source of support and she was very intrigued. I explained that i'd set up a new user and had linked up with lots of other people who are going through the process and have adopted and she was quite impressed.

So far in this journey, twitter has been incredible. the support and advice we've received has been second to none! The blogs we've connected with are brilliant, they're honest and informative in a way that we haven't experienced with the process yet. I'm so happy that i decided to set up a new user for this, it really is the best decision (other than which agency to go with) we've made to date.

When we were trying to conceive, we dabbled into the pregnancy and baby blogs and following people on twitter but were pretty much blanked. It felt like being the fat kid at school getting picked last for football, i was an outsider and boy did i know it. 

The adoption gang has been the complete opposite and i'm so happy about it. I'm hoping to connect with more people over time, offer support where i can and have somewhere to turn when we need it.