Saturday 7th November
I got up this morning and both kids were doing their normal thing. Arguing and nit picking at each other in the way they always do. I got ready for and went to work as normal knowing that i would be home at about 12pm.
Work went well, nothing out of the ordinary, good day.
When i got home, i called Wife to find out if i had enough time to get some stashed christmas presents out of the car before she got home from shopping. She didn't pick the phone up so i gathered that i had the time i needed and hid the presents in our bedroom.
Wife called me about 15 minutes later and i knew straight away that she was having a very difficult day.
When she finally got home i knew that things had been really bad. Big was in the front of the car and Little was in the back. We've never done that. She carried L into the house too as their shoes weren't on.
Once we set both kids up with lunch Wife told me what had happened. They were in a supermarket when L snapped. No obvious trigger, no warning, just a complete rage filled meltdown. It was so bad that Wife had to sit on the floor with L, restraining them for 20 minutes. During this time Big was getting more and more upset because L was hurting Wife.
Fortunately the other shoppers weren't judgemental, they were actually quite supportive of Wife. One even gave her a shoulder squeeze.
After they left the supermarket, L went again. This time wife had to do the same at the side of the car. It didn't last as long this time.
Once they were in the car, L went again. Full on rage and trying to hurt B. Wife ended up removing L shoes and putting B in the front. She drove home with a lot of anger and aggression coming from directly behind her.
This is what i was confronted with as soon as Wife got home. I hate this bit, i don't fully know what's gone off and talking it through in front of the kids is hard especially when you have a child that is constantly on the edge of pure rage and another who is so hyper vigilant because of the other ones rage that there's no easy way to do anything.
I was calmer than Wife because i hadn't had to deal with anything really today. To top it all off, L had been in the defiant toddler stage all day in-between the rage and would/could not listen to a thing that either of us were saying. Wife was exhausted and it was only 1pm. She was shouting at the kids because of the stress and needed to get away. She ended up going to bed for an hour or so, i went up to see her and she sobbed.
Before long i had to come back downstairs because i could hear an argument between our children escalating, i've no idea what it was even about i just know that it was getting worse. Fortunately, L had decided that whilst they wouldn't respond to a thing Wife was saying, they would for me so it was easier.
Wife came downstairs and I managed to get a moment with L. I used some PACE and spoke to them about how they were feeling and if there was anything that was bothering them. I got a good 10 minutes of rage mixed with a distraught child and back again in 20 second cycles. All of which was down to birth family and having to leave etc.
I went with my instincts and did what i could to sooth and support them. I then decided to get the new Todd Parr book out (The goodbye book) and we went through it. I think i did the entire thing 4 times in the end and had both L and B really snuggled into me whilst reading it. They seemed to relate to it and L has asked to read it over and over again since.
After that we continued with our day. L was right on the edge the entire time and B was starting to really push us both. We went for a run around a country park together. L ended up being taken back to the car after spitting (something we don't accept at all, ever) and again calmed down but still had stuff bubbling under the surface whilst we sat in the car.
Wife came back to the car with B and we went home to have some snacks and prepare for the fireworks display that we were going to later on.
Both kids were all over the place, L was especially hyper active and couldn't regulate. B was getting more and more cheeky.
We managed the fireworks and managed to get both kids home and to bed relatively simply considering.
Sunday 8th November
As soon as we got up, we knew we were in for a rough day. Kids were bickering and being generally nasty from the word go. We went to do breakfast, got through that then it all kicked off.
We don't even know what started it, again there was no obvious trigger, nothing that we could think of that started it but before we knew it L was swapping between sobbing hysterically and utter rage. L spent a good 30 minutes screaming at the top of their lungs so much so that they all but lost their voice and 3 days later they're still croaky.
Once L calmed down (ish!) B started. From nothing to all out rage in absolutely no time. Wife and i were holding up ok until a good 20+ minutes in of B screaming at us, at one point they got up, came less than 2 inches from my face and screaming at the top of their lungs.
We do carpet time to calm down here, staying relatively close to us so it's a form of time in. B kept going and going so i got down on the carpet to talk to them and they punched me in the eye. Full force, straight in my eye. I'm not sure how i did it but i kept my cool enough to stand up and tell them that they'd just really hurt me. I then put up with another 5 minutes or so of being called a liar.
I'm not going to lie, i didn't keep my voice down at this point. I did shout back a few times but i calmed down again quickly. Once i was calm, the stupid thing happened. I didn't do anything out of anger or anything like that but i pushed B. I didn't do it hard and i didn't do anything to hurt them or anything like that. I pushed them 3-4 inches as they were sat cross legged on the floor and it was enough for them to lose their balance.
Holy crap did that escalate things!!! We had so much more anger and aggression then (understandably) that along with my immediate guilt and we were in a really toxic cycle.
I decided that i needed to talk to our social worker about it so sent her a text and she said she'd call.
Wife and I had a little down time whilst the kids seemed a little more settled. We all got ready and went out to sort out a reward for L for something else we had been doing with them. We went into our town centre and sorted some food and L's treat out.
After that i had to visit an elderly relative so Wife took the kids to the supermarket. Once i finished with my relative, i called Wife to see where she was. Yet again things had deteriorated and i could sense from her tone that things were really tough yet again.
When she finally got to me it turned out that B had decided to torment L almost to the point of yet more violence. They kept getting in L's face and telling L that they're no good at X, Y, Z and generally being horrible. It escalated to shouting and screaming at Wife and being completely defiant and nasty towards L.
Once back in the car they had calmed because Wife refused to get anyone in the car until they had calmed down.
We had a quick pit stop to make at another relatives and whilst i popped in, B started trying to hurt L yet again. Wife had to get them out of the car where they started threatening to hurt her and me.
Once we got home we called our social worker and talked her through the incident. She was confident that i hadn't hurt B or deliberately meant to but had to inform the placing LA which we were expecting. She also said that she would call and speak to school to explain it so that if anything was said, they knew what was going on.
After that we kind of had a decent evening, we had a carpet picnic and watched a film. L was hyperactive as normal but nothing too bad. B was wonderful, very much the child we know and love. They were showing no obvious signs that the incident had upset or worried them significantly.
Bed time was uneventful and pretty straight forward, both kids were exhausted as were we so we were pleased that it went well.
Monday 9th November
Both kids were still not great this morning. Lots of bickering and aggression between the two of them.
We explained our weekend to the kids teachers and warned them to be on edge. Every single time we talk to them, they are amazing.
We got back from the school run and our SW called me. She had talked everything through with the head teacher at school and the head teacher had said that she has absolutely no concerns with our parenting, if anything she is quite on the opposite side of the coin and can't praise us enough. She also said that she would talk to B about it during the day and report back to us. Our SW then thanked her and everyone at the school for supporting us so well in the last few months under very difficult circumstances.
Our SW had also tried to call the placing LA and low and behold, no one was in or available. No one. Not a single person was available to talk.
Now this would be a good time to explain that a few weeks ago B disclosed that they were significantly sexually abused completely out of the blue. We reported it and were told that the police had been contacted and someone from the placing LA would be in touch to interview B very soon. This still hasn't happened. Nothing was previously known about any form of sexual abuse before this, it was hinted at during various behaviours that have come out since coming home but nothing solid. Their SW has actively denied all knowledge of anything ever happening despite the warning signs that we were seeing.
Eventually we got a call from one of the senior practitioners at our agency. She explained that she would be visiting us that afternoon to discuss what happened on Sunday and to speak to B. A couple of hours later we got a call from the placing LA saying that someone is on their way to attend with the SP from our agency.
I also spoke to the head teacher at school and she was amazing, completely understanding and supportive and reiterated her support for us and everything we've been doing with the kids. She explained that she'd spoken to B about hurting us and spoke about different parts of the brain with them (in a very much child orientated and impressive way - your brain has a sensible owl and a silly monkey and sometimes the silly monkey doesn't listen to the owl or just takes over on its own) and then mentioned what happened with me, B didn't mention it until the head teacher mentioned the specifics and then they told her exactly what happened.
At this point i was furious, i openly admit to doing wrong and overstepping the mark but the fact that they were rushing out for this and not the disclosure is absolutely disgraceful. The person in question is known to have a significant level of contact with other children so could be part of a much wider scale of abuse.
When the SW from the LA arrived, our SP had been here for at least 45 minutes. We questioned the lack of response to the sexual abuse disclosure and all she could respond with was that the police were handling it. I got agitated and explained that actually they had promised that someone would be out weeks ago and our SP backed me up and took it further. She didn't like it then told us that she would be talking to them about it that night but was quite blunt about it.
B & L were eating dinner when she got here and because she was there, B inhaled all of their food.
Our SP had to leave before we even got to the point where the SW interviewed B. She asked about the incident and B said that they punched me and nothing happened after that. She pushed them for a little more and B explained it all and demonstrated exactly what i did.
After that she started on the sexual abuse. She asked one question. She asked B if they remember telling us something about someone a few weeks ago. B said no, she asked if they were sure, they said yes and that was it.
Unfortunately i had to go out to work before she could leave so Wife was left to hold down the fort. The SW said that she has no concerns that it was a violent incident or that there's any concerns for the placement. She said that she still has to talk to her manager but doesn't see that anything else would come from it.
Honestly, I'm pleased that it looks like it won't be taken any further but completely and utterly disgusted with them over the sexual abuse stuff. They're beyond incompetent. It's terrifying that they make key decisions in abuse and neglect cases.
Big got up during the night and sobbed that we weren't in bed, it was 8pm.
Tuesday 10th November
Big got up again in the early hours, got within an inch of my face and said in a really loud voice, "SEE YOU IN THE MORNING MUMMY." I screamed.
Other than that we had a decent morning. The school run was ok and i managed to sneak a word with teachers in the playground to explain about last nights meeting. Again, they were amazing. One offers to do anything at all possible to help us in anyway they can, the other says that she wanted to give me a big hug and stroke me. A tad random but it was all very positive.
Wife had a work day today so i called the SP from our agency and spoke to her about it. She's pleased that it doesn't look like it's going to go any further but she is disgusted with the handling of the sexual abuse disclosure. So much so she's in talks with the agency manager to come down on the LA hard.
There's also concerns that the kids are reacting to the introduction of life story work and that the fact that the LA has done 2 sessions with them and have nothing extra planned is ridiculous. They're going to push for our side to take it over now, we all feel strongly that it's time to move away from the LA, they're doing nothing for us that is benefitting our family and are working against at every possible opportunity.
We've been advised to get a complaint in once the order is sorted.
The stress from the last few days has taken it's toll. We're exhausted. All 4 of us. There's a black cloud hanging over us and it's in the shape of the placing LA. We're hopefully applying for the order in the next few months so hopefully it shouldn't be too far off. I just hate that my kids are being put through this crap again and again. It's not fair and it is not right.
I've rambled a bit but i think i've only covered the main things. Adoptive parenting is damn hard, nothing compares to it, nothing at all.
